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He's BA-ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Evening my Children. Den Mother Colleen here with a mini-review of Sanctuary...the land of the Pretty. Towards the end of season 2, something horrible happened on Sanctuary. Not an uncommon occurance when dealing with monsters on a daily basis. The horrible thing was the devamping of Nicola Tesla. And remaking him into a Magneto rip-off. Both things royally pissed me off. I liked the idea of Nicola Tesla as vampire/master of electricity. AND I mean master of electricity the way Jenny Sparks of The Authority (awesome graphic novel whilst Jenny lived...now she's a toddler...long story that would require another article) was master of electricity...as in he could CREATE IT with his body. Then he got devamped with his own device (really, really stupidly, btw) and somehow developed the ability to manipulate magnetic fields. THUS, Magneto rip-off. So tonight's post is dedicated to Nicola Tesla: Vampire, devamped, Magneto'd, and now revamped!!!!

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!

Anyway, quick recap. Helen Magnus was part of a group that called themselves the five. The five included James Watson i.e. Sherlock Holmes, John Druitt aka Jack the Ripper, Nigel Griffin aka The Invisible Man, and Nicola Telsa aka unnecessary as he's NICOLA FUCKING TESLA. Now this group somehow procured a batch of unaltered vampire DNA. In Sanctuary, vampires weren't undead aberrations, they were a species of Earth called Sanguine Vampirus that could breed but were still, in fact, immortal. According to Sanctuary history, they were the great emperors of Rome, Greece, the Pharoahs of Egypt, etc. Basically they ruled the world and humans were their slaves. Well, humanity, under the power of the Church, rebelled and largely exterminated the species. They also, which still hasn't been fucking explained, managed to sterilize the remaining vampires. So the unaltered vampire blood is blood of a random vampire who wasn't sterilized. Anywho, the Five injected themselves with the blood giving each some cool new ability or trait. Watson's natural intelligence was heightened to superhuman proportions. Druitt developed teleportation abilities, unfortunately during transit of a teleport some bat-shit crazy abnormal piggy-backed into him and made him Jack the Ripper. Helen Magnus became essentially immortal. Nigel Griffin became a human cloaking device. Nicola Tesla, due to a vampire ancestor, had dormant vampiric genes awakened and became a vampire...who can manipulate electricity.

So for 120 or so years, Nicola larked about, trying to use his blood to make other vampires. He finally succeeded in the 21st century. But they weren't playing by his rules so, using a fail-safe device, he devamped them. Unfortunately, while he was devamping the last asshole vamp, the guy grabbed him and pushed him onto the device, which apparently worked at both ends. Thus Nicola was devamped...as I said, stupid huh? And to make it even more irritating, he became Magneto.

Well in the most recent episode of Sanctuary, The Awakening, our Nicola gets revamped. YAY!

So he and Helen are investigating a cave that was supposedly Praxian (the underground beings who went, well, underground to escape the rule of the Vampires) but was taken over by the vampires. The vampires put a booby-trap in it and Tesla gets shot with a laser. While investigating the site at Tesla's "dying' request, Helen uncovers a stasis pod with a vampire in it. Realizing that this woman probably predates the sterilization of the vampires, she goes all HULK on the crystal and withdraws some blood...and revamps Tesla. YAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vampire Tesla...AGAIN! As it should be!

However, in the process of HULK STRENGTH, she destabilizes the pod and it starts disintegrating...and the vampire is set free. Originally I thought her name was ATHENA...which makes sense to me as she was quite Goa'uld-like...but apparently she's AFINA. Whatever. Anyway, she decides that the world should be taken over by vamps again, tosses Nicola down a big ol hole, and takes Helen hostage to be her own undying meals on wheels or meals in heels to be more accurate. They go into another chamber deeper in the cave where there is a big ol room full of vampires in stasis. She starts the wake-up call. Helen attacks her. Bad move Helen...this is a VAMPIRE...

Meet Athena or Afina.

Meanwhile, Tesla is trying to get the fuck out of the hole. AND apparently he still has his magneto powers and is able to grab his pack, which has a very convenient grappling hook and apparently a shitload of rope. And thus saves Helen from being all killed by Afina. He throws the grappling hook at Afina and the momentum knocks her across the room. Anyway, while he and Afina have a big ol' vamp fight, Helen stops the other vamps from being awakened...but Afina wins the battle. Helen stops her by saying she'll give Afina the crystal that had the location of the Praxian city if she lets them go and tells them how to get out of the cave...unbeknownst to said vamp, the crystal has a fail safe in it that creates A BOMB if a vampire gets a hold of the information. Helen and Tesla haul ass out of the cave while vampires go boom and MAN WHAT A BOOM. There's a big ol crater from the boom.

Oh, meanwhile, the rest of the gang deal with Kate's ol mercenary gang. But I really didn't care about that subplot except for the part where Kate tells her ol' gang that they have one chance to get out of dodge posthastey as she is now part of the Sanctuary and thus is a bad-ass for good!

That's about it. Vampire Nicola has been resurrected (he actually uses that term) and Kate is scary when she's pissed. So all in all a great episode. Which is nice since I couldn't care less about the past couple of episodes.

Good Night and Tesla Bless You!

Merlin: Still giving the finger to Continuity

1) Merlin still needs to grow out his hair. Seriously, Colin Morgan's hair stylist should be shot for cutting his hair that short. His ears just take over his entire head.

ATTACK EARS! Seriously, grow out the hair.

2) Morgana continues to be a bitch and a traitor.

3) Sir Gwaine, the biggest lush of the Knights of the Round Table, enters the scene and much drinking and brawling ensues. He is portrayed by Eoin Macken and appeared in four episodes of season 3, including an episode labeled "Gwaine." He has a lot of issues with the noble class, though he is part of said class himself. It appears that the writers have decided to be pretty true to myth with Gwaine...which is a nice change. Anyway, Gwaine and Merlin get on quite well. Oh and I totally want to fuck him.

Meet Gwaine. He likes to drink. A lot.

