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'Sup Peoples!
Das Scoot is back!
And I've got a special surprise for y'all!
Since Rob has yet to give us Topless Roboteers a rundown of the best (worst?) of 2010's FFF installments, TTOS Contributor JM Hoffmann came up with this gem--I "edited" it and threw in an idea or two, and TR Poster and friend of TTOS RubyRoses added some input (if anyone else assisted in this endeavor, I apologize for overlooking your assistance--I only know what I'm told! ^_~)
So, without further ado, follow our good friend Toht to the jump, and prepare to experience THE FIRST ANNUAL ROBBY AWARDS!
The 2010 Robby Awards!!!
When grading fanfiction, you can’t just say one is the best. That’s a highly subjective question, as are the judging criteria. Each genre has its own special way of amusing and/or horrifying us. So, with that in mind, we at the Academy of Fanfiction Arts and Sciences have decided to break the 2010 fanfic review into categories. Winners in each category will receive a solid gold statuette*
*Assuming Rob is willing to pose topless for a sculptor**
**Also assuming that whatever institution the authors are in will allow the statuette to be slipped in through the food slot in their cell.
Now, the big prize this year is the Best Story award. That one will be judged last based upon five specific criteria each worth ten points for a total of 50 possible:
Hilarity/Insanity
The less likely a fanfic is to occur, the better for both of these categories. There is a very fine line between laughably bad or poorly thought out FF, and frighteningly crazy FF, so they share a category
Obscurity/Illegality
This is the internet. We realize that, as per the rules of the internet, everything has perverse fanfic written about it, and anything you can think of is probably fetishized somewhere. However, that doesn’t mean we want to know about it, or read about it in a fanfic. Bonus points will also be awarded depending on how many countries would implement the death sentence for what goes on in the FF.
Scope/Source
How epic in scope is the fanfic? Is it just two characters banging in a shed? Or is it the entire cast of the property? What effect does their inexplicable gay bdsm relationship have on the rest of the world? And how weird or unlikely is the source material? We’ll be using what we call the Bricken Postulation here, which is a theory stating that FF of family friendly warm hearted properties is likely to be far worse than fanfic based upon, say--Rambo, and therefore gains more points.
Detail
Let’s face it, the more paragraphs an author is ready to put into describing DBZ characters fisting each other, the more likely they are to skin you and make you into a blouse. We award points for that.
WHY?
This will essentially be the bonus category. The more existential questions or crises of faith the fanfic creates in the reader, the more points it receives.
We will also have awards in the following categories:
Best Author
The best Fanfic Scribe.
Best Drama
The most epic, lengthy, and/or well written fanfic we can find.
Best Supporting Role
It just wouldn’t be Star Wars if Jabba The Hutt didn’t slug about while everyone is raping each other. This category is for a character that shined in a non-sexual or fetishistic role.
Best Comedy
The laugh out loud [rape] story of the year.
Most Devastating
This will be awarded to the fanfic that kills the most readers
Best Couple
Chemistry is everything. The best matched couple will triumph here.
Best Anal Penetration Scene (consensual)
A most coveted award
Best Anal Penetration Scene (nonconsensual)
Certainly something to put on the mantelpiece.
Best Fetish
Enemas? Abortions? Muscles? Sonic The Hedgehog fans? Egads!
Best Death Scene
Sometimes we have to say goodbye to the characters we grew up loving. It’s significantly more painful to do so when they’re covered in maggots for no logical reason.
Best Author
And the Nominees are…
No, fuck it. We’re not even going to have a running for this one. Congratulations, ComicsNix! Abraxas-- our apologies. Feel free to gripe in the comments about academy favoritism or Jews running Hollywood…
Best Drama
And the Nominees are…
After The Orgy
The Case of Erudition Towards Reliance
Momo, Do You Dream Of Hungry Eskimos?
Alvan an The Chipmunks 3
Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh
Donald And Daisy
The most seriously written, epic fanfiction offered up to us this year is a hard decision to make. Is it the crime and punishment of Alvan an the Chipmunks? The Spartacus style sexual gladiator matches of Love Beyond Circuits? Or Maybe its just Sherlock Holmes getting an enema a lot, or the twisted relationship between Sonic and Tails? Or, is it the epic fantasy of a lemur crawling in an ox’s ass? Two Ducks cheating on each other and then penetrating Donald’s urethra? The Academy reached a decision rather quickly, but one of the committee unearthed arcane bylaws that ruled out one of our top contenders. Unfortunately, Alvan An The Chipmunks 3 was written as a mix of serious drama, comedy, and afterschool special about rape. This confusing tone, and the author’s beliefs that he was the fanfic world anti-rape messiah, lead us to disqualify the story.
In the end, the decision came with a sudden epiphany: Donald and Daisy isn’t about cartoon characters at all. They’re referred to more often with real live human characteristics than with those of their cartoon animal counterparts! This wasn’t just any fanfic, it was a play written where the leads happened to share names with cartoon characters, and meant to be acted with 1940s era dramatic flare, or perhaps as an excerpt from The Passion Of The Christ. In any event, the academy awards Donald and Daisy the Robby for best drama. Love Beyond Circuits comes in as our runner up. Despite having a star studded cast and a star studded anal cavity, it didn’t really seem to have anything to say (although it did tell us what happened to Jar Jar after the prequels!)
