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What up!


I guess you noticed the new masthead--that's a VW E-Scooter, and I want one desperately...Unfortunately, they're only planning on selling them in China.

When I decided I needed a new masthead pic, something a little smaller and more subtle, I simply typed "Scoot" into a Google Images search--and picked my favorite pic. But I'm not sold on the E-Scooter as the unofficial symbol of TTOS: That's where you peoples come in!

Send me your ideas for our new masthead, just put the URL of your favorite pic or pics in the comments--links don't work, but I can copy/paste. Anything non-pornographic will be duly considered.


Oh, and as you may have noticed from the new sidebar gadget, I is on Facebook now!

I swore I wouldn'tfor a long time, but I need to network if I ever expect to have a real writing career. Ran into a LOT of old, old friends (like new TTOS contributor Debbie Mnemonic). Most notably, I found practically every member of my old RHPS cast, and a lovely picture to share with you folks:


Look near the top of the picture, go to nearly dead center...See the floating head hiding in there right between the pretty blonde girl (Ginger) and the dude with the black eye? (Tony) That head, and it's inexplicable thousand-yard stare, belongs to approximately16 year old me. Why I'm staring like that I have no idea, but given the time in my life this was taken, and the location it was taken at, there's a signifigant chance I was stoned out of my gourd.

Here's a closer look, in case anyone's having trouble picking me out:



Anyway, that's Mundelein, Illinois' Completely Crazy Cast: Some of the best friends a whackjob like me could ever have, and fellow travelers on what was the greatest adventure of my life.

Love you guys!



Jimmy The Pod

Video Games


Nothing like a good Waterworld reference to start things off!


Hello, My Brethren and Sisteren!

Get ready, 'cause this sumbitch is gonna be a doozy!

It all began on May 3rd, when this article from FilmDrunk drew the ire of an entire Pantheon's worth of Geek Goddesses and their loyal followers on Twitter--myself included. Give it a read...I'll wait....


Later, things got even worse when this article not only continued the assault on female Nerddom, but specifically, and violently, targeted Miss Jill Pantozzi: one of the Internet community's most acclaimed Geek Girls. I have never had the pleasure of meeting Miss Pantozzi, online or IRL, but she's a marvelous writer and a fellow Topless Robot contributor, and seems like an awesome person. Specifically, she came under fire for the title of her personal blog: Has Boobs, Reads Comics. Apparently, the writer of the article in question did not see the irony in the name.

So I decided I needed to put my Crom-given powers of blogification to good use and weigh in on the growing Geek Girl controversy.


There was just one problem--I'm a dude!

See, I wholeheartedly support the cause of female nerdery, but, in the interest of honest journalism, I must admit that my support is largely the result of enlightened self-interest: I want Geek Girls to be open, accepted, and prolific because it increases my chances of finding a mate. I want a girlfriend/wife who shares my interests, and that's much easier when female nerds feel they can be up front about their enthusiasms. I'm not saying that I'm entirely selfish: I'm very supportive of nerds of either gender being able to fly their Geek Flags without fear of judgement--but fact is, my gender and its implications render me unqualified to speak objectively on this topic.

FORTUNATELY...

The Internet Gods (Goddesses?) have blessed me with a number of good friends, readers, and contributors who are the biggest, most hard-core Geeks this side of the SDCC....AND, just happen to be lovely, intelligent, interesting women. So I turned on the Scoot Signal, and called as many of them as I could to the cause. They'll be supplying the actual meat of this article: The interesting, insightful, and enlightening anecdotes that I lack the personal experience to provide.

But before you hit the jump and get to know my charming friends and colleagues, I'd like to share a little something that'll help explain why I don't feel qualified to speak intelligently on this subject:

See, just like the authors of the two articles I linked above, I too have at times doubted the veracity of the Geekiness of very attractive women. It shames me to admit this. In addition, it's become painfully apparent that a number of starlets and models have indeed misappropriated aspects of Geek culture in order to make themselves more appealing to our growing demographic.