4) Apparently, Guenevere has a brother named Elyan, portrayed by Adetomiwa Edun -haven't a clue how to pronounce THAT name. Which brings us to change in myth number 11: Elyan was a knight of the round table according to the myth, but was in no way related to Gwen...and was called Sir Elyan the White, son of Lord Bors. I wonder if the writers of Merlin were being deliberately ironic here. Anyway, he's a decent guy with a penchant for getting into trouble. Morgause and her puppet King, Cenred, kidnap him to get poor Gwen to lure Arthur into their clutches. Trap ensues. Trap fails.

I give you Sir Elyan the White...no really.

5) Arthur almost marries a fairy. Wackiness ensues.

6) Morgana continues to be a bitch...oh I already said that. Well in this case, her bitchiness is due to her dreaming about Guenevere becoming Queen. So she sets up Arthur and Gwen up to be caught by Uther. Then she frames Gwen for witchcraft -as in she enchanted Arthur to fall in love with her. Merlin makes himself an aging potion so that he can be caught leaving the enchantments...and almost gets burned at the stake. Gaius saves him in the nick of time. Arthur and Gwen decide to keep their love on the DL...which lasts about two more episodes.

A much more familiar looking Merlin...

7)Harry Potter's cousin Dudley shows up for a tournament at Camelot. And MAN has he lost a lot of weight. Anyway, here he goes by Gilly. He is magical and uses it to try to win the tournament...and tries to kill Uther whom he fights in the finals. Its battle of the big ears when Merlin uses HIS magic to stop him. They talk later and Dudley decides that Merlin was right and he shouldn't have used his magic for personal gain. So yay all around.

vs

Big Ears and Yellow Eyes FIGHT!

8) Season finale part 1: The Holy Grail reappears. Morgause gets Cenred to capture said grail. They use it to make his army immortal in order to invade Camelot. Morgana is crowned queen. Fuck.

Queen Morgana...for now.

9) Season finale part 2: Arthur, Merlin, Gaius, Gwen, Gwaine, Elyan, Sir Leon (a knight of Camelot), hide out in a cave. Arthur broods over learning that Morgana is a) his sister and b) a TRAITOR. Merlin verbally bitch slaps him out of it. We learn that they are actually undead by the appearance of Merlin's dead girlfriend, Freya. Merlin learns from Gaius that if you empty the grail of the blood of the evil dead, they would actually die...permanently.

10) Part 2 continued: Merlin calls Mr Dragon for a ride to the lake of Avalon to retrieve Excalibur...apparently it can actually destroy the soldiers. He returns to the cave. The intrepid band of buggered are almost captured by Cenred's immortal army but are saved by the arrival Lancelot and Percival, played by Tom Hopper. He is really tall. And REALLY strong. He makes a whole bunch of big rocks fall on the undead soldiers.

Percival the freaking Tall!

So they go to some old ruins of a castle. Where we are finally introduced to the actual fucking round table. They decide to invade Camelot to rescue Uther. Arthur then knights Percival, Lancelot, Elyan, and Gwaine. Yay. Whilst the rest of the band go after Arthur's daddy, Merlin and Lancelot go after the Cup. All battle the evil dead.

The Round Table!

Merlin and Lancelot finally get through their bunch and Merlin is about to get the cup when Morgause shows up. She magically tosses Merlin across the room and is about to kill him when GAIUS magically tosses HER across the room. She is about to counterattack when Merlin finally decides to use his magic and magically tosses her into a column...and possibly kills her. Merlin uses Excalibur to knock over the grail and all the blood leaves the cup. And all of the evil dead go phoom. I would say boom because they all explode but its more of a puff than a BOOM. Morgana appears and goes apeshit when she sees Morgause possibly dead. She magically huffs and puffs and brings the room down all around her. She and Morgause disappear. So Morgause may or may not be dead.

Schrodinger's Morgause...

Arthur and Merlin sit on the steps in front of the Citadel of Camelot and discuss Uther. Apparently, Morgana's betrayal has massively fucked him up. Merlin tells Arthur he may have to take the throne. Then Gwen and the knights of the round table show up. Gwen and Arthur kiss...aww... Poor Lancelot.

Knights of the Round Table...at last.

Season ends with change in myth number 12: Merlin places Excalibur within the stone. Excalibur is NOT the sword in the stone. In the myth Uther's sword is the one in the stone. After it breaks during a battle, Merlin gets Excalibur from the Lady in the Lake and gives it to Arthur. But it was a cool scene anyway with Dragon voice over saying, "when its (the sword's) task is complete you must promise to put it where none can wield it." Take me up, cast me aside indeed.

Merlin's solution to the "where none can wield it" command.

And that's it for Season 3. I love that in one episode we get the Holy Grail, Excalibur, the Sword in the Stone, and the Round table! Huzzah for Iconic Overload.

Oh and while I was looking up images I found a picture of my FAVORITE Merlin. This is from the 1981 movie Excalibur. Merlin is portrayed by Nicol Williamson...who utterly ROCKED! When I think of Merlin, THIS is who I picture...plus I totally dig the skullcap. Also, it has Helen Mirren as Morgan le Fay...which was just awesome.

BBC's Merlin: Fuck Continuity

Hello My Children. Den Mother Colleen has a new(ish) series to discuss with you all. Since Blog-Master Scooter posted pictures of Katie McGrath of Merlin, I figured it would be nice for you readers to learn about the show she's in.

Merlin is a BBC series, which gets points for that alone, that SyFy has opted to run with. Nice that Syfy does try to show Sci-Fi/Fantasy every now and then. Anywho, as you probably guessed, the show is about Merlin! and oh the rest of Camelot, I guess. One thing before following the jump, this show is not overly concerned with following the Myth as we all know it.

Let us begin with the Titular Character: Merlin, portrayed by Colin Morgan. Change in myth number one: Rather than being the wise older Brit Wizard that we all know and love, he is a young peasant, albeit a powerful young warlock. He would be HOT! if it weren't for his epic ears. Check out Merlin vs. Actor Colin Morgan with a hairdo suited to his EARS.

Meet Merlin's Ears! Colin Morgan with better 'do -OH and its from Doctor Who!!