Best Supporting Role
And The Nominees Are…
Howard Stern’s evil twin in Slutball
Screech in The One Gigantic Fix
Cheer Bear in Slave Bear of Care A Lot
Jabba the Hutt in Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh
Snoop Dogg in Alvan and the Chipmunks 3
In this category, there is no doubt that the side character who added the most to our proceedings has to be Cheer Bear in Slave Bear of Care-a-lot! Who gets points for creeping us all out without ever having to actually perform any sex act. Snoop Dogg’s appearance in Alvan and the Chipmunks 3 gets a mention here though, but not quite top caliber.
Best Comedy
And the Nominees Are…
Doomsday Womb
Dirty X Men
Love In The Smudge
One Gigantic Fix
Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh
There was no way we could judge the number of overall times a story made us laugh, and to judge them on their best moment alone might let a story with just one particularly good point take the top spot when another was more consistently funny. Now, each of these stories was nominated for one particularly legendary and hilarious scene or theme. We have the author’s continued misunderestimation of what a vagina is in Dirty X Men, the ecosystem in Wonder Woman’s vagina in Love In The Smudge, the pity-masturbation-party in The One Gigantic Fix, the scene where Potimus uses Jar Jar’s severed penis to fuck Princess Leia in Love Beyond Circuits and… Finally… EVERY SINGLE PART of Doomsday Womb which is our obvious and natural winner. ComicsNix was in rare form for that story, and it will remain the standard for batshit insanity in all future FFFs. We’re going to give the runner up status to Dirty X Men, not for the fanfic, but for Rob’s commentary, which was easily his best of the year including such exasperated gems as “OH MY GOD I WILL SEND YOU A PICTURE OF A VAGINA, JUST PLEASE STOP TALKING”
Most Devastating
And the Nominees are…
Day of Reckoning
Loyal Heart Babysits
How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (AKA: The Other Story)
Frailty
Lessons Learned on Sesame Street
The Academy would rather not have to examine these nominees any closer than absolutely necessary: It certainly takes its toll--murder/suicide and dismemberment seem less evil when put up against abortion fetish and anthroinfantobeastiality. Indeed in Day of Reckoning showing off wrongness seems to be the entire point, with Cyclops madly throwing maggots and worms on a bed and then raping someone amidst the squirming mass, which is wrong, but at least the author clearly knows that. Abortion is legal, though what Videl is doing in her story should be punishable by…well, what Scoot does to Loga in Day Of Reckoning. So we’re down to three…. No one here honestly wants to read these to pick, but this is the task we vowed to complete. Alright, we know that all three of the remaining nominees are awful and illegal… We tried to judge them on the number of heinous crimes committed in each, but we lost count somewhere around 24.
What it comes down to is this: What happened to Elmo was so wrong that he counter-raped Maria for it… so that’s pretty bad, bad enough for the runner up… but the last story, and the winner, Loyal Heart Babysits, contains no moral compass. The horrifying events that occur therein are presented in a happy go lucky fashion that makes it more morally repugnant than the other two. The tone is similar to the works of legendary FF writer Brickhouse Bunny 21 wherein the writer displays no remorse for the characters actions, and that bears are once more the victims. Why is it always the bears? WHHYYYYY? Lessons Learned on Sesame Street comes in a very close second.
Best Couple
And the Nominees are…
Kirk and Spock in For Better or Immersed
Batman and Robocop in The Day The Men Found Love
Lois Lane and a Cucumber in Farmgirl Lois
Some crazy chick and Optimus Prime in When Optimus And I Met And Fell In Love
Dobby and Professor Trelawney in The True Meaning of Liberty
Donald and Daisy Duck in Donald and Daisy
Zelda and a Snake in Zelda Swallowed By a Snake
Sonic and Tails in After The Orgy
This category isn’t just about good pairings or great sexual scenes, this is about the meaning of these relationships, and how well the writer conveys that. Could they last forever? Could it be true love? Or is it a doomed enterprise, a pair of star-crossed lovers? Sometimes, when the characters are entangled in the tentacles of passion, it’s hard to tell for them and for the reader as well. We’re going to try to find meaning in these beautiful and tender romantic tales… Join us, won’t you?
Kirk and Spock are really about that wedding vow. These two guys are turned into fish people, possibly forever, but in spite of that tribulation, or perhaps because of it, they can still see to each other’s manly needs. Batman and Robocop on the surface seem to be forced to enter anal sex with each other for a rather contrived reason, but on that homeless person’s mattress they found true love, a love that both knew was doomed from the start, which only made it more meaningful to the two. Lois Lane and her cucumber was just a passing fling, and Lois treats it as this. There is no pity that soon her cucumber must be chopped up and eaten, no sadness for her lover’s passing. Perhaps these feelings are hidden too deeply to be easily apparent in a poorly written erotic fanfic, but all the same, it doesn’t seem very romantic. Sonic and Tails is another classic pairing, but they fall by the wayside because Sonic is a homophobe.