Check out Exhibit A:



Yep, that's Megan Fox, and next to Olivia Munn (who I think is hilarious on The Daily Show, but I digress), no other female celebrity is more constantly accused of false Geekhood. Now, I do not know one way or the other concerning the accuracy of her claims...But I just get a vibe of fakeness from her--there just seems to be something contrived about her whole image. I'm not accusing Ms. Fox of any specific duplicity, but unfortunately, she happens to serve well as an example of idealized and fetishized female nerdery.

Which leads us to Exhibit B:


I saw this pic while searching for images for this article, and my first thought was to include it as a perfect example of unrealistic, posed, glamorized, and fully, utterly insincere female Nerddom.



WRONG!!


That's Michele Boyd, Clare Grant, Milynn Sarley, and Rileah Vanderbilt--better known as Team Unicorn, and they're bigger goddamn Geeks than I could ever hope to be! I'd like to go into more detail about these magnificently nerdy women, but they deserve their own article, which I'll deliver later this week (probably).
For now, this interview at Action Flick Chick should tide you over.

Point is, I have no place berating others for making superficial judgements about Geek Girls when apparently I'm as prone to do so as those I decry. So, instead I'll let the women speak for themselves. After the jump.




I thought I'd start things off with a familiar face (and yes, I'll be writing in italics to distinguish my words from those of my contributors):


For the benefit of newcomers, this is Colleen Seelke: TTOS Den Mother, my very first contributor, and Second-In-Command. Should anything unthinkably horrible happen to me (Read: I lose Internet access) my Kingdom shall be hers.

Enjoy her thoughts on Star Wars, and growing up Geeky:

Star Wars is TOTALLY a valid nerd love. I get that non nerds can see the film and like it. But then there are people like me. For instance, I know the Death Star Run scene SO WELL, I know the dialogue that is being said based on the music played ALONE...I once recited the dialogue while stuck in traffic while listening to the music. The Husband is witness to this. In addition, I once pissed off a male nerd when I beat him at Star Wars Trivial Pursuit...twice... It's actually the first win that is epic. I went to a picnic with my best friend Jen...by the time I got there, the game was well under way. The "Undefeated Champion" of the game had 4 pie pieces already. I took over for a girl who had none. I won within a half hour. He was utterly shocked and demanded another game with just me. His exact words "No fucking way a girl beats me at this game." So I beat him again.


Sometimes girls, like guys, are late bloomers. They may have been skinny and awkward growing up...and were part of the "nerd/geek" group. Then they got hot. That doesn't change them loving nerdy stuff. Or they have a parent who absolutely loves a certain genre. This parent worked a lot. The one time the child had the parent all to his/herself was on Sunday Afternoon's watching Star Trek...Oh wait, that was me. For both points. My dad worked for the telephone company throughout my childhood. In order to give us a good home, food, a college fund, and you know presents and fun stuff, he worked an insane amount of overtime. Whenever he was home, though, he spent time with my brother and me. But one of the few times I got him to myself was when he was watching Star Trek. My brother had no interest in it. Initially, neither did I...you know, being only six years old. But he was so excited that I was showing an interest so I kept watching it...and thus my nerdhood was born...well that and the fact that I was pretty much weaned on Star Wars. Growing up, I was skinny, too tall, freckled, and rather plain. My hotness didn't really appear until high school...and by then, I was already labelled both nerd and scifi geek, so I didn't even KNOW I was hot until I went to college and boys finally began hitting on me.

Next we have longtime TTOS reader and fellow TR Contributor, Bri Buckley.

I'm very proud to have helped Bri get her start with Topless Robot. I got to read and critique her very first Daily List before even Rob Bricken saw it. It means a great deal to me that someone considered my judgement to be of such import, and I thank her with all my heart for that. Since then, she's done a number of truly unique and entertaining pieces for TR. Here, Bri expounds on her definition of "Nerd",the reactions she's received from male Geeks, and self-imposed divisions among the subculture.