Anyway, Merlin tramps on over to Camelot at his mother's behest to live with his great uncle Gaius, Physician to the Court, because she was worried about his being very "special." After saving Arthur's life, Uther "rewards" him by making him Arthur's manservant...which neither are initially thrilled about. This leads to Change in myth number two: Uther is still alive and king LONG after he is supposed to be...and he raised Arthur. Magic has been made a crime by Uther -change in myth number 3, so poor Merlin has to keep his secret from every body but Gaius. He still saves the day every episode but more or less this goes unnoticed as he generally can't take credit. Poor sweet almost hot Merlin. Anyway, Merlin does magic, is a dragonlord -Kilgarrah the dragon has to do his bidding-, and wants to help everyone...although sometimes the result can be catastrophic, such as the case of Morgana...which we will get into later. Oh and Merlin and Morgana are my number one couple to HATE-FUCK!

Next on the hit parade is Arthur, crowned prince of Camelot, played by Bradley James. Change in myth number 4 -Camelot has existed in some form for centuries as opposed to being created by him or his father (the myth varies as to WHO created Camelot). Now he is more or less the same as he is in the myth. Arrogant, being a prince and all, but generally a good-hearted young man who cares a whole mess for his people and his future kingdom...Although insulting and hard on his servant, Merlin, he does care about him and has put his life on the line for Merlin a number of times, since practically the beginning of the series. Change in myth number 5: He and Merlin are about the same age. Oh and he is a genuine hottie if you like blondes.

Hello Pretty Boy!

Although he has been raised to distrust magic by his father, he is far more reasonable regarding those accused of witchcraft or colluding with witches/warlocks. I will assume that when Merlin FINALLY gets around to telling Arthur that he is a warlock, Arthur won't be all "off with his HEAD!"

Next we have Uther...the BIGGEST source of changes of Myth! Oh and guess who plays him?!?

ANTHONY STEWART HEAD!!!!

For those very unfortunate few who live under a rock, Anthony Stewart Head played Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He is credited as Anthony Head, personally I think he should have kept Stewart in it. Anthony Head is a porn name. Anyway, Uther, as I have mentioned, is still alive. He raised Arthur and Morgana (since she was ten, I'll get to her next) and HATES magic. Change in myth number 6: rather than seducing Igraine, wife of Gorloix, via Merlin's Magic, Igraine was always his wife. She was barren so he went to Nimueh, a sorceress, to use magic to create a child. So magic is still involved but in the conception rather than him appearing to be Gorloix to Igraine. Anyway, it worked but, and YAY for this true tibit on magics, balance had to be restored. See you can't get something and not give up something when dealing with Magic. For a life to exist where it shouldn't, a life has to be taken. So Igraine dies in childbirth. Uther feels betrayed by the sorceress that did the magic so he decides to KILL ALL SORCERERS AND PRACTICERS OF MAGIC. Its good to be the king, huh? At heart, he is a good man and a good king, but his hatred of magic has led him to commit some great atrocities. This will be a GIANT issue for his "ward" Morgana.

And thus we transition to Change in myth number 7: Morgana aka Morgan le Fay, played by Katie McGrath. Who, thanks to Scooter's extensive collection of pictures, we all know to be quite fuckable. But here's a picture anyway!

Hello my Pretty!

Now in accepted myth, Morgana is the child of Igraine and Gorloix, thus through Igraine she is half-sister to Arthur. Now initially we just think the major change of myth is that she is simply a ward and NOT sister to Arthur. But we learn in season 3 that she is Uther's daughter...kinda the twist on how ARTHUR was supposed to be conceived. Rather than Uther fucking Igraine outside wedlock to conceive Arthur, he fucks Viviane, wife of Gorloix (who was "lonely" while husband was at war) and MORGANA is conceived. Initially in the series, Morgana is a very good natured young woman who is appalled at her "guardians" hunting people with magic. She cares about Arthur, Camelot, her servant-girl Guinevere -change in myth number 8- and becomes good friends with Merlin. But she has visions and eventually starts developing magical powers. She wants at first to use her magic for good, but unfortunately her mentor ends up being Morgause, her half-sister, who wants to destroy Camelot. If only Merlin HAD TOLD HER that he could do magic too when she confides in him, she may never had ended up an enemy. However, he listens to Gaius who tells him not to reveal his secret...dumb decision but then she is supposed to become an enemy. The final blow for Morgana is that, unbeknown to her, Morgause puts a spell on her that makes everyone around her fall asleep so that a bunch of unkillable soldiers can invade and kill Uther unchallenged...which cannot be broken unless the source is removed. Merlin and Arthur, having been away from Camelot, are all that stands between Uther and DEATH. So Merlin, in complete and utter agony, poisons Morgana with Hemlock at the end of the episode. Thus in season 3, Morgana has been utterly changed into a villain...understandably so I might add.

Here's that utterly heart-rending scene:

I wasn't kidding. Utterly heartbreaking. Merlin, in the ultimate act of negotiation, refuses to tell Morgause what poison he used until she lifts the spell -apparently knowing the poison would allow her to save Morgana whom she genuinely cares about-and so OWNAGE by Merlin. However, once best friends are now enemies. On the other hand, the interaction between the two in season 3 is Ripe for Hate-Fucking...and there are MANY fans who agree! Morgana, however, has everyone else convinced she is the same Morgana. And Merlin cannot reveal the truth because he is a servant and no one would believe him.

Moving on to what I have already deemed change in myth number 8: Guinevere, or Gwen as she's usually called, is played by Angel Coulby. Rather than being a child of a noble whom Arthur either marries out of love or for reasons of state or both, she is a servant. She is also Black.

Very pretty but obviously NOT a Celt.

Guinevere is the servant of Morgana, daughter of a blacksmith -who was killed for unknowingly helping a sorcerer. She and Morgana were very close friends before Morgana went to the dark side. As of yet, she is unaware of Morgana's powers or new allegiance. She has met Lancelot and there is a deep connection between the two. Oh change in myth number 9 -Lancelot is ALSO a commoner. But at the moment, she is genuinely in love with Arthur, who returns said feelings. Unfortunately for her, Morgana is aware of their mutual interest. This does not bode well for the pair.

Next is the aforementioned Gaius, played by Richard Wilson. Gaius is Merlin's mentor and guardian. He's the court physician and assisted Uther in his campaign against magic. Gaius went along with this campaign to a) be in the position to help practicers of GOOD magic get the FUCK out of dodge post-hastey and b) save his own neck since he too knows magic...kinda. Anyway, he does his best to calm the king down when he has his gander up, watch over Merlin, tried to keep Morgana from ever learning about her magical abilities through sleeping draughts -her magic originates in prophetic dreams. He wanted to keep Morgana in the dark due to her position as the ward of the King and thus prevent a rift between the two. He failed...miserably.

