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HO FREAKIN' HO!


Hmm...looks like I CAN still do jump breaks--I just have to post with my crappy old Yahoo account that cuts me off from my dear ones on Google chat when I use it. Merry Christmas and Suck my Balls, Blogger!


So here's the dealio: I don't have jack shit to do for the Holidays--so I'm taking advantage of my solitary misery for the benefit of you lucky peoples, who, gods willing, will be spending this Yuletide with your RL friends and loved ones.

Over the next three days I'll be posting various holiday related articles and content for you and your families' Christmas enjoyment--all I ask is that you remember me in your prayers to Santa.


Tonight, I'll once again be attempting a Youtube "Simulcast" of an MST3K holiday classic--a Mexican import more horrific than Montezuma's Revenge: K. Gordon Murray's production of "Santa Claus"!

Some of you may wonder why I don't go with the more traditional "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians"? Well, bad as that film is, and hilarious as the episode is, I always found this one to be a few notches above it on the WTF-o-meter. Come on! Santa lives in a castle in space, forces kidnapped children from around the world to make his toys and sing festive native songs on command, works with Merlin the Wizard, carries potent narcotics in a little pouch on his belt, and battles Satan one-on-one! (and I won't even get into the demonic wind-up reindeer!) Ok, granted, there's no lame-ass cardboard robot--but in every other way, this film is a superior romp in the jolliest circle of Hell.

The festivities begin at 7PM EST (I'm in Central, sure, but most of my audience seems to be further east)

If you're uncertain how to find this chunk of Christmas Crapcake--either search for "mst3k santa claus" at youtube itself, or go to my youtube channel (see link list on sidebar) and check the favorites.

We'll (assuming anyone shows) be chatting live in the comments section as we watch--Join us for some hilarious, disturbing, Holiday cheer!


I'll be back with more Christmassy goodness as I said, for now--here's a taste of the aforementioned film. It's not an MST3K bit, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to find the creator of this work of genius and bear his/her children.



Until tonight!


Scooter Claus

Everyone always talks about the FFF band names, but I dont think thats taking it far enough. What sort of music would the bands play? Who would sing in them? What would their songs be called?

Well, I've answered those questions that likely werent meant to be answered. All of the band and song names are taken from FFFs mostly in the past 2 years. Damn its a lot easier sending material to someone else than trying to update my own website.





Cute Face Americans
The Cute Face Americans are well past their prime, but the aging boy band members have shown here that their twelve year old fans will still turn out to listen to over-coiffed 30 somethings sing hits from their older albums such as “I’m Going To Take Special Care of My Sweet Little Bear” and “You Are Even More Beautiful (without clothes on)” They also have some new material such as the Haiti disaster relief tune “On This Very Planet” They’re donating ten percent of the sales from their greatest hits CD to the Clinton-Bush earthquake relief fund, a real class act!

Penetration Moment
Taking the spot vacated by the Cute Face Americans in the heart of tweens everywhere, Penetration Moment have shot to fame with their latest album titled Save Every Minute which features the hit single “Just Give It Some Time To Work” and the sultry “I Fear That I Must Break Your Virginity” Speaking of breaking, Penetration Moment’s guitarist, Scoot Summers, is reportedly recovering from a fractured toe after a gang of teenage girls mobbed him when he was cut off from his security detail. The staff of NWN Music wishes him a speedy recovery!

The Milk junkies
The Milk Junkies (named as an allusion to their Straight Edge beliefs) show their Boston roots in the latest LP with aggressive, dangerous punk. I really enjoyed the crashing drum solo at the end of “The Others Were All Shredded”. Another jewel in this album that is starting to get some local radio play is their emo flavored “Unfurl and Sputter” This band has been touring extensively and is ready to move up in the world. I greatly look forward to their next album.