I'm proud to call myself a nerd. I feel that my nerdy interests are just as legitimate as any other person's. I think it's possible to be nerdy about anything you feel passionately about - nerdiness is based on love and knowledge, not necessarily on the subject matter itself. I've had to deal with the same crap from non-nerdy friends and family members that you probably have. My mother's asked me when I'm going to "grow out of this" ("this" meaning my nerdiness). Answer: NEVER!


And yet I've had male nerds test my knowledge of my interests, as though they're trying to evaluate whether or not I deserve to call myself a nerd - not in a "What was your favorite part?" or "What do you think about this?" sort of way, but in a "You can't name the 2nd Assistant Director of this movie we both like? You obviously don't like it at all, then!" way. I'm not sure why this is. Why wouldn't all nerds everywhere just be happy to connect with people that have similar interests? After all, being a nerdy is sometimes pretty lonely. Why would you want to discourage such a connection because "she's not nerdy enough, based on my individual and arbitrarily-defined criteria"?

Case in point: the article at filmdrunk is titled: "Hot Women Pandering to Nerds".

Here are the assumptions made in the title:

1. All nerds are male

2. If there are any female nerds, they're not "hot"

3. If there is a "hot" woman claiming nerdy interests, she's pandering (i.e., her interests are not legitimate)

I know that there's a perception out there right now that geek is "in", and therefore there are a lot of people jumping on the geek bandwagon in order to claim some of that popularity. But it seems as though people are even more skeptical of women admitting their nerdy interests than they are of men doing the same thing. I don't think this is because all male nerds are inherently sexist, but that it's more of a protective "I've put a lot of time and love into this interest, and I don't want you to ruin it by pretending you love it as much as I do" thing.

If there are two main points I'd like to get across to my nerdy brethren, it would be these:

1. Learn to share. Allowing someone else to like the same things that you do doesn't diminish your own nerdiness in any way.

2. Expand your definitions. Let the words "nerd" or "geek" mean a person with a high level of interest in something - not just a man or a woman. If you fall into the trap of having extremely rigid categories that you absolutely must fit people into, you miss out on the people that don't fit into those categories. And that's a shame.

This next contributor I've only recently begun to get to know, so I'm sorry not to have more to share about her:
 
Meet Miss Debra Shelly. She's another longtime TTOS reader. I only started to get to know her when she answered my request for contributors to this piece, so as I said, there's not a lot I can say except that she's an awesome person, and I'm honored to have her as part of my audience (plus, she's a fellow Dune-Fanatic, meaning it's all I can do to stop myself from tracking her down and proposing ;) ) Miss Shelly was kind enough to share with me her experiences growing up as a nerd and the pride she takes in her Geek Girlhood (Btw: for my money, Children of Dune is the best book in the series):
 
The phenomenon of the "Geek Girl" is not news to any of us girls who have always loved all things genre. Some of us dig "Star Trek". Others love "Dune" - I know I certainly do. In fact, I have gotten into arguments over whether "Dune Messiah" is, in fact, the best of the Dune Sequels (my vote goes to "God Emperor of Dune" - yay Hwi Noree!) I read comics by the pileful, but I do NOT play videogames. Why? Because the last time I played a videogame, namely Batman: The Brave and The Bold, I got stuck playing Robin and got turned into a cat while my boyfriend was merrily off kicking ass and busting out the "Hammers of Justice"....rrrr. I heart "Star Wars", despite the best efforts of George Lucas to alienate us all. Other Geek Girls I know play RPGs, online game, and engage in cosplay at conventions. Heck, I even know a Geek Girl who owns her very own comics and gaming store that got nominated for the 2010 Eisner "Spirit of Comics" Award for outstanding comics retailer. She was a finalist, which is so cool and awesome I can hardly believe it.


