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Us Superfriends know that science fiction, fantasy, and horror have the best and weirdest villains. When you are dealing with a strange, futuristic, or supernatural setting, a normal mustache twirling bad guy just doesn’t cut it. How do you make a villain extra super duper creepy? Hollywood ’s answer: Make `em sexual deviants! Or at least give her/him creepy, sexualized behavior and a leather outfit to match.

These villains usually come equipped with a collection of torture instruments that would make the Spanish Inquisition jealous. Some of them are creepy sexy, some simply disgusting. You're never quite sure if they want under your skin or into your pants. These Disturbingly Kinky Villains love to dish out pain and, sometimes, take it with perverted glee. Underground dungeons are a must, unless one dwells on a spaceship, alternate hell dimension, or is a powerful tyrant with carte blanche to do as s/he pleases. Whoever these villains are, whatever their motivation, “Safe, sane, and consensual” is not in their vocabulary.

9. Drusilla & Spike, “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”

Psychopaths Prefer Blondes

Talk about a match made in crazy sadist heaven! These two definitely get off on playing with their food and tormenting their victims. They have a bizarre, dysfunctional relationship that you can bet is kinky as hell. At one point Spike vows to torture Drusilla until she loves him again. Dru brings out the worst in Spike, and we love to watch that happen.

Spike is her “bad dog.” Heel, boy!

8. Voldo, “Soul Caliber” Series

Long before FFF, Voldo was a creepy bastard. While not strictly a villain, it is obvious that this guy was designed to evoke disturbing feelings. Blind and speechless, Voldo contorts and cuts people up, all while rocking a fancy thong/codpiece combo. There is a move in which he leaps through the air, wraps his legs around you, hisses in your face, and stabs you. He’s basically a gimp who can fight, move like liquid and bend his body into circles and knots. The real question is: what time does he get off work?

Voldo: "Hiss hiss ssshh shhssssh hiss!"

Translation:"Didn't wanna be a tough guy. I wanted to be a dancer!"

What's that? You say you want a link to 2 Voldos dancing in rhythm to music, and all the insanity that that implies? No?? TOO BAD HERE IT IS! Sleep tight, kids!

7. Sharaz Jek, "Doctor Who"

"The Caves of Androzani"

(starring the awesome Peter Davison as the 5th Doctor)

"Who the fuck IS this guy??"

Old “Doctor Who” episodes never cease to amaze me. Sharaz Jek has the whole “Phantom of the Opera” angst going for him as a disfigured genius living in isolation. Well, there are his robot minions, but it is obvious when he kidnaps the Doctor and Peri that he has been starved for human contact. Peri is “So beautiful, sooo beautiful!” ::drool, hiss, drool, grope:: He wears a black and white leather mask, and apparently thought it best to coordinate with a very tight black leather suit. (Doesn’t hurt that he was played by Christopher Gable, who had a great dancer's physique.) Despite his lecherous behavior, I defy you not to feel a little sympathy for his character at the very end.

Sharaz Jek is a creeping, creepy creeper who creepily creeps.

6. Illyria, “Angel”

You should see her with the tentacles . . .

Superfriend Colleen brought to my attention this leather sporting, resurrected elder god. One of her favorite pastimes is beating up Spike, and she would like to keep him as a pet. (Honestly, folks, who here wouldn’t?) Training Spike, er, training with Spike, is an activity that helps take the edge off Illyria’s need for violence. Bonus Disturbing Points for walking around in the skin of Wesley’s loved one, Fred, tormenting him and exploiting his desire to be with her. (Poor Fred!)

The Training of "S"

5. Count Rugen The Six Fingered Man, “The Princess Bride”

Ever the coward, Rugen hides his perversion under the veneer of studying pain "for posterity." Uh huh. You can’t fool us with your academic pretenses and stoic demeanor, Count Rugen. We all know you torture Wesley because you like it. It makes you happy. In your pants.