Old Fashion Pants Off Spankings
OFPOS have been around seemingly forever. Apparently they noticed as much because they’ve tried to reinvent themselves in their latest album. Their efforts include going more of a hard-core route with their single “Mucus Sucked” and even, sadly, dashing into ham-fisted political commentary that would make Yoko Ono squirm with their vegan anthem “Leave The Meat Intact Because It Is Sin” Some bands get better with age. The Pants Off Spankings are not among them, frankly I wish they’d heed their name and go back to their old fashioned Sex Pistol style punk rock.

Tokyo Gynecologist
Few critics know just what to make of Tokyo Gynecologist. The band has broken with many conceptions and their latest album, written by eccentric Italian lead singer who goes only by the name Engorgio, is a smorgasbord of the random. Notable tracks include “Take Me To London”, a break-core ballad sure to get some play in clubs, and the esoteric “Beauty Cleavages and Serpent Arses” which, to my ear, seemed to be little more than a series of washing machine noises and samplings of the drummer’s boyfriend pitching some kind of strange anal tampon. I would buy this album, but only if the profits went towards psychological help for the band members.

Spread Eagle On The Hoverbed
The music world thought it had seen the last of Oliver Wayne when his previous band, “Laughing Shimmer of Metallic Pain” failed and split up. However he’s reorganized and found a new keyboardist and begun to play clubs under the name “Spread Eagle On The Hoverbed”. Their self titled first album was just released and I was lucky enough to get a first copy. Being a fan of his from his days with Laughing Shimmer I was elated, and Wayne has lost none of his potency. The pulsing beats of “Much Update System” reminded me of the good old days in the old clubs, while newer more experimental jams such as “I’m Afraid The Rejuvenation Chamber Won’t Be Enough” include funkadelic elements while remaining true to the band’s roots. Five stars!

Mamed Sweet Sister
Death Metal is a genre you either love or hate, and no band enjoys hatred more than Mamed Sweet Sister. The hard rocking, hard drinking band, is presently a trio. It seems their bassist is on hiatus after injecting what he describes as “a strange and unknown liquid” which, unlike his customary heroine, “removed his powers”. However Mamed Sweet Sister are still doing shows and pumping out new material and finding new ways to scream about dead babies and the ancient Roman snake deity they worship. Their latest album, “Give Me The Hard Fuck” features the almost hummable arena metal anthem “Hail Corbra”, apparently a song of praise to the aforesaid God, and they’ve shown that they haven’t gone soft with “Alomst Dead Baby”. A metal band that hasn’t sold out, I give them four stars!

Trust The Squid
Trust The Squid have gone against the wishes of the National PTSA, at least two papal bulls and a Muslim fatwa calling for their deaths, and created a new album. After their last album, “Giant Lawnmowers Will Grind Everyone To Dead” one might think the shock rockers had little left to astonish soccer moms and the religious right. However, their new effort, “Simile Apocalypse” features even more aggressive bass riffs, and the headline song “Abortion Fetish” is sure to turn heads. The band list their favorite movie on Myspace as “The Davinci Code” a fitting film as they’ll probably be getting hunted down by Opus Dei any time now.

Daggerous
Daggerous are fresh off a tour with My Chemical Romance and ready to push their latest album, “Robocop, It’s So Cold Here” I sat down with lead singer Karl Voldo and guitarist Bill Ivy for a chat. While they fiddled with their black hoodies and strained under the pressure of their ladies cut jeans, they told me about the personal problems that led to songs such as “Hungry Or Ashamed” and “Slowly Splintering Mind” Frankly though, I couldn’t give a toss. 1 star.

Throbbing glory
Throbbing Glory, on the other hand, continue to redefine the genre labeled as emo on a daily basis, while simultaneously rejecting the label. We can forgive them that bit of pretension because their latest album is full of melancholy classics such as “Failing Backwards” and “Random Movements, Gestures” They’re set to play Ozzfest this summer, and while I can’t speak for the rest of our staff here, I intend to be there!