But to my main point: I am a Geek Girl because I always have been. It was never a conscious decision, or a path I sought out. Nope. I have always been drawn to nerdy awesomeness. I got a lot of crap for being a Lone Fangirl growing up. I was teased relentlessly in grade school and junior high. Going to my local comic shop in my hometown was torture. But I didn't care. I wanted those comics. And here I am, quite some time later, in my thirties, and I have found my Geek Tribe. My partner is a comic expert and a show-runner at FanExpo Canada, where I have volunteered. I recently volunteered at Kazoo!, a local indie zine/comic fest. TCAF (the Toronto Comic Arts Festival) is coming up this weekend, and promises to be a great time. I have met so many amazing people through the Toronto Cartoonists Workshop. I have a Darwyn Cooke Batman and an Agnes Garbowska Dex-Starr hanging in my apartment. My boyfriend brought me a Katie Cook original for my birthday. I love my Geek Girl life, and if you want to come and join the Geek Tribe, there's plenty of room next to me. I'm the one with the Dex-Starr decal on my fridge. I wear a Flash T-shirt to go running at the gym, 'cause I'm a fast girl. Maybe you know me, or someone like me. I insist upon my right to revel in my own fangirl geekery. Life's too goddamn short to waste.

And finally, we have something very interesting:

This is Liz Coleman. And I've not yet had the pleasure of meeting or speaking with her. In a most serendipitous move, TTOS' new Chief Australian Correspondent: Vadim Stoger-Ruitz (I know--odd names them Aussies have! ;) ) just happened to be planning to post an interview with this charming, game-crazy young lady whom he recently met on Facebook and shares his affection for SNES. I convinced Mr. Stoger-Ruitz to send me said interview and allow me to include it in this piece. Btw, the sections marked "Tao of Scoot" are the words of Mr. Stoger-Ruitz:

Tao of Scoot: How did your social groups as you got older respond to your love of gaming, or was it something that wasn't mentioned?

Liz Coleman: Gaming most definitely affected my social development, but I would argue in a good way. It wasn't hugely mentioned because instead of talking to people at school about whatever stupid crap people at school talked about, I would kind of hermit off and think about what I was going to do in Wutai when I got home.. The reason I say this is a good thing is because I'm naturally a follower, and would have followed whatever group I fell in into whatever walk of life they followed, which where I grew up, would have been very bad. Instead I had games, stories, worlds of my own to grow with.. I learned how to like my own things, how to use my imagination and understand that there was a whole lot to experience out there. Otherwise I reckon I would have just sat around doing not much. People seem to think that gaming is superficial, but as a kid, gaming saved me from a life full of superficial nothing..But to answer your question, my social groups didn't really recognize it, I didn't even think of it as something to talk about. It was mine.
Until the online community became my social group, which of course is an entirely different thing..

Tao of Scoot: The market of female gamers has been growing for some time recently, but in the days of the SNES, when a developer wanted to try and make a game for girls, they would invariably use bright colours, and unicorns and ponies, and basically whatever a 30-year old man thought girls wanted. Did any of those types of games appeal in any way, or was it somewhat offensive to you that they thought it was what you wanted?

Liz Coleman: I really think I was too young to recognize such things, but I certainly don't recall being attracted in any way to anything girly. I hated Princess Peach, my God she was (is?) useless. I don't even remember seeing any games like that on SNES, although of course I know now they exist. I was very much attracted to good gameplay.. It doesn't really offend, even now, when that is done; marketing is marketing, and it does work, but that kind of marketing just does not work for me as a gamer. Being surrounded by
girliness is not what I was looking for, in fact I'd say I'd already rejected all of that in favour of what I was doing, which was playing kick-ass games..That kind of marketing is designed to make non-gamers play games. That does not count as gaming..I do remember being somewhat excited that Lara Croft was female, I was a bit sick of having to imagine myself as a dude all the time. I didn't realize she was marketed to men, but
it was irrelevant to me..Characters like Tifa and Aerith were also pretty awesome for me to relate to.

Tao of Scoot: Have you had to face any crudeness or sexism online?.