Gaius, the once and future collaborator

Merlin wanted to tell Morgana about his magic and that what she is going through is also magical in origin. Gaius tells him not to because it would put both of them at risk. Merlin decided to only follow part of Gaius's advice. He leads her to the druids so she can learn about what's happening to her...but DOES NOT tell her about his own abilities, as I mentioned earlier. Too bad for he would have been a much better teacher for Morgana then Morgause. Gaius had the best intentions in his dealings with Morgana. However, her road to hell was paved with HIS good intentions.

Finally, there is the dragon Kilgarrah, voiced by the esteemed John Hurt. He is the last of his kind, apparently. All the other dragons and their dragonlords were destroyed. He was captured and held prisoner under Camelot by Uther. Haven't a fucking clue how Uther managed this initially considering the massive issues they had with the dragon when Merlin set him free...which I'll get to momentarily.

Kilgarrah on his favorite rock.

Anyway, Merlin goes to the dragon repeatedly for advice and assistance. After X number of times, the dragon demands that Merlin release him someday in exchange for his continued help. Merlin agrees. Merlin sets him free. Chaos ensues as everyone knew it would. In revenge against Uther, Kilgarrah attacks Camelot. Merlin and Arthur set out to find the last dragonlord...oh and that happens to be Merlin's daddy. Merlin and Daddy meet. They bond. Merlin's daddy dies in a raid to protect his son. Merlin cries but also inherits the dragonlordliness upon Daddy's death. And thus now is master of Kilgarrah. And obviously stops the attack. Damn I thought this would take longer to explain. COOL! Anyway, the dragon can see the future and keeps telling Merlin he should eliminate both Morgana and Mordred(I'll get to him later)...which is weird seeing as THEY would be way more sympathetic to dragons than Arthur would. I personally think he intentionally caused Merlin to poison Morgana to create the rift between the two so Camelot could be destroyed... as it ultimately is when Mordred kills Arthur in the myth.

That's it for the main cast and some of the main plots. Because this is so frigging long I'm just gonna end with the cast of "big Bads" for Merlin.

Nimueh, played by Michelle Ryan. She wasn't supposed to ever have been a big bad but Uther's hunt and destruction of her kind led her to become a villain. She told Uther once in the show that she did NOT know that Igraine would be the one to die. If she had known she would never have used magic to help her conceive, considering the atrocities that would occur due to Igraine's death. Nimueh kept trying to undermine Camelot but Merlin kept interfering. She tries to kill Merlin, fails. Ultimately, Merlin kills Nimueh. Change in myth number 10. Nimueh, in certain myths, captures and imprisons Merlin. In other versions, they are lovers. In yet other versions, its both column A and B. And considering how fucking HOT Nimueh was, Merlin should have at least Hate-fucked her.

Nimueh obviously has a good anti-aging spell!

Morgause, played by Emilia Fox. As mentioned, she is the half-sister and mentor of Morgana. Morgause is allied to the Old Religion and the magics. She, understandably like all of her kind, wants Uther dead. She first tries to make this happen by leading Arthur to learn about the truth of his conception. Merlin reluctantly convinces Arthur that she was lying to manipulate him...even though its actually the truth. Now she is working through Morgana. And she may or may not (it hasn't been revealed as of yet on Syfy) be the mother of the ultimate big bad... Mordred. According to different versions of the myth, he is the son of either Morgana or Morgause... but the show has already decided to ix-nay much of the accepted canon. On a very strange note, my computer recognizes ix-nay as a proper word and thus recognizes pig latin.

Morgause, Master Manipulator and Most Likely Mother of Mordred. YAY ALLITERATION!

And Finally there is Mordred, played by Asa Butterfield. Also he is without a doubt, the creepiest kid on TV! He was introduced in season 1 as a child being hunted for his magic. Merlin, Morgana, and Arthur help him to escape despite Dragon telling Merlin that he will one day kill Arthur... in this they decide to stick to canon. Anyway, this child is as much responsible for Morgana's rift with Uther and her turn to the darkside as Morgause. Every time he shows up, Morgana and Uther have a confrontation... and Morgana is drawn that much deeper into the world of Magic. Although he initially is friendly with Merlin, Merlin's continuous choosing Camelot over Magic leads to him becoming an enemy. Oh this child is also telepathic. He mostly communicates by thought. His latest message to Merlin was "I will NOT forgive this and I will NEVER forget." Dun Dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

I would be way more frightened of THIS coming out of a TV then Samara.

So that's it. I did my best to condense two and half seasons. Hope you decide to watch it. You can Hulu the first two seasons.

'Sup Peoples!


Das Scoot is back!

And I've got a special surprise for y'all!


Since Rob has yet to give us Topless Roboteers a rundown of the best (worst?) of 2010's FFF installments, TTOS Contributor JM Hoffmann came up with this gem--I "edited" it and threw in an idea or two, and TR Poster and friend of TTOS RubyRoses added some input (if anyone else assisted in this endeavor, I apologize for overlooking your assistance--I only know what I'm told! ^_~)

So, without further ado, follow our good friend Toht to the jump, and prepare to experience THE FIRST ANNUAL ROBBY AWARDS!





The 2010 Robby Awards!!!


When grading fanfiction, you can’t just say one is the best. That’s a highly subjective question, as are the judging criteria. Each genre has its own special way of amusing and/or horrifying us. So, with that in mind, we at the Academy of Fanfiction Arts and Sciences have decided to break the 2010 fanfic review into categories. Winners in each category will receive a solid gold statuette*

*Assuming Rob is willing to pose topless for a sculptor**


**Also assuming that whatever institution the authors are in will allow the statuette to be slipped in through the food slot in their cell.

Now, the big prize this year is the Best Story award. That one will be judged last based upon five specific criteria each worth ten points for a total of 50 possible:

Hilarity/Insanity

The less likely a fanfic is to occur, the better for both of these categories. There is a very fine line between laughably bad or poorly thought out FF, and frighteningly crazy FF, so they share a category

Obscurity/Illegality


This is the internet. We realize that, as per the rules of the internet, everything has perverse fanfic written about it, and anything you can think of is probably fetishized somewhere. However, that doesn’t mean we want to know about it, or read about it in a fanfic. Bonus points will also be awarded depending on how many countries would implement the death sentence for what goes on in the FF.