Typical Saturday Night for Count Rugen: Carefully studying & torturing blond, shirtless, well-muscled men.

4. Scorpius, “Farscape”

Scorpius achieves extra kinky mileage by use of the "chin thong."

Ooh, boy. Where do we start with Scorpius? The fact that his “coolant suit” happens to perfectly resemble something you’d see at the Folsom Street Leather Fair in San Francisco? That he forcefully, ecstatically shoves cooling rods into his head to stave off delirium? His memory extracting mind fuck chair? Or that we’ve seen him practically have a bondage picnic with his romantic interest, Sikozu? Of course there's much more than that to Scorpius; he's a complex, calculating villain. Who just happens to be freaky deaky in a big way.

That's right, Scorpius wants to watch. In fact, he could be watching you . . . right now . . .

3. Adelei Niska, “Firefly”

"The Train Job"

"War Stories"

"And for my next project I will sew Mal, Jayne, and Simon together to create a 'Human Firefly!' What? It's not sick, Shan Yu wrote all about it, you ignorant Philistine!"

What can one say about Niska but “Brrrrrr!” Joss Whedon certainly loves sadistic bastards with a tendency to wax philosophical. (Remember Erly? Just what was UP with that guy?) Like our pal Count Rugen, Niska has a supposed intellectual interest in torture, but it’s apparent that causing pain and suffering gives Niska pleasure in the depths of his very soul. The scenes with Niska are the most brutal of the series, up until the movie “Serenity,” that is.

“You died, Mr. Reynolds . . . When you die, I can't hurt you any more. And I want two days at least, minimum."

2. Baron Harkonnen, Dune

Baron Harkonnen: proof that some gingers do not, in fact, have souls.

Vladimir Harkonnen has quite the mélange of nasty habits. ::ducks tomatoes:: Gleeful torture and murder of prisoners? Check. Sadistic treatment of young (too young!) male slaves? Check. Necrophilia? Doubleplusnasty check! This guy’s idea of a good time is to watch while his nephew murders sex slaves. Thank Muad’Dib that Alia was there with her Gom Jabbar to pop him like a balloon full of rancid pork in the end. I just read that the Baron’s corpulence is the result of an STD as well. Dude, could you get anymore disgusting?

1. Pinhead & His Cenobites

“Hellraiser” and Many Unfortunate Sequels

"Sooo . . . heard you guys summoned some hell demons, eh? Who's up for torture?!"

It’s hard to pick just one to top this list, but few have achieved such iconic kinky status as Pinhead. The black leather, bits of exposed flesh, and lovingly displayed mortal wounds make Pinhead and his crew stand out from other villains. Sure, they’re as evil and murderous as all the others . . . but they just enjoy it so damn much! In fact, they have no other motivation: torture is their goal, not a means to any other end.They don't want information, more power, or to rule the world. They just want to do stuff to you. All kinds of stuff with hooks and chains. “No tears, please! It’s a waste of good suffering!”

Still not convinced? Watch the video below.

It's the wallet that says: "Black Pope of Hell" on it!

There were a lot of characters I considered for this list but didn’t make it because their identities as villains are too defined by their, well, rapey fictional deeds: Mr. Gone, Yellow Bastard, Pyramid Head, Deathstroke the Terminator, Typhoid Mary, and many more. Any kinky bastards you can think of that I left off? Put `em in the comments, but please keep `em on a short leash.

The safeword is “Abraxas!”

BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!


Scoot here--Happy Halloween, Blessed Samhain, and just to cover the next few days: Happy All Saints Day, and ¡Buen Día De Los Muertos!


Yesterday I was admittedly bitter towards my friends who have the good fortune to be occupied with various social activites and general merry-making tonight. I apologize for this--just because I'm broke and antisocial doesn't mean I should be shitting on those who actually have the courage and put forth the effort to maintain social lives. So, sorry guys!


Anyway, I thought I'd do a favor for my peeps who are in the same boat as me--these are five of my personal favorite creepifying films, any one of them should help cushion the blow of having to spend All Hallow's Eve by your lonesome...