Liz Coleman: Yes, lots of times. I remember realizing in Age of Empires that I was the only chick around really, which surprised me. That was the first time I realized I was a minority in gaming..Of course I copped a lot of "OMG GIRLS DONT PLAY GAMES" and "PICS!", but I was also fast becoming very aware of Internet Culture, so for the most part I either laughed or shrugged it off..In Call of Duty, someone from my clan accidentally called me "she" in a pub server, and that was it. I copped so much shit in chat, which I didn't mind, but every time I did something stupid I got told to "fuck off, girls can't play games"..It was frustrating that I was just as good (better?) than a lot of these people, but I couldn't make any mistakes or miss a shot or I'd be crucified..WoW was different, people weren't surprised that there was a chick around, because by
now there were lots of us. That was nice. You still missed out on a lot of boys-club type stuff, like assuming I didn't want to come and raid an alliance town with everyone else, but it was nothing like in CoD..I think I avoided a lot of it by not mentioning my gender if I could help it. I didn't see a need to, nobody else did, so I'd say 99% of the people I've played with assumed I was a guy. Which suited me fine..I think the worst
was when Ventrillo and TeamSpeak became a necessity in online gaming. I did cop a fair bit of shit on there, especially in public ones, but within my guild/clan it was fine, it was like banter. If you take offense, you will be eaten alive. If you get in on the joke, you can actually have a lot of fun..



Vadim made me promise to add this footnote to the interview, I don't know if they're his words or Ms. Coleman's though. Regardless, it's food for thought.

"Liz met her husband playing Age of Empires, so guys, if you're cool to your female co-players, you could end up with a great girl. In short, don't be a douche to the ladies online. When you are, you're only proving to yourself and the world at large that you're to be avoided like a herpes infested bomb made of Atari's E.T cartridges."


I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed compiling and writing it. To the other Geek Girls out there: Stay strong--as you can see, you're not alone. Also, feel free to share your own experiences and thoughts in the comments section. If I get enough, perhaps I might compose a sequel.

I leave you with a marvelous quote from Charles Piner I found on Twitter--words of wisdom that would be of value to us all, regardless of gender:

"I'm a geek who has learned that being a geek or nerd isn't about proving yourself, it's just about being yourself."

If someone were to ask me to sum up what I hope to convey with this article into a single sentence, this would be it. Thank you, Mr. Piner.

(Oh, and if anyone is wondering why I didn't end on a quote from an actual Geek Girl, be aware that I only know this quote because it was Re-Tweeted by Bonnie Burton, Geek High Priestess and author of the Star Wars Craft Book. )


James Paul Daniels, AKA: Scooter Atreides (no name-based jokes today: I'm proud of this one)

Video Games

'ello


Once again I show off my questionable skills at the dubious art of "Divolution", that is, making WWE Divas on the PS3 for the game Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 (and now, 2011) out of my friends and readers.

Todays victim: TTOS contributor Boredlizzie! Let's take a quick look at "un-Divolved" Lizzie for reference:


Adorable, yes? AND a fellow Topless Robot t-shirt winner, which means this lovely photo shall be enshrined for all time in the TTOS "We Are The Champions" gallery (just check the page list on the left sidebar)


So, now that we've all met Lizzie, join me after the jump, and get to know her ass-kicking, name-taking doppleganger.




Mr. Atreides


We start with my attempt at a Steampunk ensemble. Unfortunately, what I ended up with using the clothing and accessory options available more closely resembles a biker or a rather funky airplane pilot. This is the Entrance Attire:







And this is the Ring Attire:












Next, Lizzie wanted me to take a stab at the DC Comics heroine Zatanna...While I couldn't be exact, I think I did a fair job capturing the basic "sexy magician" look. (the glasses were my idea, btw)

ENTRANCE:








RING:








Next we have an ensemble of my own design. I call it simply: "Fallen". The concept is what would you have if an Angel was being corrupted into a Demon--but somehow stopped halfway there? As far as original costumes go, this is one of my favorites.

Also: Black halos are cool!


















And for the grand finale: Lizzie asked me to attempt to style her Diva in the manner of the magnificent Dr. Harleen Quinzel...That's right--Harley Quinn!

