It is no secret that I am a very well dressed man. You have all heard the story about how I kidnapped a brilliant tailor's family (he was Italian!) and forced him to make my cape for me. It is one of the finest capes in any century. So you see that I take great pride in my appearance.
And so I am ashamed to see that many of the DC Universe's newest residents do not. There was once a time when you could count on Superheroes and Supervillains to look sharp while they fought each other. For decades this has been the status quo. But at some point everything changed. I do not know when it began. Perhaps it was when Superboy decided that a t-shirt was suitable attire. I am glad he's dead.
But regardless of when it began, it continues. Let us look at a three of the fashion disasters that have premiered this year in the DCU.
Blue Beetle:
I do not know where to begin in discussing the hideousness of the new Blue Beetle's outfit. So many shapes! So few colors! What is wrong with that boy?
I know his costume is supposed to be "themed." "Blue Beetle" and all that. But that doesn't mean he needs to take it to extremes. I mean, you don't see me wearing a big magnet on my chest anymore, do you? No, you do not.
The costume is just too busy. Squiggly lines and crazy pinchers and claws everywhere. It gives me nightmares just thinking about it. The most important thing a person should learn in designing a superhero costume is simplicity.
But the worst things are those weird-ass flat fingertips. What's up with that?
Supernova:
Second fashion offender: Supernova (take note that the image you see here is not colored correctly; He at least figured that out). He's got the cape right (something too few people do these days) but he seems to be having trouble with just about everything else.
What's that on his forehead? Does it mean anything? Hell if I know. And take note of the insignia on his chest. The thing runs all the way down to his crotch! What exactly is Supernova trying to advertise here? And those boots just don't go high enough.
But Supernova is working out of Metropolis, so he'll probably be cut some slack. They don't seem to care what their guys wear...
Batwoman:
Ah, and here we have our worst fashion offender. As a supposed "socialite" (how many people have I met at parties who claimed to be "socialites"? Ha!) she really should know better.
First off: color scheme. It should be common knowledge that if you have red hair, you you don't wear bright red. Honestly, it makes her look cheap. Really cheap. And she's supposed to be really rich, right?
But her biggest problem is the boots. Ladies in the audience: how stupid is she for trying to fight crime in heels? Supervillainesses can handle it; they need to look as imposing as they are sexy (plus they do a lot of floating). But you can't honestly expect me to believe that she can handle jumping from rooftop to rooftop in those things. I cringe just thinking about it.
In closing, their costumes all suck. Go back to fashion school, losers. Take some tips from guys like me. And guys like Lex Luthor. That man always knows how to dress.