More after the jump.




Scary Scoot






Oh, FYI--these aren't ranked or anything, they're presented in no particular order.


NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD




Let's start off strong. George Romero's 1968 classic essentially defined the zombie genre for the next 40 years.

More than that, it's a wonderful example of  minimalist cinema: Romero made one of the most effective and terrifying films in history with an unknown cast, next to no money, and essentially one set--a great object lesson for those who think horror films are all about ridiculously expensive effects or over the top violence and gore.

Oh, and a nifty little piece of trivia: NOTLD has an interesting place in the history of American race relations--Duane Jones, the film's star, was the first black actor to land a leading role that was not specifically written as black. Oh, there had been dozens of black actors playing leads for years before '68, but before this film, every one of those actors was playing a character written as black. Ben, the character Jones played, could have been any race.


DRACULA (1979)



Above is one of the most terrifying scenes from one of the most underappreciated visions of Bram Stoker's iconic bloodsucker.

Sure, liberties were taken: Mina and Lucy's names were switched, Mina(formerly Lucy) became Van Helsing's daughter, the time period seems to have been advanced a couple of decades(Harker has a car), and to be honest--the film features probably the worst portrayal of Renfield imaginable(that is, prior to Peter MacNichol in Dracula: Dead And Loving It)

But it makes up for these deficiencies with lush cinematography, wonderful settings, and fantastic performances from the likes of Donald Pleasance, Sir Laurence Olivier, and Frank Langella as the Count.

The scene above still scares me as much today as it did more than 20 years ago, and features probably the most terrifying use of the Dutch language in film history.


THE EVIL DEAD TRILOGY










I know, that's three movies--but I couldn't bring myself to pick just one.

Evil Dead, like Romero's aforementioned masterpiece, is another minimalist classic--though admittedly a much more violent and bloody one.

And it introduced the world to the phenomenon that is Bruce Motherfucking Campbell!


Evil Dead 2 is a remarkable work of black comedy as well as horror. It also cemented Mr. Campbell as the most awesome person who ever lived(watch the clip--conclusive proof that the only person tough enough to kick Bruce Campbell's ass is Bruce Campbell!)

And Army of Darkness--definitely the most popular of the trilogy, plays like the coolest D&D campaign you could ever be in, and has more quotable moments than any other film not made by Quentin Tarantino or Monty Python.


DRACULA'S DAUGHTER



Milking a popular franchise for every dime it can make is by no means a recent development--Universal whored out Dracula in every way imaginable, producing a number of lackluster sequels often featuring other monsters from the Universal stable.

Dracula's Daughter, however, was different--it was actually really damn good. Not only is it the only sequel based on another Bram Stoker work(this time a short story), it also brought back THE Van Helsing: Edward Van Sloan.

It was also one of the most sympathetic vampire stories of the day--nowadays melodramatic tales of bloodsuckers with hearts of gold are ubiquitous, but in the early days of horror cinema the concept of a vampire that was anything but a villain was practically unheard of. And Gloria Holden's portrayal of the undead protagonist manages to exude a powerful menace while still being basically good, a difficult feat(plus, look at her--she's utterly glorious!).


MANIAC



And we finish with what might be called the "odd man out". There's no zombies, demons, or vampires in this one--and yet it remains one of the creepiest films I've ever seen.

Considered by many to be the world's first slasher film(released in 1934), Dwayne Esper's Maniac is hallucinatory, hard to follow, and weirder than tits on a Bishop(the clip above is a good example of what to expect from the film as a whole).

It uses mental illness as its particular boogeyman, and it handles the subject with all the sensitivity and understanding that Hollywood in the thirties gave Asian and American Indian cultures.

It's pure exploitation and utterly absurd--I LOVE IT!



So--if, like me, you lack the means to celebrate this most awesome of holidays with the grandeur it deserves, at least dig up one of these flicks.