Scope/Source

How epic in scope is the fanfic? Is it just two characters banging in a shed? Or is it the entire cast of the property? What effect does their inexplicable gay bdsm relationship have on the rest of the world? And how weird or unlikely is the source material? We’ll be using what we call the Bricken Postulation here, which is a theory stating that FF of family friendly warm hearted properties is likely to be far worse than fanfic based upon, say--Rambo, and therefore gains more points.

Detail

Let’s face it, the more paragraphs an author is ready to put into describing DBZ characters fisting each other, the more likely they are to skin you and make you into a blouse. We award points for that.

WHY?

This will essentially be the bonus category. The more existential questions or crises of faith the fanfic creates in the reader, the more points it receives.

We will also have awards in the following categories:



Best Author

The best Fanfic Scribe.

Best Drama

The most epic, lengthy, and/or well written fanfic we can find.

Best Supporting Role

It just wouldn’t be Star Wars if Jabba The Hutt didn’t slug about while everyone is raping each other. This category is for a character that shined in a non-sexual or fetishistic role.

Best Comedy

The laugh out loud [rape] story of the year.

Most Devastating


This will be awarded to the fanfic that kills the most readers

Best Couple

Chemistry is everything. The best matched couple will triumph here.

Best Anal Penetration Scene (consensual)


A most coveted award

Best Anal Penetration Scene (nonconsensual)

Certainly something to put on the mantelpiece.

Best Fetish

Enemas? Abortions? Muscles? Sonic The Hedgehog fans? Egads!

Best Death Scene

Sometimes we have to say goodbye to the characters we grew up loving. It’s significantly more painful to do so when they’re covered in maggots for no logical reason.



Best Author

And the Nominees are…

No, fuck it. We’re not even going to have a running for this one. Congratulations, ComicsNix! Abraxas-- our apologies. Feel free to gripe in the comments about academy favoritism or Jews running Hollywood…



Best Drama

And the Nominees are…

After The Orgy


The Case of Erudition Towards Reliance


Momo, Do You Dream Of Hungry Eskimos?


Alvan an The Chipmunks 3


Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh


Donald And Daisy

The most seriously written, epic fanfiction offered up to us this year is a hard decision to make. Is it the crime and punishment of Alvan an the Chipmunks? The Spartacus style sexual gladiator matches of Love Beyond Circuits? Or Maybe its just Sherlock Holmes getting an enema a lot, or the twisted relationship between Sonic and Tails? Or, is it the epic fantasy of a lemur crawling in an ox’s ass? Two Ducks cheating on each other and then penetrating Donald’s urethra? The Academy reached a decision rather quickly, but one of the committee unearthed arcane bylaws that ruled out one of our top contenders. Unfortunately, Alvan An The Chipmunks 3 was written as a mix of serious drama, comedy, and afterschool special about rape. This confusing tone, and the author’s beliefs that he was the fanfic world anti-rape messiah, lead us to disqualify the story.

In the end, the decision came with a sudden epiphany: Donald and Daisy isn’t about cartoon characters at all. They’re referred to more often with real live human characteristics than with those of their cartoon animal counterparts! This wasn’t just any fanfic, it was a play written where the leads happened to share names with cartoon characters, and meant to be acted with 1940s era dramatic flare, or perhaps as an excerpt from The Passion Of The Christ. In any event, the academy awards Donald and Daisy the Robby for best drama. Love Beyond Circuits comes in as our runner up. Despite having a star studded cast and a star studded anal cavity, it didn’t really seem to have anything to say (although it did tell us what happened to Jar Jar after the prequels!)

Best Supporting Role

And The Nominees Are…

Howard Stern’s evil twin in Slutball

Screech in The One Gigantic Fix

Cheer Bear in Slave Bear of Care A Lot

Jabba the Hutt in Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh

Snoop Dogg in Alvan and the Chipmunks 3


In this category, there is no doubt that the side character who added the most to our proceedings has to be Cheer Bear in Slave Bear of Care-a-lot! Who gets points for creeping us all out without ever having to actually perform any sex act. Snoop Dogg’s appearance in Alvan and the Chipmunks 3 gets a mention here though, but not quite top caliber.

Best Comedy

And the Nominees Are…

Doomsday Womb


Dirty X Men


Love In The Smudge


One Gigantic Fix


Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh


There was no way we could judge the number of overall times a story made us laugh, and to judge them on their best moment alone might let a story with just one particularly good point take the top spot when another was more consistently funny. Now, each of these stories was nominated for one particularly legendary and hilarious scene or theme. We have the author’s continued misunderestimation of what a vagina is in Dirty X Men, the ecosystem in Wonder Woman’s vagina in Love In The Smudge, the pity-masturbation-party in The One Gigantic Fix, the scene where Potimus uses Jar Jar’s severed penis to fuck Princess Leia in Love Beyond Circuits and… Finally… EVERY SINGLE PART of Doomsday Womb which is our obvious and natural winner. ComicsNix was in rare form for that story, and it will remain the standard for batshit insanity in all future FFFs. We’re going to give the runner up status to Dirty X Men, not for the fanfic, but for Rob’s commentary, which was easily his best of the year including such exasperated gems as “OH MY GOD I WILL SEND YOU A PICTURE OF A VAGINA, JUST PLEASE STOP TALKING”

Most Devastating


And the Nominees are…

Day of Reckoning


Loyal Heart Babysits

How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (AKA: The Other Story)


Frailty


Lessons Learned on Sesame Street

The Academy would rather not have to examine these nominees any closer than absolutely necessary: It certainly takes its toll--murder/suicide and dismemberment seem less evil when put up against abortion fetish and anthroinfantobeastiality. Indeed in Day of Reckoning showing off wrongness seems to be the entire point, with Cyclops madly throwing maggots and worms on a bed and then raping someone amidst the squirming mass, which is wrong, but at least the author clearly knows that. Abortion is legal, though what Videl is doing in her story should be punishable by…well, what Scoot does to Loga in Day Of Reckoning. So we’re down to three…. No one here honestly wants to read these to pick, but this is the task we vowed to complete. Alright, we know that all three of the remaining nominees are awful and illegal… We tried to judge them on the number of heinous crimes committed in each, but we lost count somewhere around 24.