Fortunately, the version of Harley she requested was the one from the Arkham Asylum video game--I couldn't have done a thing with the traditional Jester's outfit ensemble.

Anyway, I thought she came out ok--Unfortunately, the game wouldn't allow me to make her boots red and blue. I had to pick one.

Video Games




Now that I've got your attention. :P



Hello Friends!


So it's like this:

As most of you undoubtedly know, Dr. Who returned triumphantly to American and British Television this weekend.

I didn't see it.

I keep planning on getting back into the show, but keep missing the chance...I'll just have to try harder--for the sake of my "Nerd Cred" (ahem) XD

Anyway, this reminded me of an old article on time travel in movies and TV I wrote back when I had no audience to speak of. I think it's one of my best articles, and it was among the writing samples I sent Rob Bricken back when doing lists for Topless Robot was just a crazy dream. :)

So I've restored it for all my loyal Taoists to enjoy.

Jump into Hyperspace and take a look!

(PS--On the off-chance there are readers who don't know, that was Karen Gillan up there. She's The Doctor's latest female companion....And I'm not worthy to have her Angelic form on my inferior little blog. Oh, I'm not taking down the pic--just recognizing I'm not worthy to post it is all)

Timescoot



An auspicious event occurred today: I finally saw Back To The Future 3.



I know, I know. I can already hear a chorus of "so what" ringing across cyberspace. Why is this occasion even remotely blogworthy? Two reasons: 1. This was one of those movies that while I was vaguely interested in finally seeing, I was never so interested as to actually rent, buy, or borrow it. So it was a matter of waiting for the proper confluence of events(an airing on TV, nothing else on, nothing better to do).


Well, I think it's a good reason.


And, much more importantly, 2. It reminded me of how difficult it is for people like me (obsessive, nitpicky geeks) to enjoy time travel movies.


In such cases, my evil alter-ego, "Buzzkill McSmartass" , rears his ugly head (this is especially problematic when I'm not alone--I've had friends refuse to watch movies with me). Now, I can usually tune him out enough to enjoy good performances, or funny jokes, or the like--but he doesn't go away, he just starts plying me with questions as soon as the film's over. There's nothing on earth Buzzkill McSmartass loves more than ripping a time travel flick to bloody shreds, and since I've also recently seen the high-concept, low comedy train wreck that is Hot Tub Time Machine(that's a little cruel, it's certainly funny if you don't mind turning off your brain), ol' Buzz has had his knives out for the genre.


So, to placate him, and perhaps share a measure of Geek Wisdom with my beloved readers, I present The 5 Things Every Movie Time Traveler Should Know.



1. YOU'RE ALREADY SCREWED!

In your average time travel film, there will inevitably be a character who has a hissy fit about making sure the timeline isn't altered. They spend the film walking on eggshells, doing their best to make sure none of their actions accidentally screw over the future.

Well guess what Sparky? You pretty much shitcanned history as you know it when you arrived in the past. Sure, maybe you're presence in 1955, or 1986, or whatever will have absolutely no ill effects--but the fact is, you're not supposed to be there. You've added a variable to history--and no one can say what its ultimate effects might be. Even if you get back to the present and everything seems normal, it may be that whatever events your trip to the past set in motion wont have noticeable effects for years, or decades, or centuries--it's impossible to know.

Fact is, if the characters in a time travel film actually took their own advice and did nothing at all to alter history, you'd end up with one boring-ass picture. All I'm saying is if you should, by accident or design, end up in the past, it's pointless to worry about mucking up time--the cow's escaped, no sense in fixing the barn door now.


2. CHANGING THE PAST WON'T CHANGE YOU

Another mainstay of the time travel film is the crucial decision that will result in a signifigantly improved life when the character in question returns to the present. In the aforementioned Hot Tub Time Machine, there's a character named Nick who, back in 1986, had aspirations of becoming a pop star. But by 2010, he's a p-whipped nobody married to a cheating shrew. So, naturally, his trip back in time enabled him to fulfill his ambition--and when he returned to the present, he discovered that not only had he become a very successful recording artist, but he'd actually founded, and was the president of, his own record label. Sounds great, right? Going back to 1986 was the best thing that ever happened to Nick, yes?