The crazy chick who wrote about fucking Optimus Prime seems to have watched “The Girl Who Loved Powerglide”a little too often, and her story seems to be little more than something for her to flick her bean to. Again, not very romantic. Also, she loses points for being crazy: If she ever did meet Optimus Prime, she wouldn’t romance him; she’d give him Autobotroofies and keep him in a pit in her basement. Dobby and Professor Trelawney seem to be in the throes of passion, and Trelawney is somewhat drunk on cooking sherry at the time, so we’re not sure we can say that this is love so much as Dobby experiencing his freedom. Perhaps he will be free to pleasure Professor McGonnagal later on that same night? Consider it, and this looks less like true love. Donald and Daisy Duck do go through some hard times, but Jesus died on the cross so that their indiscretions could be forgiven… and then repeated in the second half, sigh… This looks more like “To Blave” than “True Love”. Lastly we have the doomed romance of Zelda and a Snake. Jealous Link kills the snake in the end, as we know he must. I don’t want to get into the Freudian aspects of wanting to eat your lover, or to exist permanently inside your lover, but I think there was something there. Zelda found something special inside that snake, something many of us search for our whole lives, something that will go on forever in Zelda’s heart.
In the interests of love, we can afford a tie. Look at it as splitting the category into best new pairing and best classic pairing. Batman and Robocop share the Robby with Kirk and Spock--congratulations to both of them, and to Zelda, the remaining half of our runner up couple.
Best Anal Penetration Scene (consensual)
And The Nominees Are…
The Day The Men Found Love
After The Orgy
Love In The Smudge
Arthur The Piggy
Goten’s Birthday
This is a hard category to judge. Unlike traditional penis vs. vagina sex, anal sex seems to, in fanfic, require some preamble. In The Day The Men Found Love Robocop fucks Batman with a smoke grenade so Batman’s secret identity won’t be revealed. Love In The Smudge involves Shrek pegging Wonder Woman so she can sleep despite “feeling like a pork chop” Arthur The Piggy… I don’t even know, but I believe that tongues are inserted into anuses in order to clean out barbecue sauce. Goten’s Birthday involves anal sex between various characters as a birthday tradition. After The Orgy has no special reason for what goes on, except that it is part of a Greek tragedy. A Greek tragedy involving anal sex by homophobic hedgehogs. The last two seem to have the least elaborate setups, and any butt hole will tell you that setting up properly is important to anal sex.
Down to three, and how to judge? Well, it’s quite simple really. All three stories contain anal sex… but how much consent is there? How much do the characters care about each other? In Arthur The Piggy, our heroes are not over the age of consent (in people years at least, what the fuck is the age of consent for an aardvark?) so that one’s out. The last two are easy. Diana doesn’t seem pleased that Shrek is “Doing what orks do best” with his “decomposing dick”. It takes some convincing, and is a one time extramarital affair. In The Day The Men Found Love, the winning story, Batman and Robocop know their relationship is fleeting due to the need to go kill stupid shit hippies, but this makes their relationship more special, not less. Like a desert flower that only blooms for one day, tentacle rapes you, and then dies. Those men found happiness in each other’s orifices, if only for a moment. Kudos to you, Batman. Kudos to you Robocop. Kudos to you, phallic smoke grenade! Arthur The Piggy gets the runner up spot, because those cartoon animals seemed to have a really great time licking barbecue sauce off each other.
Best Anal Penetration Scene (nonconsensual)
And the Nominees are…
Slutball
Slave Bear of Care A Lot
Harry Potter And The Creepy House
Harry Potter And The Surprise Package
Creepy Scooby Doo
Once again we have several deserving candidates here. But, we must ask the question: Is quantity of butt rape important when judging this category? Slutball definitely has all the others beat for shear rapeyness, but the story actually repeats the same concept over and over again enough that it becomes less horrifying due to quantity, even though the moose Borg thing was certainly a novel touch. It should be noted that, of the remaining entries, 3 use the word “creepy”, two of them in their titles! Is creepy a byword for forcible sodomy? You decide!
Next, we narrowed it down still further by removing Slave Bear of Care A Lot and Creepy House, because the sodomy in those wasn’t made quite bizarre enough. So, coming down to it, we have a story where Harry gets raped and impregnated with alien penis monsters and ultimately murdered, by Hermione of course, and a story where Shaggy gets tentacle raped by a suddenly betentacled Fred who forces him into the arrangement by threatening to fuck Scooby Doo if Shaggy doesn’t join in. These are both truly repulsive works of fanfiction, hell, all of these are… and the only way we can think to judge them is to simply put two excerpts up and figure out which is worst:
“She hadn't expected him to know such an obscure charm, but she had a counter ready… Harry's spell choked and died, leaving him only with the rough Cryptophallus ravaging his poor shit-factory. He howled pitifully.”
Or
“Fred hates Shaggy. He yells out to Daphne, "Shaggy won't put one in his mouth!" Daphne walks by with his arms full of friedworks, says, "Bet Scooby would," and hops off the bus.”
The number of errors in that one last sentence, fried fireworks, Daphne having a masculine pronoun, the mystery machine being called a bus, and the continued implied threat that a dog may be tentacle raped all make Creepy Scooby Doo the unquestionable winner in this category and leave Harry’s poor asshole a sore second.