Twin Brother and the Hairy Apes
This band does some genuinely great rock and roll, and in an era when everyone is trying to be different and new, that’s kind of refreshing. Their Drummer, Richard Kennedy, was just released from rehab after a tragic car crash that claimed the life of his six groupies. No idea how they all fit into his Porsche.. Anywho, Twin Brother and the Hairy Apes latest CD is full of fist pumping old style rock that will have aging baby boomers and younger people with taste nodding their heads to songs such as “Rapid Heartbeat Almost Lover” and their Queen inspired anthem “Everyone Here Is In Trouble Now” Send a message to the site mod from Yiffstar, these bad boys of rock are going on tour this summer, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Twat Nipples
Twat Nipples, a disturbed duo who go by the names “Slush” and “Glurp” have been building a following in the mid west, mainly because there is nothing else to do in the mid west. Their angry and insane songs include madness such as “I’m Going To Toss You Down The Goddamn Stairs”, a song their lead wrote about his troubled relationship with his mother, and the time he tossed her down the goddamn stairs, and “Suck A Soft And Redful Hair”, a song apparently written about Glurp’s ample red pubic bush. Avoid if possible.

And No Bra
In the tradition of Shonen Knife comes And No Bra, a femme-punk band that, unlike Old Fashioned Pants Off Spankings, actually know what they’re talking about when they try to make a political statement. Sadly, that doesn’t make them any less annoying. Front-person Loonis Lane is still forcing her agenda on everyone from statements against eating meat in the song “Amazing Salad” to equating Christianity and its holidays with sexual assault in “No More Rape and Presents” Might be soothing to women on their period. 2 Stars.

Mechanical Penis Weekend
Feuding members of MPW have announced that their next world tour will be their last as a band, describing it as a "Departing Rim Job", as the shows occur around the Pacific Rim. This is fitting, as only the Japanese seem to be able to understand just what this band is up to. The lead singer has bitterly claimed that Americans simply don't get their deep messages, but it's hard to look for messages in their latest album "Furiously Onto The Corn" when the animated video for its main song, the experimental electronica "Turn Me Into A Chipunk Or I'll Kill Your Son" features a pair of panties committing tentacle rape on their suddenly androgynous synthesizer player. One might accuse them of pandering.

Alvan feat. Snoop Dog
This single features the song "Equally Naked" from Alvan's "Rappin With Whips and Gear" album. The video is phenomenal, especially when Snoop busts into da house to flip up lines such as "The girls must be hoes because with hoes you don't feel love for them" A throw back to the days when rap was just about bitches and weed, whereas it has now degraded to being about bitches and weed and bling.

Cousin Butt
Cousin Butt, the easy going yet awkward stoner rockers left over from the 90s, are still putting out fantastic music. Their mysterious front man who goes by the title “The Duke” hasn’t lost his ability to pen quirky half poems that will work well in the latest Wes Anderson film or what have you. Acceptable songs from their latest album include “Anxiety Erection” and the delightfully dorky “I Think I Found Narnia” which I’m told came to be when one of their members was shoved into an armoire and wrote the song while he waited to be let out.

Nanaporbes! At The Destro
Rumors that Nanaporbes! Was planning to drop their current guitarist in favor of a Mr. Bricken, may have some merit after all, as shown in these comments from their manager: “They already know who Rob Bricken is and they’re on my side as we speak.” No word yet as to whether they plan to drop the exclamation point from their name though. Regardless of changes in line up, they’ve already produced a fairly danceable album this year “Everyone Does It Sort Of” features the songs “Severed Heads Pass Out”, “Bring Me Four Tranq Rifles A Vial of Nerve Toxins and A Camera” and one that’s already become popular in the clubs titled “That’s Right, Donald, I’m A Bisexual” They’ve also pushed the limit of their song with a long name gimmick with “Even If You Had Nothing To Do With It I Don’t Care And The Mods Agree With Me”

No Way Hose
No Way Hose may not be touring again for some time. Rumor has it that lead singer David Garrett may have mutilated his genitals in his suite at the Mariott Hotel. Despite the fact that during our last interview all he did was leer at me in a creepy fashion and demand “How does it look?” I proceded to summarize his previous album, but was interrupted with “No, not the album. Your cunt.” Despite having to ask him to step out of my office, I still greatly enjoy the grunge themed music his band was creating until his tragic testicular accident. Notable songs from what might well be their last album include “Penetraculating” and “Wet Private Hole”

