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I did not know what I was missing, friends, and boy am I glad I relented and watched “Death Race 2000” with him last night. Because, while I was thinking of the most recent re-make, he was correctly thinking of the Roger Corman original from 1975.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, could’ve prepared me for Frankenstein. For those of us not in the know, Frankenstein is David Carradine in a gimp suit. With a cape. And a helmet with little metal bolts sticking out of it.

He drives The Monster, a car that looks like something a third grader probably designed to be mean and scary. In the film, Frankenstein is a racing legend, known for wearing a mask and suit to cover up his racing scars, and for having limbs replaced by expert surgeons. (He's also known for his kamikazie fangirls.)

I didn’t know whether to laugh furiously or hide behind the couch, Frankenstein looked so creepy. Then he took off his mask and looked even more terrifying. Because it’s David Carradine’s actual face. (To be fair, he is very young and only at the beginning of a long road towards achieving his later uber-jagged appearance.) Carradine is amazing in this movie. I don’t know if it’s the costume, rubber mask, or the deadpan “super-serious” voice he uses, but I do know that it’s entertainment gold. He even gets his own love interest! (And because this is the 70's, super-gratituous, I mean, gratuitous nudity!)

David Carradine dances with his sexy navigator while wearing his mask, one leather glove and a black Speedo. In an empty hotel room, without music. This scene goes on and on, and manages to be freaky, hilarious and weirdly adorable.

Why does Frankenstein wear one black leather glove? The answer to that question is the best line in the movie, and hell no I’m not spoiling it for you!

You can’t talk about “Death Race 2000” without mentioning Stallone. A very young Sly Stallone plays the role of Machine Gun Joe Viterbo with so much hammy hatred he’s practically Daffy Duck. Machine Gun Joe drives up in his car and starts firing a tommy gun into the audience, yelling furiously. Since this was before Stallone was a well-known name (outside of the odd adult film) I’d like to think this set the precedent for all other roles he’d be playing in his illustrious, incoherent film career.

The premise of the race? Beat your opponents and take out as many civilians as you can in the process. Each death earns you points, babies and old folks being the most valuable point-wise.

Which is why the cars are so awesomely awful.

There’s a car that looks like a bull with horns, a car made to resemble Nero’s chariot, and of course the Buzz Bomb. Next time someone pulls a dick move on the road I just may honk my horn and yell: “Blitzkrieg!”

Stallone’s car has no pretenses or cute themes, just a big fuck-off knife mounted to the hood. Seriously, it’s a giant knife. With which he chases down and gores a fisherman, to the most hilarious music I’ve ever heard.

Who needs anger management when you have Knife Car?

Here’s a trailer for the movie, and the voice-over man sure does make it sound like it’s the biography of The Stig from Top Gear.

When I was but a wee Lizzie, embroiled in that awkward, ugly and intense period of life known as puberty, I fell in love with comic books.

This was a very stupid, stupid thing for me to do.

My ill-advised love blossomed after reading Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud. I discovered that comics had all the ingredients I liked: fantasy, science fiction, bizarre adventures, crazy costumes, and super powers.

Except one thing was wrong, one thing was out of place:



The women.



What the hell was up with the women?

Angela, Lady Death, Vampirella and Marvel Swimsuit Edition? Really? But I could overlook these, as long as there was a cool character out there for me.

Sure, I discovered some great superhero teams (my love for the X-Men ran deep, and great was my glee when I discovered the delicious magical crack of Claremont’s “Excalibur”) but I wanted a solo lady whom I could hero-worship.

One of the books I remember picking up was “Silver Sable.” There’s a solo lady! She’s a mercenary, too; badass! A few pages into the comic she’s naked and having sex with some guy. Throughout the book she’s shown posing in lingerie for no reason. It’s like if a boy went looking for Batman, opened a comic, and there’s Bruce posing kittenishly in a thong. Why? Just, why?



Feeling embarrassed and kinda cheated, I put the book back. A lot of different comics with “lady heroes” were put back that day. Superhero teams seemed to work better for me. I followed “Generation X” with gusto until the art started to royally suck and the entire Marvel universe got retconned. (Bite my jiggly ass, “Generation NeXt.”)

After a while, I gave up my search.

Ten comic-less years later I’m all grown up and stuff. A Comics Renaissance happens after someone lends me Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. Maybe not all comics will break my heart?

One summer, while walking down a sunlit block of shops, I notice a store with a shelf of used books in front. A big graphic novel stands out from the rest. I pick it up, begin to read, and there she is. My hero. The gal of my dreams; the one I’d been looking so hard for all those years ago and never found.



Halo Jones.

The Ballad of Halo Jones is a science fiction epic. The story is quality, and the main character just happens to be a lady. She has no special powers and doesn’t constantly thrust out her hips and chest. Alan Moore wanted a normal-looking character “as you might find standing in front of you while queuing for the check-out at Tesco’s.” I was a little surprised that Moore had created my hero, as I usually don’t think much of his women characters.