Best Fetish
And the Nominees are…
Night of The Beast for motorcyclophilia
For Better Or Immersed for Scalies
Neon Muscle Evangelion for muscle fetish
Zelda Swallowed By A Snake for, well, Zelda getting swallowed by a snake… in a sexy way
(it's called "vorephilia", dude!--The Editor)
Rebecca and Brianna’s Unbirth Adventure for unbirthing fetish
How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (AKA: The Other Story ) for abortion fetish
The Scientific Method for …. I really don’t fucking know, but it’s sick.
A quick word on the Academy’s reasoning here. It is true-- we didn’t add the two coprophilious fetish stories. Considering FFF featured two of those it seems a bit too common to be very shocking. Farmgirl Lois is out because the fruit and vegetable fucking seems to be but a convenient vehicle for her libido rather than a fetishized habit. Enema fetish is also out, because we saw two stories featuring that one, and it gets old quick. And although diaper fetish is fairly well known as well, we chose not to add the two stories involving diapers because that was secondary to the horrible pedobestiality. So, we’re left with six very bizarre stories that are largely focused on seven fetishes that we are all, hopefully, new to.
We have Wolverine getting aroused by motorcycles and then fucking a sentient one. We have Kirk and Spock being turned on by the fact that they are mutated fish men and feeling each others gills. The Evangelion girls are muscular and this is apparently sexy. Zelda getting eaten by a snake is sexy too, even to Zelda, the snake’s victim. Unbirthing fetish wherein Brianna is regressed to infancy and then into, sigh, a fetus inside of Rebecca and finally abortion fetish, wherein a fetus is destroyed with arousing results for Videl. And then there’s Aragorn going deep into Frodo’s newly developed Mines of Moria…
You know what finally decides it for me? Sex acts. Wolverine fucks something. He uses his penis in a traditional way, on a non traditional target. Kirk and Spock perform a homosexual act, which is totally cool and ok, just they happen to be fish while they do it. Zelda, despite being eaten by a snake or more likely because of it, masturbates. Videl does likewise while thinking about her abortion. Two fanfics remain that are set apart for one reason: The human sex organs are never utilized for anything traditionally associated with sex. The author of Rebecca and Brianna’s Unbirthing Adventure, our winner, didn’t need to think about actual sex to get off. She just needed to imagine shrinking a woman and shoving her into her uterus. That’s devotion to your fetish. Neon Muscle Evangelion just seems too benign, and as such we have decided that Zelda Swallowed By A Snake and Videl Discovers Her Abortion Fetish share the runner up spot for introducing us to two things we never knew were so very, very sexy.
Best Death Scene
And the Nominees are…
Sailor’s Lament
The Bitch Must Pay
Urine
Harry Potter And The Surprise Package
Day Of Reckoning
This is a fairly easy category. Death is something we can all deal with. The other fanfic subject matter, not so much. However, for many of these authors, death isn’t enough. Dying a horrible, humiliating, painful death seems to be where it’s at for them. Fox McCloud’s urine soaked murder at the hands of his wife and that Sailor Moon girl getting eaten by a cat seem tame compared to the other fare here. The Bitch Must Pay is written merely as a celebration of feminine vindictiveness, not something to “masturbate” to as one FF author might put it. Down to the top, or perhaps bottom two, we have Harry Potter having his butt raped and then exploded by cryptophallids, and of course, well, the sordid events of Day Of Reckoning… We can tell by the fact that none of us wish to even describe the events of Day Of Reckoning that it deserves to win. All the characters in the story die in a scene reminiscent of the tale of Oedipus. Surprise Package pulls off another close second.
Best Story
And the Nominees are…
Day of Reckoning
Harry Potter and the Surprise Package
Doomsday Womb
Love Beyond Circuits Love Beyond Flesh
Love In The Smudge
Lessons Learned On Sesame Street
Dirty X Men
All of these fanfics got tens in Hilarity/Insanity. They each got a perfect ten in another category too, usually WHY? However, what really clinched it were the second and third categories. Day of Reckoning would have been very much in the running, except that it only had 3 characters and no impact on the setting. Love in the Smudge and Dirty X Men fell to this pitfall as well, making the choice for our top fanfic much simpler. The winner of the 2010 Robby award for best picture is…
Lessons Learned on Sesame Street with a score of 48 out of a possible 50. The only category it faltered slightly in was Scope- the story only involved like, four characters… Still, that was 4 too many in our book. The limited cast and world building was somewhat alleviated by the consequences the author put forth involving monster babies resulting from Elmo rape… oh god, why are we doing this?
This fanfic was deeply scarring because of the subject matter, detail and bizarre things the characters did. No other fanfic in recent memory has attacked a beloved and innocent part of our childhoods so insidiously. It beat out both runners up by a full 4 points. The rest of the pack was at least 10 points behind this magnum opus of perversion. Speaking of, the runners up were
Harry Potter and the Surprise Package
And
Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh
Each with 44 points
Thanks to JM, Ruby, Rob, all the winners and nominees, and the degenerate psychopaths who craft these magnificent entertainments/arguments for human extinction.
See you next year/in Hell!
Scooter Atreides (wearing Billy Crystal's harvested skin)
Das Scoot is back!