What it comes down to is this: What happened to Elmo was so wrong that he counter-raped Maria for it… so that’s pretty bad, bad enough for the runner up… but the last story, and the winner, Loyal Heart Babysits, contains no moral compass. The horrifying events that occur therein are presented in a happy go lucky fashion that makes it more morally repugnant than the other two. The tone is similar to the works of legendary FF writer Brickhouse Bunny 21 wherein the writer displays no remorse for the characters actions, and that bears are once more the victims. Why is it always the bears? WHHYYYYY? Lessons Learned on Sesame Street comes in a very close second.

Best Couple

And the Nominees are…

Kirk and Spock in For Better or Immersed

Batman and Robocop in The Day The Men Found Love

Lois Lane and a Cucumber in Farmgirl Lois


Some crazy chick and Optimus Prime in When Optimus And I Met And Fell In Love

Dobby and Professor Trelawney in The True Meaning of Liberty


Donald and Daisy Duck in Donald and Daisy


Zelda and a Snake in Zelda Swallowed By a Snake

Sonic and Tails in After The Orgy

This category isn’t just about good pairings or great sexual scenes, this is about the meaning of these relationships, and how well the writer conveys that. Could they last forever? Could it be true love? Or is it a doomed enterprise, a pair of star-crossed lovers? Sometimes, when the characters are entangled in the tentacles of passion, it’s hard to tell for them and for the reader as well. We’re going to try to find meaning in these beautiful and tender romantic tales… Join us, won’t you?

Kirk and Spock are really about that wedding vow. These two guys are turned into fish people, possibly forever, but in spite of that tribulation, or perhaps because of it, they can still see to each other’s manly needs. Batman and Robocop on the surface seem to be forced to enter anal sex with each other for a rather contrived reason, but on that homeless person’s mattress they found true love, a love that both knew was doomed from the start, which only made it more meaningful to the two. Lois Lane and her cucumber was just a passing fling, and Lois treats it as this. There is no pity that soon her cucumber must be chopped up and eaten, no sadness for her lover’s passing. Perhaps these feelings are hidden too deeply to be easily apparent in a poorly written erotic fanfic, but all the same, it doesn’t seem very romantic. Sonic and Tails is another classic pairing, but they fall by the wayside because Sonic is a homophobe.

The crazy chick who wrote about fucking Optimus Prime seems to have watched “The Girl Who Loved Powerglide”a little too often, and her story seems to be little more than something for her to flick her bean to. Again, not very romantic. Also, she loses points for being crazy: If she ever did meet Optimus Prime, she wouldn’t romance him; she’d give him Autobotroofies and keep him in a pit in her basement. Dobby and Professor Trelawney seem to be in the throes of passion, and Trelawney is somewhat drunk on cooking sherry at the time, so we’re not sure we can say that this is love so much as Dobby experiencing his freedom. Perhaps he will be free to pleasure Professor McGonnagal later on that same night? Consider it, and this looks less like true love. Donald and Daisy Duck do go through some hard times, but Jesus died on the cross so that their indiscretions could be forgiven… and then repeated in the second half, sigh… This looks more like “To Blave” than “True Love”. Lastly we have the doomed romance of Zelda and a Snake. Jealous Link kills the snake in the end, as we know he must. I don’t want to get into the Freudian aspects of wanting to eat your lover, or to exist permanently inside your lover, but I think there was something there. Zelda found something special inside that snake, something many of us search for our whole lives, something that will go on forever in Zelda’s heart.

In the interests of love, we can afford a tie. Look at it as splitting the category into best new pairing and best classic pairing. Batman and Robocop share the Robby with Kirk and Spock--congratulations to both of them, and to Zelda, the remaining half of our runner up couple.


Best Anal Penetration Scene (consensual)

And The Nominees Are…

The Day The Men Found Love


After The Orgy


Love In The Smudge


Arthur The Piggy


Goten’s Birthday


This is a hard category to judge. Unlike traditional penis vs. vagina sex, anal sex seems to, in fanfic, require some preamble. In The Day The Men Found Love Robocop fucks Batman with a smoke grenade so Batman’s secret identity won’t be revealed. Love In The Smudge involves Shrek pegging Wonder Woman so she can sleep despite “feeling like a pork chop” Arthur The Piggy… I don’t even know, but I believe that tongues are inserted into anuses in order to clean out barbecue sauce. Goten’s Birthday involves anal sex between various characters as a birthday tradition. After The Orgy has no special reason for what goes on, except that it is part of a Greek tragedy. A Greek tragedy involving anal sex by homophobic hedgehogs. The last two seem to have the least elaborate setups, and any butt hole will tell you that setting up properly is important to anal sex.

Down to three, and how to judge? Well, it’s quite simple really. All three stories contain anal sex… but how much consent is there? How much do the characters care about each other? In Arthur The Piggy, our heroes are not over the age of consent (in people years at least, what the fuck is the age of consent for an aardvark?) so that one’s out. The last two are easy. Diana doesn’t seem pleased that Shrek is “Doing what orks do best” with his “decomposing dick”. It takes some convincing, and is a one time extramarital affair. In The Day The Men Found Love, the winning story, Batman and Robocop know their relationship is fleeting due to the need to go kill stupid shit hippies, but this makes their relationship more special, not less. Like a desert flower that only blooms for one day, tentacle rapes you, and then dies. Those men found happiness in each other’s orifices, if only for a moment. Kudos to you, Batman. Kudos to you Robocop. Kudos to you, phallic smoke grenade! Arthur The Piggy gets the runner up spot, because those cartoon animals seemed to have a really great time licking barbecue sauce off each other.

Best Anal Penetration Scene (nonconsensual)

And the Nominees are…

Slutball


Slave Bear of Care A Lot


Harry Potter And The Creepy House


Harry Potter And The Surprise Package


Creepy Scooby Doo

Once again we have several deserving candidates here. But, we must ask the question: Is quantity of butt rape important when judging this category? Slutball definitely has all the others beat for shear rapeyness, but the story actually repeats the same concept over and over again enough that it becomes less horrifying due to quantity, even though the moose Borg thing was certainly a novel touch. It should be noted that, of the remaining entries, 3 use the word “creepy”, two of them in their titles! Is creepy a byword for forcible sodomy? You decide!