But then, here’s Halo. She lives on the Hoop, the outer rim of scum and villainy floating around future Manhattan. When her loved ones are killed, Halo leaves Earth to work as a hostess on a luxury spaceship, becomes unwittingly involved in shady political doings, and eventually ends up a soldier in a brutal interplanetary war.

An important part of this story is how Halo finds her freedom by walking away from the romantic interest. Countless women are defined by their relationships with men, in comics and all other media. The woman sacrifices everything for her man because life is worthless without Mr. True Love Dude. (Not naming any specific sparkling Byronesque guys here.) Many little girls grow up thinking that "true love" will the most important part of their lives, so hold on to that man, even if it's miserable, even if he leaves bruises every so often. We need more gals like Halo who are not afraid to walk away from romance to preserve personal integrity.



The Ballad of Halo Jones isn’t perfect, to be fair. It plunges the reader into a strange world without context, so you have to be a bit patient with the characters and their future-slang until further along when some world details are explained. The art looks a bit dated now, very late-80’s-early-90’s, but this actually appeals to me.

On the back of the graphic novel there’s a quote that describes Halo Jones as “Possibly the first feminist heroine in comics.” I think what it means to say is, “Here is an epic story with a woman protagonist in comics, at last. Sorry it took so long!”

So who's your hero, comic book or otherwise? How did you finder her, or him?

And on a sillier note, how awesome is Kate Beaton's "Sexy Batman?"

Ever fall in love with something you've discovered online? Not just any old thing, but something that couldn't exist properly without the Internet? Such as, oh, say, a webcomic.

Is there a webcomic out there you enjoy?

Then you may understand a fraction of the love that I feel now for Romantically Apocalyptic.

Granted, I only just discovered it today via Comics Alliance, but I know that not all y'all read comics or go to such sites, and you must know about this webcomic. PEOPLE MUST BE TOLD.

Why?

Well, it looks like this:





(Elements of Fallout and Dune? Well, elements of Fuck and YES!)

The gentleman in the gas mask is Zee Captain, who lives in a dreary post-apocalyptic landscape infested with mutants, giant worms, and lemonade-worshipping cult members. He has a companion/sidekick, also in a gas mask, whom he torments but is really super-duper buddies with. I don't want to say too much lest I spoil things, but the comic is as hilarious as the landscape is beautifully dark and bleak. I love the splashes of vibrant reds, yellows and greens here and there. SIGH. IT IS LOVE. <3

This drool-worthy art and story comes to us via Vitaly S. Alexius, digital artist, designer, and illustrator extraordinaire. (That's right, I'm busting out the French for this one. Because he's worth it.)

Honestly, the only bad thing about it is that it has a pronoun in its title. And I'll forgive it that as long as it keeps being amazing.

Zee Captain's Facebook (for funsies)

Now that I have gushed, maybe I can sleep! Ha ha. I say funny thing.

Us Superfriends know that science fiction, fantasy, and horror have the best and weirdest villains. When you are dealing with a strange, futuristic, or supernatural setting, a normal mustache twirling bad guy just doesn’t cut it. How do you make a villain extra super duper creepy? Hollywood ’s answer: Make `em sexual deviants! Or at least give her/him creepy, sexualized behavior and a leather outfit to match.

These villains usually come equipped with a collection of torture instruments that would make the Spanish Inquisition jealous. Some of them are creepy sexy, some simply disgusting. You're never quite sure if they want under your skin or into your pants. These Disturbingly Kinky Villains love to dish out pain and, sometimes, take it with perverted glee. Underground dungeons are a must, unless one dwells on a spaceship, alternate hell dimension, or is a powerful tyrant with carte blanche to do as s/he pleases. Whoever these villains are, whatever their motivation, “Safe, sane, and consensual” is not in their vocabulary.

9. Drusilla & Spike, “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”

Psychopaths Prefer Blondes

Talk about a match made in crazy sadist heaven! These two definitely get off on playing with their food and tormenting their victims. They have a bizarre, dysfunctional relationship that you can bet is kinky as hell. At one point Spike vows to torture Drusilla until she loves him again. Dru brings out the worst in Spike, and we love to watch that happen.

Spike is her “bad dog.” Heel, boy!

8. Voldo, “Soul Caliber” Series

Long before FFF, Voldo was a creepy bastard. While not strictly a villain, it is obvious that this guy was designed to evoke disturbing feelings. Blind and speechless, Voldo contorts and cuts people up, all while rocking a fancy thong/codpiece combo. There is a move in which he leaps through the air, wraps his legs around you, hisses in your face, and stabs you. He’s basically a gimp who can fight, move like liquid and bend his body into circles and knots. The real question is: what time does he get off work?

Voldo: "Hiss hiss ssshh shhssssh hiss!"

Translation:"Didn't wanna be a tough guy. I wanted to be a dancer!"

What's that? You say you want a link to 2 Voldos dancing in rhythm to music, and all the insanity that that implies? No?? TOO BAD HERE IT IS! Sleep tight, kids!

7. Sharaz Jek, "Doctor Who"

"The Caves of Androzani"

(starring the awesome Peter Davison as the 5th Doctor)

"Who the fuck IS this guy??"