And I've got a special surprise for y'all!
Since Rob has yet to give us Topless Roboteers a rundown of the best (worst?) of 2010's FFF installments, TTOS Contributor JM Hoffmann came up with this gem--I "edited" it and threw in an idea or two, and TR Poster and friend of TTOS RubyRoses added some input (if anyone else assisted in this endeavor, I apologize for overlooking your assistance--I only know what I'm told! ^_~)
So, without further ado, follow our good friend Toht to the jump, and prepare to experience THE FIRST ANNUAL ROBBY AWARDS!
The 2010 Robby Awards!!!
When grading fanfiction, you can’t just say one is the best. That’s a highly subjective question, as are the judging criteria. Each genre has its own special way of amusing and/or horrifying us. So, with that in mind, we at the Academy of Fanfiction Arts and Sciences have decided to break the 2010 fanfic review into categories. Winners in each category will receive a solid gold statuette*
*Assuming Rob is willing to pose topless for a sculptor**
**Also assuming that whatever institution the authors are in will allow the statuette to be slipped in through the food slot in their cell.
Now, the big prize this year is the Best Story award. That one will be judged last based upon five specific criteria each worth ten points for a total of 50 possible:
Hilarity/Insanity
The less likely a fanfic is to occur, the better for both of these categories. There is a very fine line between laughably bad or poorly thought out FF, and frighteningly crazy FF, so they share a category
Obscurity/Illegality
This is the internet. We realize that, as per the rules of the internet, everything has perverse fanfic written about it, and anything you can think of is probably fetishized somewhere. However, that doesn’t mean we want to know about it, or read about it in a fanfic. Bonus points will also be awarded depending on how many countries would implement the death sentence for what goes on in the FF.
Scope/Source
How epic in scope is the fanfic? Is it just two characters banging in a shed? Or is it the entire cast of the property? What effect does their inexplicable gay bdsm relationship have on the rest of the world? And how weird or unlikely is the source material? We’ll be using what we call the Bricken Postulation here, which is a theory stating that FF of family friendly warm hearted properties is likely to be far worse than fanfic based upon, say--Rambo, and therefore gains more points.
Detail
Let’s face it, the more paragraphs an author is ready to put into describing DBZ characters fisting each other, the more likely they are to skin you and make you into a blouse. We award points for that.
WHY?
This will essentially be the bonus category. The more existential questions or crises of faith the fanfic creates in the reader, the more points it receives.
We will also have awards in the following categories:
Best Author
The best Fanfic Scribe.
Best Drama
The most epic, lengthy, and/or well written fanfic we can find.
Best Supporting Role
It just wouldn’t be Star Wars if Jabba The Hutt didn’t slug about while everyone is raping each other. This category is for a character that shined in a non-sexual or fetishistic role.
Best Comedy
The laugh out loud [rape] story of the year.
Most Devastating
This will be awarded to the fanfic that kills the most readers
Best Couple
Chemistry is everything. The best matched couple will triumph here.
Best Anal Penetration Scene (consensual)
A most coveted award
Best Anal Penetration Scene (nonconsensual)
Certainly something to put on the mantelpiece.
Best Fetish
Enemas? Abortions? Muscles? Sonic The Hedgehog fans? Egads!
Best Death Scene
Sometimes we have to say goodbye to the characters we grew up loving. It’s significantly more painful to do so when they’re covered in maggots for no logical reason.
Best Author
And the Nominees are…
No, fuck it. We’re not even going to have a running for this one. Congratulations, ComicsNix! Abraxas-- our apologies. Feel free to gripe in the comments about academy favoritism or Jews running Hollywood…
Best Drama
And the Nominees are…
After The Orgy
The Case of Erudition Towards Reliance
Momo, Do You Dream Of Hungry Eskimos?
Alvan an The Chipmunks 3
Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh
Donald And Daisy
The most seriously written, epic fanfiction offered up to us this year is a hard decision to make. Is it the crime and punishment of Alvan an the Chipmunks? The Spartacus style sexual gladiator matches of Love Beyond Circuits? Or Maybe its just Sherlock Holmes getting an enema a lot, or the twisted relationship between Sonic and Tails? Or, is it the epic fantasy of a lemur crawling in an ox’s ass? Two Ducks cheating on each other and then penetrating Donald’s urethra? The Academy reached a decision rather quickly, but one of the committee unearthed arcane bylaws that ruled out one of our top contenders. Unfortunately, Alvan An The Chipmunks 3 was written as a mix of serious drama, comedy, and afterschool special about rape. This confusing tone, and the author’s beliefs that he was the fanfic world anti-rape messiah, lead us to disqualify the story.
In the end, the decision came with a sudden epiphany: Donald and Daisy isn’t about cartoon characters at all. They’re referred to more often with real live human characteristics than with those of their cartoon animal counterparts! This wasn’t just any fanfic, it was a play written where the leads happened to share names with cartoon characters, and meant to be acted with 1940s era dramatic flare, or perhaps as an excerpt from The Passion Of The Christ. In any event, the academy awards Donald and Daisy the Robby for best drama. Love Beyond Circuits comes in as our runner up. Despite having a star studded cast and a star studded anal cavity, it didn’t really seem to have anything to say (although it did tell us what happened to Jar Jar after the prequels!)