Buster The T
Buster The T continues his effort to kill rap in his latest release. The album features typical elaboration on the stereotypical rap lifestyle, and especially odes to Buster’s hos, such as “Root Her” and “You Mouth Is Tickling My Wee Wee”. Apparently the video shoot for Yo Mouth was called off when Buster got mixed up and found himself in a hot tub full of money, drinking diamonds, smoking a ho, and having sex with a bag of marijuana. He’s in stable condition and expected to be back on tour once he has his stomach pumped. The ho is also expected to recover once skin grafts are complete.

Greetings, Turkey-Stuffed Ingrates My Friends!


So, not too many of you folks showed up to watch MST3K's Night of the Blood Beast (Turkey Day Edition) with me last night...That's OK....I see how it is....


Alright, I was gonna drag that weak jest out for awhile, but fuck it--it ain't that funny and I'm not in the least mad. It's totally cool--I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I'm thankful for all my marvelous contributors and discerning readers. Mazel Tov!



Right, then, as I said yesterday, since Rob is taking a well-deserved Turkey Day hiatus, TTOS will be filling the Fanfic void, soon as Abraxas gets here...

I also just saw something definitely nerd-newsworthy on Yahoo, and since Mr. Bricken isn't there for me to send it to (and Colleen hasn't beaten me to it) I see it as my responsibility, as a proud member of the made-up, self-appointed Nerd Press to report it to the peoples:

Um..That thing that Colleen just said? That.


So my roommates are off Thanksgivinging with their family, and I'm here by my lonesome, watching the MythBusters Marathon(nerdiest of the many available marathons on cable today), and trying to come up with something to write so as to make relatively constructive use of my day.

(I also seem to be developing some weird variation of Dyslexia--I keep having to re-edit what I write and remove improperly placed spaces, and capitalize or uncapitalize letters. It's darned unsettling)

I was going to write a long overdue new entry in my long-running series: A FIELD GUIDE TO COMMON FANFIC AUTHORS. Folks seem to like that. But re-reading the fics that my new entry addresses was too depressing for what is ostensibly a holiday, so I thought I'd instead share with you peoples some music. I'll do the field guide tomorrow--it'll be a nice accent to Abraxas' planned nugget of FF joy.

That's right! The Destroyer himself will be filling the void left by Mr. Bricken's holiday break and bringing us a fic!


Ok, on with the show!

I pulled five of my favorite videos from my Youtube channel for to share with you (those that aren't DEVO, that is--they get their own articles, as you've seen). I'd be quite surprised if many of you were familiar with these songs or even have heard of these bands: That's ok, I'm used to it.

On the other hand, I am playing to an international community here--three of the bands I'll be featuring, though they never amounted to much stateside, were (and for all I know, still are) pretty well-known in England, and another had a respectable following in their native Ireland.


Understand, I'm not writing the bios of these groups here--rather, my intention is to share a bit of the soundtrack of my misspent youth(not that my adulthood is particularly well spent, but I digress)

This is the music I first got into at the age of 12. Now, unless teenagers have changed drastically in 20 years, High School and Junior High kids tend to form cliques around their shared musical tastes: The Metalheads over here, the Rap/Hip-Hop fans over there, The Pop/Top 40 crowd elsewhere, and so forth.

But the time period I'm concerned with (circa 1989-1990) was a transitional phase for Rock music: Punk and New Wave were all but dead as popular movements, and Alternative (which the music I love would eventually be lumped in with, justly or not) had yet to emerge. In between was a short lived movement known alternately as Post Modern or Post Punk, or simply Modern Rock. Often, such music would be described simply by citing where it was most commonly played and called "College Radio".

This was, and to a great extent still is, my music.