Next, we narrowed it down still further by removing Slave Bear of Care A Lot and Creepy House, because the sodomy in those wasn’t made quite bizarre enough. So, coming down to it, we have a story where Harry gets raped and impregnated with alien penis monsters and ultimately murdered, by Hermione of course, and a story where Shaggy gets tentacle raped by a suddenly betentacled Fred who forces him into the arrangement by threatening to fuck Scooby Doo if Shaggy doesn’t join in. These are both truly repulsive works of fanfiction, hell, all of these are… and the only way we can think to judge them is to simply put two excerpts up and figure out which is worst:

“She hadn't expected him to know such an obscure charm, but she had a counter ready… Harry's spell choked and died, leaving him only with the rough Cryptophallus ravaging his poor shit-factory. He howled pitifully.”

Or

“Fred hates Shaggy. He yells out to Daphne, "Shaggy won't put one in his mouth!" Daphne walks by with his arms full of friedworks, says, "Bet Scooby would," and hops off the bus.”

The number of errors in that one last sentence, fried fireworks, Daphne having a masculine pronoun, the mystery machine being called a bus, and the continued implied threat that a dog may be tentacle raped all make Creepy Scooby Doo the unquestionable winner in this category and leave Harry’s poor asshole a sore second.

Best Fetish

And the Nominees are…

Night of The Beast for motorcyclophilia

For Better Or Immersed for Scalies

Neon Muscle Evangelion for muscle fetish

Zelda Swallowed By A Snake for, well, Zelda getting swallowed by a snake… in a sexy way
(it's called "vorephilia", dude!--The Editor)

Rebecca and Brianna’s Unbirth Adventure for unbirthing fetish

How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (AKA: The Other Story ) for abortion fetish

The Scientific Method for …. I really don’t fucking know, but it’s sick.

A quick word on the Academy’s reasoning here. It is true-- we didn’t add the two coprophilious fetish stories. Considering FFF featured two of those it seems a bit too common to be very shocking. Farmgirl Lois is out because the fruit and vegetable fucking seems to be but a convenient vehicle for her libido rather than a fetishized habit. Enema fetish is also out, because we saw two stories featuring that one, and it gets old quick. And although diaper fetish is fairly well known as well, we chose not to add the two stories involving diapers because that was secondary to the horrible pedobestiality. So, we’re left with six very bizarre stories that are largely focused on seven fetishes that we are all, hopefully, new to.

We have Wolverine getting aroused by motorcycles and then fucking a sentient one. We have Kirk and Spock being turned on by the fact that they are mutated fish men and feeling each others gills. The Evangelion girls are muscular and this is apparently sexy. Zelda getting eaten by a snake is sexy too, even to Zelda, the snake’s victim. Unbirthing fetish wherein Brianna is regressed to infancy and then into, sigh, a fetus inside of Rebecca and finally abortion fetish, wherein a fetus is destroyed with arousing results for Videl. And then there’s Aragorn going deep into Frodo’s newly developed Mines of Moria…

You know what finally decides it for me? Sex acts. Wolverine fucks something. He uses his penis in a traditional way, on a non traditional target. Kirk and Spock perform a homosexual act, which is totally cool and ok, just they happen to be fish while they do it. Zelda, despite being eaten by a snake or more likely because of it, masturbates. Videl does likewise while thinking about her abortion. Two fanfics remain that are set apart for one reason: The human sex organs are never utilized for anything traditionally associated with sex. The author of Rebecca and Brianna’s Unbirthing Adventure, our winner, didn’t need to think about actual sex to get off. She just needed to imagine shrinking a woman and shoving her into her uterus. That’s devotion to your fetish. Neon Muscle Evangelion just seems too benign, and as such we have decided that Zelda Swallowed By A Snake and Videl Discovers Her Abortion Fetish share the runner up spot for introducing us to two things we never knew were so very, very sexy.

Best Death Scene

And the Nominees are…


Sailor’s Lament


The Bitch Must Pay


Urine


Harry Potter And The Surprise Package


Day Of Reckoning

This is a fairly easy category. Death is something we can all deal with. The other fanfic subject matter, not so much. However, for many of these authors, death isn’t enough. Dying a horrible, humiliating, painful death seems to be where it’s at for them. Fox McCloud’s urine soaked murder at the hands of his wife and that Sailor Moon girl getting eaten by a cat seem tame compared to the other fare here. The Bitch Must Pay is written merely as a celebration of feminine vindictiveness, not something to “masturbate” to as one FF author might put it. Down to the top, or perhaps bottom two, we have Harry Potter having his butt raped and then exploded by cryptophallids, and of course, well, the sordid events of Day Of Reckoning… We can tell by the fact that none of us wish to even describe the events of Day Of Reckoning that it deserves to win. All the characters in the story die in a scene reminiscent of the tale of Oedipus. Surprise Package pulls off another close second.

Best Story


And the Nominees are…

Day of Reckoning


Harry Potter and the Surprise Package


Doomsday Womb


Love Beyond Circuits Love Beyond Flesh


Love In The Smudge


Lessons Learned On Sesame Street


Dirty X Men

All of these fanfics got tens in Hilarity/Insanity. They each got a perfect ten in another category too, usually WHY? However, what really clinched it were the second and third categories. Day of Reckoning would have been very much in the running, except that it only had 3 characters and no impact on the setting. Love in the Smudge and Dirty X Men fell to this pitfall as well, making the choice for our top fanfic much simpler. The winner of the 2010 Robby award for best picture is…

Lessons Learned on Sesame Street with a score of 48 out of a possible 50. The only category it faltered slightly in was Scope- the story only involved like, four characters… Still, that was 4 too many in our book. The limited cast and world building was somewhat alleviated by the consequences the author put forth involving monster babies resulting from Elmo rape… oh god, why are we doing this?

This fanfic was deeply scarring because of the subject matter, detail and bizarre things the characters did. No other fanfic in recent memory has attacked a beloved and innocent part of our childhoods so insidiously. It beat out both runners up by a full 4 points. The rest of the pack was at least 10 points behind this magnum opus of perversion. Speaking of, the runners up were

Harry Potter and the Surprise Package


And

Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh


Each with 44 points



Thanks to JM, Ruby, Rob, all the winners and nominees, and the degenerate psychopaths who craft these magnificent entertainments/arguments for human extinction.