Satan will appreciate the effort! ;)



Oops--the pic that was originally in this spot turned out to be of a maquette. To anyone who, due to my oversight, masturbated to a picture of a plastic woman--God, I'm so sorry. Here's a shot of a 100% real human cosplayer--I SWEAR!

I really like this one--very Newmar-esque figure

Umm...

Maskless, yes--But I'm not bringing it up, I wouldn't want to see her angry(or would I?)

This is my fave. I think its going up on the sidebar--it's genius!

There aren't enough cosplayers who sport the TV show ensemble. This is one of the best.

Hi-Ho,



I've noticed a trend as of late.


More and more loyal, card-carrying nerds are stepping out from the shadows and admitting(often with a twinge of embarrassment)that they don't share the popular geek obsession with all things Anime.


Our own Joltess recently penned an article on this subject, and others have voiced their agreement, so I thought it time I threw my hat into the ring:

I've got nothing against Anime--I've greatly enjoyed some of it, though granted what I've liked is mostly old-school titles like Speed Racer, Gigantor, and Star Blazers. And, indeed, some feature-length Anime would be appealing to anyone who enjoys good movies(Akira, for example).

I suppose the main objection comes from two sources:

One--More and more the twin forces of Anime and CGI are dominating the animation universe, leaving less and less room for the kind of toons I grew up on.

And two--Anime fandom is becoming synonymous with the nerd community, to the point that those of us who neither know nor care to know anything about the genre are feeling just a tad alienated.


But I didn't write this to curse Anime or bemoan the state of modern animation. Instead I thought I'd throw a few well-earned accolades to my personal heroes in the cartooning game.

This isn't an exhaustive study of the careers of these men, nor is it my attempt to rank them and determine the "World's Greatest". Nope, just a few kind words and a smattering of clips--anyway, let's kick things off with:



GENNDY TARTAKOVSKY

Ahoy-hoy,


An auspicious event occurred today: I finally saw Back To The Future 3.


I know, I know. I can already hear a chorus of  "so what" ringing across cyberspace. Why is this occasion even remotely blogworthy? Two reasons: 1. This was one of those movies that while I was vaguely interested in finally seeing, I was never so interested as to actually rent, buy, or borrow it. So it was a matter of waiting for the proper confluence of events(an airing on TV, nothing else on, nothing better to do).

Well, I think it's a good reason.

And, much more importantly, 2. It reminded me of how difficult it is for people like me (obsessive, nitpicky geeks) to enjoy time travel movies.

In such cases, my evil alter-ego, "Buzzkill McSmartass" , rears his ugly head(this is especially problematic when I'm not alone--I've had friends refuse to watch movies with me). Now, I can usually tune him out enough to enjoy good performances, or funny jokes, or the like--but he doesn't go away, he just starts plying me with questions as soon as the film's over. There's nothing on earth Buzzkill McSmartass loves more than ripping a time travel flick to bloody shreds, and since I've also recently seen  the high-concept, low comedy train wreck that is Hot Tub Time Machine(that's a little cruel, it's certainly funny if you don't mind turning off your brain), ol' Buzz has had his knives out for the genre.

So, to placate him, and perhaps share a measure of Geek Wisdom with my beloved readers, I present The 5 Things Every Movie Time Traveler Should Know.

1. YOU'RE ALREADY SCREWED!

In your average time travel film, there will inevitably be a character who has a hissy fit about making sure the timeline isn't altered. They spend the film walking on eggshells, doing their best to make sure none of their actions accidentally screw over the future.

Well guess what Sparky? You pretty much shitcanned history as you know it when you arrived in the past. Sure, maybe you're presence in 1955, or 1986, or whatever will have absolutely no ill effects--but the fact is, you're not supposed to be there. You've added a variable to history--and no one can say what its ultimate effects might be. Even if you get back to the present and everything seems normal, it may be that whatever events your trip to the past set in motion wont have noticeable effects for years, or decades, or centuries--it's impossible to know.