JUST ONE SMALL PROBLEM...

The past 24 years that Nick remembers are completely different from the 24 years that the rest of the world remembers--Nick has no clue how to run a record label! That part of his history essentially happened to someone else. How long do you think it's gonna be before his employees realize he has no idea what he's doing? And what about his past as a musician? What if he's asked to play some of his hits for a benefit concert or something? He doesn't know what his hits are, much less how to play them--they were written and performed by someone with 24 years of experience in the music business, not him.

And as for the Back To The Future series--I don't want to judge too harshly, the movies are classics. However, as far back as 1985 I remember being troubled by the notion that Marty has no knowledge of the new, improved present his trip to 1955 created.

Think of it this way--we as individuals are shaped by the environments we are raised in. Consider a child raised by George and Lorraine McFly as we knew them at the start of the first film--the offspring of a gutless corporate drone and a depressed, overweight housewife. Now picture the son of the McFly's version 2.0-- raised by a smooth, confident, successful author and his cheerful, attractive wife. Clearly, the end result would be two completely different people--two Marty McFlys that probably wouldn't recognize each other if they met on the street.

I'm not necessarily saying that changing one's past for the better is a bad idea--I merely point out that if you do, the You that you remember won't be the same You the world remembers. And you better be ready for that, or it'll seriously fuck with your head.


3. RELAX, YOU'VE GOT A FREAKIN' TIME MACHINE!

This is for movies where the characters have access to a relatively reliable and easily operated means of time travel--and nowhere is it better(and more amusingly)illustrated than in the Bill And Ted movies.

In the third act of Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure, the duo is confronted with a number of challenges which are easily resolved through the use of time travel. My favorite is the matter of stealing Ted's father's keys to release the "historical figures" from jail. At the beginning of the film, Ted's dad found that his keys were missing and asked Ted if he'd taken them, he answered honestly that he didn't know where they were--because the decision to steal them wasn't made until after they were actually stolen, and Ted didn't realize he'd done it.

BILL: We've gotta remember to do this or else it won't happen!

TED: But it did happen--hey! It was me who stole my dad's keys!

This is called Reverse Causality, and it's a lot of fun to think about. By the end, they realize all they have to do is remember to go back and set things in motion, and whatever they need will appear(Trash can, remember a trash can!)

Here we have a rather satirical example of what most characters in such movies never think of. Truth be told, there's really never any need for any kind of tension or worry in a time travel film--something goes wrong, go back and fix it, period. Most of these films will do their best to short-circuit this concept by establishing the dangers of time travel and how they increase exponentially with repeat trips. Which brings us back to Item 1...

And remember "The Terminator Principle"--Time travel means literally endless possibilities for sequels, prequels, and TV shows.

4. DONT TRY TO EXPLAIN HOW IT WORKS, YOU'LL ONLY EMBARRASS YOURSELF

Fortunately, most time travel movies--particularly the ones that are more comedy than sci-fi, understand this. However, once in a while, you'll find films with a high enough opinion of themselves to trot out their questionable theories of temporal mechanics, to the endless delight of nitpickers and nerds like me. Filmmakers of the world, heed my warning: Unless your screenplay was co-written by Stephen Hawking, DON'T BOTHER.

My favorite example of this phenomenon comes from the ultraviolent Van Damme vehicle Timecop. This film explains that while travel to the past is possible, travel to the future isn't as it hasn't happened yet. You don't need to be a sci-fi geek or a Physics major to immediately spot holes in this concept.

Most obviously, if travel to the future is impossible, then how do you get back to the present? Time doesn't work that way--if you accept that travel through time in one direction is possible, then you have to accept travel in the other. It's like this: Time as we know it is one-dimensional, it only goes forward. The only way travel to another point in time is even theoretically possible is to assume at least one more dimension. And if we picture time as two-dimensional, then obviously one would be able to move backwards AND forwards.