Now I don't mean to imply that back then this music didn't have a following, or that such fans were absent from my community. They were there, but I was a hundredfold shyer at this period in my life than I am now, and I never had the nerve to introduce myself to this crowd and share my music with those who could appreciate it. My own circle of friends were either Metalheads,  indifferent to music, or listened to whatever was popular.

I didn't meet people who really shared my musical tastes until after High School--and the few I knew during my school years were much older and outside of school.

I used to hate it when a friendly, well-meaning individual would ask me what I listen to--often I'd try to change the subject as I was so weary of the blank stares I'd get when listing my favorite bands. It got worse in the mid-90s: I could've simply told people I was into Alternative, but that meaningless umbrella term encompassed a great deal of music I found abhorrent--and I had no real interest in explaining how the music I liked was different.

What's the point of this rambling? Music has always been, for me, an intensely personal and solitary pursuit. I just wanted that understood before I presented my selections.

I wanted it known to all what these songs mean to me--They're not simply entertainment, they are dear old friends.

Come with me and meet them, after the jump...


(off-topic note: after several months with no reply from her site, I've decided to post THE CATHEDRAL OF YAYA. If asked to by her I'll certainly take it down, but seeing how I'm not making any kind of profit from posting her images, I really don't think she'd mind--somehow I doubt every site that's posted her pics has gotten her express permission. So feel free to visit and worship Divine Grace made Flesh)




We'll start with "For Love", by British Shoegazing outfit Lush ("Shoegazing" being a term for a short lived subgenre so-called for its extensive use of effects pedals, resulting in guitarists spending a lot of time looking down at their shoes) the only thing more gorgeous than the song are they who sing and perform it:

Hail, Friends!


Gather 'round and witness my latest attempt at a regular, weekly feature:



Not much to explain--I love MST3K. MSTies know that what we feel for this show is closer to religious ecstasy than simple fandom. So, every week I'm gonna share with my dear readers a bit of audio/visual joy brought to you by Joel Robinson, Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy, Cambot, and Magic Voice.

Oh, and I suppose Dr. Clayton Forrester, Dr. Larry Erhardt, TV's Frank, Pearl Forrester, Prof. Bobo, and Observer.


We start off with what may well be the most popular original song ever performed by the SOL crew--words cannot describe it...


But let's try!


Dearest Readers--I give you:

TOOBULAR BOOBULAR!



TOM: Say fellas, there sure is a lotta skin in this movie, i'n't there?



MIKE: There sure is!


CROW: Yet despite all the acres of flesh in this film, I just can't come up with a word that describes it.


TOM: Well I can!


MIKE: You can?


TOM: Why sure. [starts singing]


It's breastakaboobical, chestakamammical,
Pendular globular fun!


MIKE: Fleshical-orbital moundular-scoopular?


TOM: Right-o, that's the one!


CROW: Is it gluteal maximal, tushital-crackular
Bunular morning 'till night?


TOM: Well, you're absotiglandular, fanny-fantastical,
Mastokafleshular right!


ALL: It's an arealogical, autoerotical, toobular boobular joy,
An exposular-regional, batchical-pouchular fun for girl and boy.
A latissimal-dorsical, hung-like-a-horsical, calipyligical ball,


CROW: The most bunular-funular,

MIKE: Fruit-of-the-loomular,


CROW: Frenchical-tongular,


TOM: Wabitaboobular,


MIKE & CROW: [slowly while Tom sings next lines]
Movie of them all!


TOM: Pendular-funular, fruit-of-the-loomular,
Frenchical-tongular, wabitaboobular,
Chestaka-orbital, smorgastiboobular,
Tushita-ticular ball!

ALL: Hey!


[Gypsy enters]


GYPSY: Hey guys, how's the movie?


ALL: [singing again]

MIKE: Oh, man, we got movie sign!




Later, All!


I Am Scoot--I Take Care Of The Place While The Master Is Away...

Hello again, Spuds!


Krom willing, a few of you remember about a month or so back when I was kicked firmly in the ass by the news that the greatest band in the history of the universe, DEVO,  had released their first new album in 19 years this past June, and I'd been completely oblivious to this auspicious occasion.