Fact is, if the characters in a time travel film actually took their own advice and did nothing at all to alter history, you'd end up with one boring-ass picture. All I'm saying is if you should, by accident or design, end up in the past, it's pointless to worry about mucking up time--the cow's escaped, no sense in fixing the barn door now.


2. CHANGING THE PAST WON'T CHANGE YOU

Another mainstay of the time travel film is the crucial decision that will result in a signifigantly improved life when the character in question returns to the present. In the aforementioned Hot Tub Time Machine, there's a character named Nick who, back in 1986, had aspirations of becoming a pop star. But by 2010, he's a p-whipped nobody married to a cheating shrew. So, naturally, his trip back in time enabled him to fulfill his ambition--and when he returned to the present, he discovered that not only had he become a very successful recording artist, but he'd actually founded, and was the president of, his own record label. Sounds great, right? Going back to 1986 was the best thing that ever happened to Nick, yes?

JUST ONE SMALL PROBLEM...

The past 24 years that Nick remembers are completely different from the 24 years that the rest of the world remembers--Nick has no clue how to run a record label! That part of his history essentially happened to someone else. How long do you think it's gonna be before his employees realize he has no idea what he's doing? And what about his past as a musician? What if he's asked to play some of his hits for a benefit concert or something? He doesn't know what his hits are, much less how to play them--they were written and performed by someone with 24 years of experience in the music business, not him.

And as for the Back To The Future series--I don't want to judge too harshly, the movies are classics. However, as far back as 1985 I remember being troubled by the notion that Marty has no knowledge of the new, improved present his trip to 1955 created.

Think of it this way--we as individuals are shaped by the environments we are raised in. Consider a child raised by George and Lorraine McFly as we knew them at the start of the first film--the offspring of a gutless corporate drone and a depressed, overweight housewife. Now picture the son of the McFly's version 2.0-- raised by a smooth, confident, successful author and his cheerful, attractive wife. Clearly, the end result would be two completely different people--two Marty McFlys that probably wouldn't recognize each other if they met on the street.

I'm not necessarily saying that changing one's past for the better is a bad idea--I merely point out that if you do, the You that you remember won't be the same You the world remembers. And you better be ready for that, or it'll seriously fuck with your head.

3. RELAX, YOU'VE GOT A FREAKIN' TIME MACHINE!

This is for movies where the characters have access to a relatively reliable and easily operated means of time travel--and nowhere is it better(and more amusingly)illustrated than in the Bill And Ted movies.

In the third act of Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure, the duo is confronted with a number of challenges which are easily resolved through the use of time travel. My favorite is the matter of stealing Ted's father's keys to release the "historical figures" from jail. At the beginning of the film, Ted's dad found that his keys were missing and asked Ted if he'd taken them, he answered honestly that he didn't know where they were--because the decision to steal them wasn't made until after they were actually stolen, and Ted didn't realize he'd done it.

BILL: We've gotta remember to do this or else it won't happen!
TED: But it did happen--hey! It was me who stole my dad's keys!

This is called Reverse Causality, and it's a lot of fun to think about. By the end, they realize all they have to do is remember to go back and set things in motion, and whatever they need will appear(Trash can, remember a trash can!)

Here we have a rather satirical example of what most characters in such movies never think of. Truth be told, there's really never any need for any kind of tension or worry in a time travel film--something goes wrong, go back and fix it, period. Most of these films will do their best to short-circuit this concept by establishing the dangers of time travel and how they increase exponentially with repeat trips. Which brings us back to Item 1...

And remember "The Terminator Principle"--Time travel means literally endless possibilities for sequels, prequels, and TV shows.

4. DONT TRY TO EXPLAIN HOW IT WORKS, YOU'LL ONLY EMBARRASS YOURSELF

Fortunately, most time travel movies--particularly the ones that are more comedy than sci-fi, understand this. However, once in a while, you'll find films with a high enough opinion of themselves to trot out their questionable theories of temporal mechanics, to the endless delight of nitpickers and nerds like me. Filmmakers of the world, heed my warning: Unless your screenplay was co-written by Stephen Hawking, DON'T BOTHER.