Best Supporting Role
And The Nominees Are…
Howard Stern’s evil twin in Slutball
Screech in The One Gigantic Fix
Cheer Bear in Slave Bear of Care A Lot
Jabba the Hutt in Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh
Snoop Dogg in Alvan and the Chipmunks 3
In this category, there is no doubt that the side character who added the most to our proceedings has to be Cheer Bear in Slave Bear of Care-a-lot! Who gets points for creeping us all out without ever having to actually perform any sex act. Snoop Dogg’s appearance in Alvan and the Chipmunks 3 gets a mention here though, but not quite top caliber.
Best Comedy
And the Nominees Are…
Doomsday Womb
Dirty X Men
Love In The Smudge
One Gigantic Fix
Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh
There was no way we could judge the number of overall times a story made us laugh, and to judge them on their best moment alone might let a story with just one particularly good point take the top spot when another was more consistently funny. Now, each of these stories was nominated for one particularly legendary and hilarious scene or theme. We have the author’s continued misunderestimation of what a vagina is in Dirty X Men, the ecosystem in Wonder Woman’s vagina in Love In The Smudge, the pity-masturbation-party in The One Gigantic Fix, the scene where Potimus uses Jar Jar’s severed penis to fuck Princess Leia in Love Beyond Circuits and… Finally… EVERY SINGLE PART of Doomsday Womb which is our obvious and natural winner. ComicsNix was in rare form for that story, and it will remain the standard for batshit insanity in all future FFFs. We’re going to give the runner up status to Dirty X Men, not for the fanfic, but for Rob’s commentary, which was easily his best of the year including such exasperated gems as “OH MY GOD I WILL SEND YOU A PICTURE OF A VAGINA, JUST PLEASE STOP TALKING”
Most Devastating
And the Nominees are…
Day of Reckoning
Loyal Heart Babysits
How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (AKA: The Other Story)
Frailty
Lessons Learned on Sesame Street
The Academy would rather not have to examine these nominees any closer than absolutely necessary: It certainly takes its toll--murder/suicide and dismemberment seem less evil when put up against abortion fetish and anthroinfantobeastiality. Indeed in Day of Reckoning showing off wrongness seems to be the entire point, with Cyclops madly throwing maggots and worms on a bed and then raping someone amidst the squirming mass, which is wrong, but at least the author clearly knows that. Abortion is legal, though what Videl is doing in her story should be punishable by…well, what Scoot does to Loga in Day Of Reckoning. So we’re down to three…. No one here honestly wants to read these to pick, but this is the task we vowed to complete. Alright, we know that all three of the remaining nominees are awful and illegal… We tried to judge them on the number of heinous crimes committed in each, but we lost count somewhere around 24.
What it comes down to is this: What happened to Elmo was so wrong that he counter-raped Maria for it… so that’s pretty bad, bad enough for the runner up… but the last story, and the winner, Loyal Heart Babysits, contains no moral compass. The horrifying events that occur therein are presented in a happy go lucky fashion that makes it more morally repugnant than the other two. The tone is similar to the works of legendary FF writer Brickhouse Bunny 21 wherein the writer displays no remorse for the characters actions, and that bears are once more the victims. Why is it always the bears? WHHYYYYY? Lessons Learned on Sesame Street comes in a very close second.
Best Couple
And the Nominees are…
Kirk and Spock in For Better or Immersed
Batman and Robocop in The Day The Men Found Love
Lois Lane and a Cucumber in Farmgirl Lois
Some crazy chick and Optimus Prime in When Optimus And I Met And Fell In Love
Dobby and Professor Trelawney in The True Meaning of Liberty
Donald and Daisy Duck in Donald and Daisy
Zelda and a Snake in Zelda Swallowed By a Snake
Sonic and Tails in After The Orgy
This category isn’t just about good pairings or great sexual scenes, this is about the meaning of these relationships, and how well the writer conveys that. Could they last forever? Could it be true love? Or is it a doomed enterprise, a pair of star-crossed lovers? Sometimes, when the characters are entangled in the tentacles of passion, it’s hard to tell for them and for the reader as well. We’re going to try to find meaning in these beautiful and tender romantic tales… Join us, won’t you?
Kirk and Spock are really about that wedding vow. These two guys are turned into fish people, possibly forever, but in spite of that tribulation, or perhaps because of it, they can still see to each other’s manly needs. Batman and Robocop on the surface seem to be forced to enter anal sex with each other for a rather contrived reason, but on that homeless person’s mattress they found true love, a love that both knew was doomed from the start, which only made it more meaningful to the two. Lois Lane and her cucumber was just a passing fling, and Lois treats it as this. There is no pity that soon her cucumber must be chopped up and eaten, no sadness for her lover’s passing. Perhaps these feelings are hidden too deeply to be easily apparent in a poorly written erotic fanfic, but all the same, it doesn’t seem very romantic. Sonic and Tails is another classic pairing, but they fall by the wayside because Sonic is a homophobe.