Old “Doctor Who” episodes never cease to amaze me. Sharaz Jek has the whole “Phantom of the Opera” angst going for him as a disfigured genius living in isolation. Well, there are his robot minions, but it is obvious when he kidnaps the Doctor and Peri that he has been starved for human contact. Peri is “So beautiful, sooo beautiful!” ::drool, hiss, drool, grope:: He wears a black and white leather mask, and apparently thought it best to coordinate with a very tight black leather suit. (Doesn’t hurt that he was played by Christopher Gable, who had a great dancer's physique.) Despite his lecherous behavior, I defy you not to feel a little sympathy for his character at the very end.

Sharaz Jek is a creeping, creepy creeper who creepily creeps.

6. Illyria, “Angel”

You should see her with the tentacles . . .

Superfriend Colleen brought to my attention this leather sporting, resurrected elder god. One of her favorite pastimes is beating up Spike, and she would like to keep him as a pet. (Honestly, folks, who here wouldn’t?) Training Spike, er, training with Spike, is an activity that helps take the edge off Illyria’s need for violence. Bonus Disturbing Points for walking around in the skin of Wesley’s loved one, Fred, tormenting him and exploiting his desire to be with her. (Poor Fred!)

The Training of "S"

5. Count Rugen The Six Fingered Man, “The Princess Bride”

Ever the coward, Rugen hides his perversion under the veneer of studying pain "for posterity." Uh huh. You can’t fool us with your academic pretenses and stoic demeanor, Count Rugen. We all know you torture Wesley because you like it. It makes you happy. In your pants.

Typical Saturday Night for Count Rugen: Carefully studying & torturing blond, shirtless, well-muscled men.

4. Scorpius, “Farscape”

Scorpius achieves extra kinky mileage by use of the "chin thong."

Ooh, boy. Where do we start with Scorpius? The fact that his “coolant suit” happens to perfectly resemble something you’d see at the Folsom Street Leather Fair in San Francisco? That he forcefully, ecstatically shoves cooling rods into his head to stave off delirium? His memory extracting mind fuck chair? Or that we’ve seen him practically have a bondage picnic with his romantic interest, Sikozu? Of course there's much more than that to Scorpius; he's a complex, calculating villain. Who just happens to be freaky deaky in a big way.

That's right, Scorpius wants to watch. In fact, he could be watching you . . . right now . . .

3. Adelei Niska, “Firefly”

"The Train Job"

"War Stories"

"And for my next project I will sew Mal, Jayne, and Simon together to create a 'Human Firefly!' What? It's not sick, Shan Yu wrote all about it, you ignorant Philistine!"

What can one say about Niska but “Brrrrrr!” Joss Whedon certainly loves sadistic bastards with a tendency to wax philosophical. (Remember Erly? Just what was UP with that guy?) Like our pal Count Rugen, Niska has a supposed intellectual interest in torture, but it’s apparent that causing pain and suffering gives Niska pleasure in the depths of his very soul. The scenes with Niska are the most brutal of the series, up until the movie “Serenity,” that is.

“You died, Mr. Reynolds . . . When you die, I can't hurt you any more. And I want two days at least, minimum."

2. Baron Harkonnen, Dune

Baron Harkonnen: proof that some gingers do not, in fact, have souls.

Vladimir Harkonnen has quite the mélange of nasty habits. ::ducks tomatoes:: Gleeful torture and murder of prisoners? Check. Sadistic treatment of young (too young!) male slaves? Check. Necrophilia? Doubleplusnasty check! This guy’s idea of a good time is to watch while his nephew murders sex slaves. Thank Muad’Dib that Alia was there with her Gom Jabbar to pop him like a balloon full of rancid pork in the end. I just read that the Baron’s corpulence is the result of an STD as well. Dude, could you get anymore disgusting?

1. Pinhead & His Cenobites

“Hellraiser” and Many Unfortunate Sequels

"Sooo . . . heard you guys summoned some hell demons, eh? Who's up for torture?!"

It’s hard to pick just one to top this list, but few have achieved such iconic kinky status as Pinhead. The black leather, bits of exposed flesh, and lovingly displayed mortal wounds make Pinhead and his crew stand out from other villains. Sure, they’re as evil and murderous as all the others . . . but they just enjoy it so damn much! In fact, they have no other motivation: torture is their goal, not a means to any other end.They don't want information, more power, or to rule the world. They just want to do stuff to you. All kinds of stuff with hooks and chains. “No tears, please! It’s a waste of good suffering!”

Still not convinced? Watch the video below.

It's the wallet that says: "Black Pope of Hell" on it!

There were a lot of characters I considered for this list but didn’t make it because their identities as villains are too defined by their, well, rapey fictional deeds: Mr. Gone, Yellow Bastard, Pyramid Head, Deathstroke the Terminator, Typhoid Mary, and many more. Any kinky bastards you can think of that I left off? Put `em in the comments, but please keep `em on a short leash.

The safeword is “Abraxas!”