To say travel to the future is impossible because it hasn't happened yet is absurd--because in the same sense that the future doesn't exist yet, the past doesn't exist anymore. If anything, I'd assume that travel to the future would be easier, as time's already going that way anyway(don't know if this is true, I 'm pulling most of this out of my ass).

It would seem to me that the makers of hard sci-fi feel it's necessary to find some way to explain how their time traveling doowhacky functions, but the best time travel stories have proven this isn't the case: Terminator never offered a lick of explanation for how the "time-displacement equipment" worked, and the movie didn't suffer a bit. An even better(and much nerdier)example is Dr. Who. Now I've gotta be careful here, all I know remotely well of Dr. Who is Christopher Eccleston's Ninth Doctor(and half the reason I watched that was to ogle Billie Piper), it's my secret geek shame--well, it was. Anyhoo, as I understand it there's no living human capable of understanding how the TARDIS works, I'm pretty sure even the Doctor doesn't understand it fully(Doctor Who fans--feel free to correct me), but this lack of information hasn't dissuaded forty-something years worth of diehard fans.

5. THERE'S ONLY ONE PAST.

Guess what:

90% percent of what I've written here is utterly meaningless(I mean pertaining to this subject, not in a deeper, abstact sense). See, history only happened one way. If it were feasible to go back ten years and, say, propose to the one that got away, the two of you would already be happily married. You may have just now decided to go back and fix things, but whatever it is you did or attempted to do happpened ten years ago as far as history is concerned. So unless you've got a ring on your finger and 2.5 healthy children--its safe to say that your endeavor will fail.

Oddly enough, the best example of what I'm on about here is in Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban. Specifically, when Harry and Hermione use the Time Turner to save the Hippogriff, Buckbeak.

If you notice, nothing is actually changed--we the audience never see the executioner's axe behead Buckbeak. We hear the axe chop into something which we assume is the Hippogriff, but when they go back we learn that the axe was driven into a pumpkin, presumably out of frustration as Buckbeak himself had mysteriously vanished.

More important is earlier when Harry encounters a mysterious figure who saves him from the Dementors by summoning a Patronus. Though Harry believes that somehow his father returned to protect him, he was actually watching his near-future self, and keep in mind this happened BEFORE Harry and Hermione even considered traveling back in time.

History doesn't sit back and wait for us to decide if and when we'll change it--if we can, it's already been done(see the Bill and Ted example in item 3).

So at long last we come to the end of this drivel, and I'm sure there are folks out there who would like nothing more than to explain to me how laughably weak my grasp of temporal theory is.

How do I know this? Because of what I have decided to call "Scooter's Law of Exponential Increase in Nerd Magnitude"(y'know what? how 'bout just "Scooter's Law"?)

Scooter's Law states that whenever a nerd publicly proposes a theory concerning a work of fiction, particularly if it's scientific or pseudoscientific, an even bigger nerd will inevitably appear to debunk said theory, and a bigger nerd still will appear to debunk the debunker, et cetera. If left unchecked, nerd magnitude will continue to increase exponentially until it destroys the universe--so be careful, Geeks!



Ta

Go on! Click it! You know you wanna!


I won't take much of your time:

The Meditation Chamber (which, somewhat depressingly, is the most viewed page on this blog) has been overhauled--lost of old stuff was taken out, and some new, more in the spirit of the overall site material was added. Give it a look if you care to. XD


Oh, and I HAD to throw this out there...I'm not gonna comment on it, but I highly encourage you folks to point at it and laugh: http://www.music-juice.com/celebrity-news/megan-fox-is-the-sexiest-nerd-alive.html

They keep using that word; I do not think it means what they think it means...


Just Scoot

Guess who clawed her way out of the grave 5 years ago? The worlds most adorable brain-eating abomination, that's who!!


Hi folks,

Behold the new Header Pic!, will have a real article tomorrow (I guessXD).