The crazy chick who wrote about fucking Optimus Prime seems to have watched “The Girl Who Loved Powerglide”a little too often, and her story seems to be little more than something for her to flick her bean to. Again, not very romantic. Also, she loses points for being crazy: If she ever did meet Optimus Prime, she wouldn’t romance him; she’d give him Autobotroofies and keep him in a pit in her basement. Dobby and Professor Trelawney seem to be in the throes of passion, and Trelawney is somewhat drunk on cooking sherry at the time, so we’re not sure we can say that this is love so much as Dobby experiencing his freedom. Perhaps he will be free to pleasure Professor McGonnagal later on that same night? Consider it, and this looks less like true love. Donald and Daisy Duck do go through some hard times, but Jesus died on the cross so that their indiscretions could be forgiven… and then repeated in the second half, sigh… This looks more like “To Blave” than “True Love”. Lastly we have the doomed romance of Zelda and a Snake. Jealous Link kills the snake in the end, as we know he must. I don’t want to get into the Freudian aspects of wanting to eat your lover, or to exist permanently inside your lover, but I think there was something there. Zelda found something special inside that snake, something many of us search for our whole lives, something that will go on forever in Zelda’s heart.
In the interests of love, we can afford a tie. Look at it as splitting the category into best new pairing and best classic pairing. Batman and Robocop share the Robby with Kirk and Spock--congratulations to both of them, and to Zelda, the remaining half of our runner up couple.
Best Anal Penetration Scene (consensual)
And The Nominees Are…
The Day The Men Found Love
After The Orgy
Love In The Smudge
Arthur The Piggy
Goten’s Birthday
This is a hard category to judge. Unlike traditional penis vs. vagina sex, anal sex seems to, in fanfic, require some preamble. In The Day The Men Found Love Robocop fucks Batman with a smoke grenade so Batman’s secret identity won’t be revealed. Love In The Smudge involves Shrek pegging Wonder Woman so she can sleep despite “feeling like a pork chop” Arthur The Piggy… I don’t even know, but I believe that tongues are inserted into anuses in order to clean out barbecue sauce. Goten’s Birthday involves anal sex between various characters as a birthday tradition. After The Orgy has no special reason for what goes on, except that it is part of a Greek tragedy. A Greek tragedy involving anal sex by homophobic hedgehogs. The last two seem to have the least elaborate setups, and any butt hole will tell you that setting up properly is important to anal sex.
Down to three, and how to judge? Well, it’s quite simple really. All three stories contain anal sex… but how much consent is there? How much do the characters care about each other? In Arthur The Piggy, our heroes are not over the age of consent (in people years at least, what the fuck is the age of consent for an aardvark?) so that one’s out. The last two are easy. Diana doesn’t seem pleased that Shrek is “Doing what orks do best” with his “decomposing dick”. It takes some convincing, and is a one time extramarital affair. In The Day The Men Found Love, the winning story, Batman and Robocop know their relationship is fleeting due to the need to go kill stupid shit hippies, but this makes their relationship more special, not less. Like a desert flower that only blooms for one day, tentacle rapes you, and then dies. Those men found happiness in each other’s orifices, if only for a moment. Kudos to you, Batman. Kudos to you Robocop. Kudos to you, phallic smoke grenade! Arthur The Piggy gets the runner up spot, because those cartoon animals seemed to have a really great time licking barbecue sauce off each other.
Best Anal Penetration Scene (nonconsensual)
And the Nominees are…
Slutball
Slave Bear of Care A Lot
Harry Potter And The Creepy House
Harry Potter And The Surprise Package
Creepy Scooby Doo
Once again we have several deserving candidates here. But, we must ask the question: Is quantity of butt rape important when judging this category? Slutball definitely has all the others beat for shear rapeyness, but the story actually repeats the same concept over and over again enough that it becomes less horrifying due to quantity, even though the moose Borg thing was certainly a novel touch. It should be noted that, of the remaining entries, 3 use the word “creepy”, two of them in their titles! Is creepy a byword for forcible sodomy? You decide!
Next, we narrowed it down still further by removing Slave Bear of Care A Lot and Creepy House, because the sodomy in those wasn’t made quite bizarre enough. So, coming down to it, we have a story where Harry gets raped and impregnated with alien penis monsters and ultimately murdered, by Hermione of course, and a story where Shaggy gets tentacle raped by a suddenly betentacled Fred who forces him into the arrangement by threatening to fuck Scooby Doo if Shaggy doesn’t join in. These are both truly repulsive works of fanfiction, hell, all of these are… and the only way we can think to judge them is to simply put two excerpts up and figure out which is worst:
“She hadn't expected him to know such an obscure charm, but she had a counter ready… Harry's spell choked and died, leaving him only with the rough Cryptophallus ravaging his poor shit-factory. He howled pitifully.”
Or
“Fred hates Shaggy. He yells out to Daphne, "Shaggy won't put one in his mouth!" Daphne walks by with his arms full of friedworks, says, "Bet Scooby would," and hops off the bus.”
The number of errors in that one last sentence, fried fireworks, Daphne having a masculine pronoun, the mystery machine being called a bus, and the continued implied threat that a dog may be tentacle raped all make Creepy Scooby Doo the unquestionable winner in this category and leave Harry’s poor asshole a sore second.