As penance for my laxity, I wrote a long overdue article about my hallowed Spudboys, featuring inteviews and videos spanning their nearly four decades of history.

And today I learned that completely without my knowledge they'd done an appearance on one of the funniest shows currently airing, starring Comedy Central's most brilliant comedic mind since Joel Hodgson...



HOW THE FUCK DID I MISS THIS?!?!



I was putting together some material for a piece on Elvis Costello's recent visit to The Colbert Report.
As you may remember I'm a huge fan of Stephen Colbert, and both times Elvis Costello(who I'm also a longtime admirer of) has been a guest something remarkable occurred: We got to hear Stephen sing! But I'll save the details and video of that for tomorrow--I can't do it justice as a digression.

Anyhoo, while digging through the archives at Colbertnation.com, I discovered that indeed my favorite band had performed for and been inteviewed by my favorite satirical Right-Wing pundit!


Ever have that feeling where you're simultaneously miserable and elated?

Well, elated won (it usually does--positive emotions are stronger than negative), and I'm delighted to present to my dear, dear readers Stephen Colbert's interview with Mark Mothersbaugh and Gerald V. Casale of DEVO!

(sorry for the quality, or lack thereof--the embed code for the Colbertnation.com clip refuses to play nice with my blog, so I had to do it the old fashioned way. The beeping in the background is my cell, I was getting a text message while recording this. Also, yer gonna have to really crank this one. My roommate was asleep so I couldn't record at the volume I wanted)

Vids after the Jump:



We Are Scoot





I need to start a band. Today...Now...Just so I can name it "Intelligent Decline". I don't care if we ever play a note of music, I just want to be able to tell people the awesome name of my band.




Unfortunately, the clip of DEVO's performance which followed the interview was unavailable. In its place I've got a special treat: It's another song off the new album "Something For Everybody" called "No Place Like Home", and it is without a doubt the best fan-made music video I've ever seen.

Oddly enough, the individual who edited this inter-cut scenes from DEVO's past videos with footage of the very "fountain of filth" Mark and Jerry talk about in the interview. Weird coincidence...






Tune in tomorrow to hear Stephen sing!

Blah,



I'm the only person I know who gets post-holiday blues after Halloween.

Granted, it used to be a lot worse--the bigger my Halloween was, the deeper my depression.




This year was actually pretty cool--I half watched The Walking Dead, traded quips with dear Colleen as we watched The Screaming Skull on MST3K(via Youtube), and then stayed up until 3:30 AM getting to know Topless Roboteers RubyRoses and Boredlizzie(now TTOS regulars, Krom willing)while watching Class of Nuke 'Em High on G4. Say what you want about that channel--but anybody who shows Troma films on Halloween is ok by me!

So I'm moderately bummed.



Here's a little something for myself and anybody else mourning the end of All Hallows Eve, just a little good cheer:

It's a lesser-known tune by The Clash, and it always makes me feel better.




Until next time, my dear friends.


Scoot The Blue

So today the husband is going to his coworker & friend Mike's wedding. I have issues with JUST BREATHING right now so I'll be sitting it out. But here's a preview of what the husband will do at the reception...at the Groom's request...

Mellow Greetings,


Lemme set the scene:

You're about 9 or 10 years old, you're bored, and you're just kinda randomly digging through your toybox, or closet, or under your bed--wherever you stash your coolest stuff, and you come across something you haven't played with in a long time.

You look at it and wonder why it's been buried down here for so long, you remember how cool it is and how much you like it.

And then you remember that tomorrow's Show and Tell, and you haven't picked anything to bring. You feel so lucky that you found whatever this is, and you put it aside where you know you won't forget it so you can take it to school it in the morning.



This post is the digital equivalent of the preceding anecdote: I was rummaging through the stuff on my Youtube channel and found this, I saved it to one of my playlists long ago and proceeded to forget it existed.

It's got two of my favorite things in the world: Weird Al and Stephen Colbert, and it's chock full of nerdy goodness!

Enjoy.




Gangsta Scoot