See you next year/in Hell!


Scooter Atreides (wearing Billy Crystal's harvested skin)

WE ARE MYTHBUSTERS!!!!!!!!

TV generally sucks. Every fucking channel has caught the reality TV bug. Even most actual TV shows suck. There really are only 4 shows I still watch: Chuck, Sanctuary, Doctor Who, and Mythbusters. Mythbusters, I guess, does fall under "reality" tv but it has something other reality shows DON'T have... science. And Explosions. And more importantly, scientific explosions.

So here's a list of why Mythbusters rules over every other show...even Doctor Who:

(this, btw, is where the jump break should be--Blogger's been screwing around with the posting format and for some reason decided to remove that option, right after I asked all my contributors to start using it! Way to make me look like a complete tool, Blogger!)

Right. I thought the best way to go about this would be to look at the categories Lizzie employed in judging these films, and discuss where we agree and/or disagree. Beginning with:

PROTAGONISTS:

I actually have no argument whatsoever with Lizzie's assertion here: Of course Seymour and Audrey are far and away more likeable than Brad and Janet!

Problem is--since when are these two middle-America schmucks the protagonists of Rocky Horror? We HATE Brad and Janet! (or, as the community affectionately knows them: Asshole and Slut) And that's exactly what they're there for--the whole film concerns destroying this couple's smarmy, white-bread, midwestern innocence. They're walking archetypes, symbols of all that is anachronistic and intolerant in modern society.

We all know who the REAL protagonist is:



Hells Yeah! (I got to play Frank on 3 separate occasions--THERE IS NO GREATER THRILL ON EARTH!!! I don't care who you are, you get in that costume and make-up, and you can't NOT strut!)

Need more proof? Exhibit B:


That's right! Dr. Frank N. Furter is the film's Protagonist. Brad and Janet only seem to be Protagonists because of their large amount of screen time--and the fact that the story begins with them. Truth is, they're audience surrogates more than anything else--the real source of the film's motive power comes from Frank, it's the story of the world he built himself, and it's his actions and will that drive the story. Oh, sure--he tampered in God's Domain by creating life (and then pounding it in the ass), as well as that little matter of cold blooded murder and forced cannibalism--but no one ever claimed Frank was a particularly "moral" Protagonist!

COSTUMES:

Not much to say here--Lizzie and I are on the same page regarding the majesty of Sue Blane's costume designing skills. So here's a funny pic:



CELEBRITY CAMEOS:
I may be biased, but I'm not unreasonable: Lizzie called this one right--Bill Murray trumps Meatloaf any day of the week. Score One for Little Shop.
PLOT:
Plot? Folks, these are musicals--by even HAVING plots they've both greatly exceeded expectations!
However, I give the edge to Rocky for one simple reason: Originality.
Little Shop is an adapted work--all the makers of the musical had to do was tweak the Corman film and write songs. Jim Sharman and Richard O'Brien had to work from scratch--creating story and music out of the blue.
SPECIAL EFFECTS/PIZAZZ/"WOW" FACTOR:
This category baffled me somewhat--for it would seem to cover a broad range of aspects, yet Lizzie gave the nod to Little Shop based solely on special effects.
Well, when the star of your film is a giant, singing, man-eating alien plant, you NEED special effects! The audience had to accept Audrey II as a character, and this could not be accomplished without the best animatronics and puppetry 1986 had to offer, not to mention the likes of Frank Oz.
I don't belittle their achievement in the slightest--but Rocky Horror had a slightly different idea of "Pizazz"--Observe:

<iframe width="425" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/FPzhYhuQXZY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Advantage: Time Warp! :)

(UPDATE: This was once an actual clip of The Time Warp as it appears in the movie--unfortunately, it was yanked for copywright infringement--this is the best I can do to replace it)

We're talking about musicals here--not Sci-Fi epics. Special effects are nice, but hardly essential. Show stopping productions are far more important. The only number in Little Shop that even approached this kind of scope was "Downtown".
SONGS:
Again, nothing really to say: Lizzie and I are in accord concerning our preference of Rocky's music. Oddly enough, the only point of contention I have with her on this involves Little Shop: I can do without "Somewhere That's Green", but I love "Suddenly Seymour", mostly because I can passably sing as Seymour (though to be sure, "Feed Me" is a great deal more fun!)
ANTAGONIST:
Ok, some of you must have already been wondering: "If Frank's the Protagonist, who's the Antagonist?"
That one's not as easy to answer--Brad and Janet are far too bland and ineffectual to make serious foes. Besides, Frank "defeated" them rather handily! (in a manner of speaking)
Riff-Raff and Magenta, then? After all, they did kill him.
But when you come down to it--Frank was finally defeated by his own personal flaws and uncontrolled lifestyle, Riff's laser was merely the instrument of this defeat.
So Frank is both Protagonist AND Antagonist!
Which actually changes nothing--I have to admit, Dr. Orin Scrivello, DDS is a far more vile and reprehensible individual, and I do not dispute Little Shop's taking of the Villain Prize.
NARRATOR:
Oh you did NOT just diss my boy Chuckie!
Of COURSE Rocky's Criminologist was out of place, and his presence jarring--THAT WAS HIS JOB! They went out of the way to make him as foreign to the characters and setting of the film as possible. Oh, and I played him for six years. ;)
Nothing at all is wrong with Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon (though they were slightly misnamed, as The Crystals were white). But they're not narrators, they're a Greek Chorus--not quite the same thing.
A Narrator remains above and outside the story(even in the rare cases when he is a character in the story, he still manages to remain essentially aloof)--a Chorus is part of the story, albeit always in the background.
I call this one a draw, as the combatants are not evenly matched.

CONCLUSION:
Um...yeah. In case you haven't been paying attention--I prefer Rocky Horror.
However, I don't want anyone to think I have ANYTHING against Little Shop! I've loved it since I was 9 years old and always will. I leave you with a vid of the aforementioned "Feed Me".
If you'll excuse me--I'm about to embarrass myself in front of my roommates...





Scoot On Musicals