Best Fetish
And the Nominees are…
Night of The Beast for motorcyclophilia
For Better Or Immersed for Scalies
Neon Muscle Evangelion for muscle fetish
Zelda Swallowed By A Snake for, well, Zelda getting swallowed by a snake… in a sexy way
(it's called "vorephilia", dude!--The Editor)
Rebecca and Brianna’s Unbirth Adventure for unbirthing fetish
How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (AKA: The Other Story ) for abortion fetish
The Scientific Method for …. I really don’t fucking know, but it’s sick.
A quick word on the Academy’s reasoning here. It is true-- we didn’t add the two coprophilious fetish stories. Considering FFF featured two of those it seems a bit too common to be very shocking. Farmgirl Lois is out because the fruit and vegetable fucking seems to be but a convenient vehicle for her libido rather than a fetishized habit. Enema fetish is also out, because we saw two stories featuring that one, and it gets old quick. And although diaper fetish is fairly well known as well, we chose not to add the two stories involving diapers because that was secondary to the horrible pedobestiality. So, we’re left with six very bizarre stories that are largely focused on seven fetishes that we are all, hopefully, new to.
We have Wolverine getting aroused by motorcycles and then fucking a sentient one. We have Kirk and Spock being turned on by the fact that they are mutated fish men and feeling each others gills. The Evangelion girls are muscular and this is apparently sexy. Zelda getting eaten by a snake is sexy too, even to Zelda, the snake’s victim. Unbirthing fetish wherein Brianna is regressed to infancy and then into, sigh, a fetus inside of Rebecca and finally abortion fetish, wherein a fetus is destroyed with arousing results for Videl. And then there’s Aragorn going deep into Frodo’s newly developed Mines of Moria…
You know what finally decides it for me? Sex acts. Wolverine fucks something. He uses his penis in a traditional way, on a non traditional target. Kirk and Spock perform a homosexual act, which is totally cool and ok, just they happen to be fish while they do it. Zelda, despite being eaten by a snake or more likely because of it, masturbates. Videl does likewise while thinking about her abortion. Two fanfics remain that are set apart for one reason: The human sex organs are never utilized for anything traditionally associated with sex. The author of Rebecca and Brianna’s Unbirthing Adventure, our winner, didn’t need to think about actual sex to get off. She just needed to imagine shrinking a woman and shoving her into her uterus. That’s devotion to your fetish. Neon Muscle Evangelion just seems too benign, and as such we have decided that Zelda Swallowed By A Snake and Videl Discovers Her Abortion Fetish share the runner up spot for introducing us to two things we never knew were so very, very sexy.
Best Death Scene
And the Nominees are…
Sailor’s Lament
The Bitch Must Pay
Urine
Harry Potter And The Surprise Package
Day Of Reckoning
This is a fairly easy category. Death is something we can all deal with. The other fanfic subject matter, not so much. However, for many of these authors, death isn’t enough. Dying a horrible, humiliating, painful death seems to be where it’s at for them. Fox McCloud’s urine soaked murder at the hands of his wife and that Sailor Moon girl getting eaten by a cat seem tame compared to the other fare here. The Bitch Must Pay is written merely as a celebration of feminine vindictiveness, not something to “masturbate” to as one FF author might put it. Down to the top, or perhaps bottom two, we have Harry Potter having his butt raped and then exploded by cryptophallids, and of course, well, the sordid events of Day Of Reckoning… We can tell by the fact that none of us wish to even describe the events of Day Of Reckoning that it deserves to win. All the characters in the story die in a scene reminiscent of the tale of Oedipus. Surprise Package pulls off another close second.
Best Story
And the Nominees are…
Day of Reckoning
Harry Potter and the Surprise Package
Doomsday Womb
Love Beyond Circuits Love Beyond Flesh
Love In The Smudge
Lessons Learned On Sesame Street
Dirty X Men
All of these fanfics got tens in Hilarity/Insanity. They each got a perfect ten in another category too, usually WHY? However, what really clinched it were the second and third categories. Day of Reckoning would have been very much in the running, except that it only had 3 characters and no impact on the setting. Love in the Smudge and Dirty X Men fell to this pitfall as well, making the choice for our top fanfic much simpler. The winner of the 2010 Robby award for best picture is…
Lessons Learned on Sesame Street with a score of 48 out of a possible 50. The only category it faltered slightly in was Scope- the story only involved like, four characters… Still, that was 4 too many in our book. The limited cast and world building was somewhat alleviated by the consequences the author put forth involving monster babies resulting from Elmo rape… oh god, why are we doing this?
This fanfic was deeply scarring because of the subject matter, detail and bizarre things the characters did. No other fanfic in recent memory has attacked a beloved and innocent part of our childhoods so insidiously. It beat out both runners up by a full 4 points. The rest of the pack was at least 10 points behind this magnum opus of perversion. Speaking of, the runners up were
Harry Potter and the Surprise Package
And
Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh
Each with 44 points
Thanks to JM, Ruby, Rob, all the winners and nominees, and the degenerate psychopaths who craft these magnificent entertainments/arguments for human extinction.
See you next year/in Hell!
Scooter Atreides (wearing Billy Crystal's harvested skin)
