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Now that I have returned, I intend to bring back from the icy grip of death my well received and much beloved advice column. Attend! I shall dispense to you my mighty wisdom.
Dear Dr. Polaris,
My boss, who is ordinarily rather cool, has suddenly gone all dark and angsty, and on top of that, has relocated our whole operation to a different city. A city where they look upon our normal procedures with a great deal of disdain and derision, no less.
On the other hand, my new room has a secret tunnel and a slide. Whee!
*ahem* Is my boss secretly under mind control, or just consorting with criminals? Should I be putting out feelers for another job?
Very Truly Yours,
"Z"
Dear "Z,"
It seems to me, Z, that this situation has presented you with a golden opportunity, if only you have the wherewithal to take advantage of it!
Now -- while your mentor is distracted -- is your chance to overthrow him or her and seize his or her exalted position and make it your own! If your boss is acting as out of character as you say, he or she will not be able to stand against you! Infinite riches and power will be at your command!
Sincerely,
Doctor Polaris
Dr. Polaris:
When lacking a total mastery of magnetism, which makes for the better (if lesser than magnetism of course) plan for destroying them all? Invisible robots or biological mash-up monsters?
Lurker Without
Dear Lurker Without,
You pose an intriguing question. You are right to say "when lacking a total mastery of magnetism," as few are possessed of my awesome powers. That being said, I would recommend the "biological mash-up monsters." Invisible robots, though good for a lark, cannot be seen by your opponents. And if your enemies cannot see their doom, how can they come to fear it?
Monsters, however, are not only highly visible targets but also offer up great opportunities for you to express your creativity. When using mad science to engineer unstoppable killing machines, your imagination is truly your only limitation.
You can even add additional menace by giving your monstrosities the faces of your enemy's loved ones! Truly he or she will be horrified, unable to bring his or her powers to bear against an abomination bearing the countenance of his or her dearest friend or lost loved one!
Besides, even invisible robots are subject to the unstoppable forces of magnetism!
Sincerely,
Doctor Polaris
Dear Dr. Polaris,
What's your favorite Paula Abdul song?
Justin Garrett Blum
Dear Justin,
I'm afraid, Justin, that I must profess a complete and total ignorance regarding the music of Ms. Abdul. My tastes in music have always tended more toward the classical. I also have a fondness for certain varieties of "rock and roll."
Sincerely,
Doctor Polaris
Dear Dr Polaris,
In a fit of rage my so called friend recently punched a hole in my wall. Force him to pay for repairs or bloody revenge?
bbsr
Dear bbsr,
If you wreak terrible vengeance upon your "friend" at this point, you are likely to never receive recompense for the damage done to your home. My advice is to forgive this friend and politely ask that he provide you with the money needed for repairs.
Once the currency is safely in your possession, that is the time to strike! Put your insidious plan into action and bring bloody vengeance down upon your foolish "friend's" head! After your earlier graciousness he will not be expecting it and thereby be unprepared to defend himself!
Sincerely,
Doctor Polaris
And that, as they say, Is that. For those of you who have thus far been denied my wisdom, you may email me -- doctorpolaris (at) gmail (dot) com -- or you may leave your query in a comment.