My favorite example of this phenomenon comes from the ultraviolent Van Damme vehicle Timecop. This film explains that while travel to the past is possible, travel to the future isn't as it hasn't happened yet. You don't need to be a sci-fi geek or a Physics major to immediately spot holes in this concept.

Most obviously, if travel to the future is impossible, then how do you get back to the present? Time doesn't work that way--if you accept that travel through time in one direction is possible, then you have to accept travel in the other. It's like this: Time as we know it is one-dimensional, it only goes forward. The only way travel to another point in time is even theoretically possible is to assume at least one more dimension. And if we picture time as two-dimensional, then obviously one would be able to move backwards AND forwards.

To say travel to the future is impossible because it hasn't happened yet is absurd--because in the same sense that the future doesn't exist yet, the past doesn't exist anymore. If anything, I'd assume that travel to the future would be easier, as time's already going that way anyway(don't know if this is true, I 'm pulling most of this out of my ass).

It would seem to me that the makers of hard sci-fi feel it's necessary to find some way to explain how their time traveling doowhacky functions, but the best time travel stories have proven this isn't the case:  Terminator never offered a lick of explanation for how the "time-displacement equipment" worked, and the movie didn't suffer a bit. An even better(and much nerdier)example is Dr. Who. Now I've gotta be careful here, all I know remotely well of Dr. Who is Christopher Eccleston's Ninth Doctor(and half the reason I watched that was to ogle Billie Piper), it's my secret geek shame--well, it was. Anyhoo, as I understand it there's no living human capable of understanding how the TARDIS works, I'm pretty sure even the Doctor doesn't understand it fully(Doctor Who fans--feel free to correct me), but this lack of information hasn't dissuaded forty-something years worth of diehard fans.

5. THERE'S ONLY ONE PAST.

Guess what:

90% percent of what I've written here is utterly meaningless(I mean pertaining to this subject, not in a deeper, abstact sense). See, history only happened one way. If it were feasible to go back ten years and, say, propose to the one that got away, the two of you would already be happily married. You may have just now decided to go back and fix things, but whatever it is you did or attempted to do happpened ten years ago as far as history is concerned. So unless you've got a ring on your finger and 2.5 healthy children--its safe to say that your endeavor will fail.

Oddly enough, the best example of what I'm on about here is in Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban. Specifically, when Harry and Hermione use the Time Turner to save the Hippogriff, Buckbeak.

If you notice, nothing is actually changed--we the audience never see the executioner's axe behead Buckbeak. We hear the axe chop into something which we assume is the Hippogriff, but when they go back we learn that the axe was driven into a pumpkin, presumably out of frustration as Buckbeak himself had mysteriously vanished.

More important is earlier when Harry encounters a mysterious figure who saves him from the Dementors by summoning a Patronus. Though Harry believes that somehow his father returned to protect him, he was actually watching his near-future self, and keep in mind this happened BEFORE Harry and Hermione even considered traveling back in time.

History doesn't sit back and wait for us to decide if and when we'll change it--if we can, it's already been done(see the Bill and Ted example in item 3).

So at long last we come to the end of this drivel, and I'm sure there are folks out there who would like nothing more than to explain to me how laughably weak my grasp of temporal theory is.

How do I know this? Because of what I have decided to call "Scooter's Law of Exponential Increase in Nerd Magnitude"(y'know what? how 'bout just "Scooter's Law"?)

Scooter's Law states that whenever a nerd publicly proposes a theory concerning a work of fiction, particularly if it's scientific or pseudoscientific, an even bigger nerd will inevitably appear to debunk said theory, and a bigger nerd still will appear to debunk the debunker, et cetera. If left unchecked, nerd magnitude will continue to increase exponentially until it destroys the universe--so be careful, Geeks!

Ta