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This is a movie that the boyfriend has been trying to get me to see for a while now. He’d say, “Death Race?” and I’d be like, “Isn’t that some lame action flick?” And then the subject would be dropped.
I did not know what I was missing, friends, and boy am I glad I relented and watched “Death Race 2000” with him last night. Because, while I was thinking of the most recent re-make, he was correctly thinking of the Roger Corman original from 1975.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, could’ve prepared me for Frankenstein. For those of us not in the know, Frankenstein is David Carradine in a gimp suit. With a cape. And a helmet with little metal bolts sticking out of it.
He drives The Monster, a car that looks like something a third grader probably designed to be mean and scary. In the film, Frankenstein is a racing legend, known for wearing a mask and suit to cover up his racing scars, and for having limbs replaced by expert surgeons. (He's also known for his kamikazie fangirls.)
I didn’t know whether to laugh furiously or hide behind the couch, Frankenstein looked so creepy. Then he took off his mask and looked even more terrifying. Because it’s David Carradine’s actual face. (To be fair, he is very young and only at the beginning of a long road towards achieving his later uber-jagged appearance.) Carradine is amazing in this movie. I don’t know if it’s the costume, rubber mask, or the deadpan “super-serious” voice he uses, but I do know that it’s entertainment gold. He even gets his own love interest! (And because this is the 70's, super-gratituous, I mean, gratuitous nudity!)
David Carradine dances with his sexy navigator while wearing his mask, one leather glove and a black Speedo. In an empty hotel room, without music. This scene goes on and on, and manages to be freaky, hilarious and weirdly adorable.
Why does Frankenstein wear one black leather glove? The answer to that question is the best line in the movie, and hell no I’m not spoiling it for you!
You can’t talk about “Death Race 2000” without mentioning Stallone. A very young Sly Stallone plays the role of Machine Gun Joe Viterbo with so much hammy hatred he’s practically Daffy Duck. Machine Gun Joe drives up in his car and starts firing a tommy gun into the audience, yelling furiously. Since this was before Stallone was a well-known name (outside of the odd adult film) I’d like to think this set the precedent for all other roles he’d be playing in his illustrious, incoherent film career.
The premise of the race? Beat your opponents and take out as many civilians as you can in the process. Each death earns you points, babies and old folks being the most valuable point-wise.
Which is why the cars are so awesomely awful.
There’s a car that looks like a bull with horns, a car made to resemble Nero’s chariot, and of course the Buzz Bomb. Next time someone pulls a dick move on the road I just may honk my horn and yell: “Blitzkrieg!”
Stallone’s car has no pretenses or cute themes, just a big fuck-off knife mounted to the hood. Seriously, it’s a giant knife. With which he chases down and gores a fisherman, to the most hilarious music I’ve ever heard.
Who needs anger management when you have Knife Car?
Here’s a trailer for the movie, and the voice-over man sure does make it sound like it’s the biography of The Stig from Top Gear.
