Everyone always talks about the FFF band names, but I dont think thats taking it far enough. What sort of music would the bands play? Who would sing in them? What would their songs be called?
Well, I've answered those questions that likely werent meant to be answered. All of the band and song names are taken from FFFs mostly in the past 2 years. Damn its a lot easier sending material to someone else than trying to update my own website.
Cute Face Americans
The Cute Face Americans are well past their prime, but the aging boy band members have shown here that their twelve year old fans will still turn out to listen to over-coiffed 30 somethings sing hits from their older albums such as “I’m Going To Take Special Care of My Sweet Little Bear” and “You Are Even More Beautiful (without clothes on)” They also have some new material such as the Haiti disaster relief tune “On This Very Planet” They’re donating ten percent of the sales from their greatest hits CD to the Clinton-Bush earthquake relief fund, a real class act!
Penetration Moment
Taking the spot vacated by the Cute Face Americans in the heart of tweens everywhere, Penetration Moment have shot to fame with their latest album titled Save Every Minute which features the hit single “Just Give It Some Time To Work” and the sultry “I Fear That I Must Break Your Virginity” Speaking of breaking, Penetration Moment’s guitarist, Scoot Summers, is reportedly recovering from a fractured toe after a gang of teenage girls mobbed him when he was cut off from his security detail. The staff of NWN Music wishes him a speedy recovery!
The Milk junkies
The Milk Junkies (named as an allusion to their Straight Edge beliefs) show their Boston roots in the latest LP with aggressive, dangerous punk. I really enjoyed the crashing drum solo at the end of “The Others Were All Shredded”. Another jewel in this album that is starting to get some local radio play is their emo flavored “Unfurl and Sputter” This band has been touring extensively and is ready to move up in the world. I greatly look forward to their next album.
Old Fashion Pants Off Spankings
OFPOS have been around seemingly forever. Apparently they noticed as much because they’ve tried to reinvent themselves in their latest album. Their efforts include going more of a hard-core route with their single “Mucus Sucked” and even, sadly, dashing into ham-fisted political commentary that would make Yoko Ono squirm with their vegan anthem “Leave The Meat Intact Because It Is Sin” Some bands get better with age. The Pants Off Spankings are not among them, frankly I wish they’d heed their name and go back to their old fashioned Sex Pistol style punk rock.
Tokyo Gynecologist
Few critics know just what to make of Tokyo Gynecologist. The band has broken with many conceptions and their latest album, written by eccentric Italian lead singer who goes only by the name Engorgio, is a smorgasbord of the random. Notable tracks include “Take Me To London”, a break-core ballad sure to get some play in clubs, and the esoteric “Beauty Cleavages and Serpent Arses” which, to my ear, seemed to be little more than a series of washing machine noises and samplings of the drummer’s boyfriend pitching some kind of strange anal tampon. I would buy this album, but only if the profits went towards psychological help for the band members.
Spread Eagle On The Hoverbed
The music world thought it had seen the last of Oliver Wayne when his previous band, “Laughing Shimmer of Metallic Pain” failed and split up. However he’s reorganized and found a new keyboardist and begun to play clubs under the name “Spread Eagle On The Hoverbed”. Their self titled first album was just released and I was lucky enough to get a first copy. Being a fan of his from his days with Laughing Shimmer I was elated, and Wayne has lost none of his potency. The pulsing beats of “Much Update System” reminded me of the good old days in the old clubs, while newer more experimental jams such as “I’m Afraid The Rejuvenation Chamber Won’t Be Enough” include funkadelic elements while remaining true to the band’s roots. Five stars!
Mamed Sweet Sister
Death Metal is a genre you either love or hate, and no band enjoys hatred more than Mamed Sweet Sister. The hard rocking, hard drinking band, is presently a trio. It seems their bassist is on hiatus after injecting what he describes as “a strange and unknown liquid” which, unlike his customary heroine, “removed his powers”. However Mamed Sweet Sister are still doing shows and pumping out new material and finding new ways to scream about dead babies and the ancient Roman snake deity they worship. Their latest album, “Give Me The Hard Fuck” features the almost hummable arena metal anthem “Hail Corbra”, apparently a song of praise to the aforesaid God, and they’ve shown that they haven’t gone soft with “Alomst Dead Baby”. A metal band that hasn’t sold out, I give them four stars!
Trust The Squid
Trust The Squid have gone against the wishes of the National PTSA, at least two papal bulls and a Muslim fatwa calling for their deaths, and created a new album. After their last album, “Giant Lawnmowers Will Grind Everyone To Dead” one might think the shock rockers had little left to astonish soccer moms and the religious right. However, their new effort, “Simile Apocalypse” features even more aggressive bass riffs, and the headline song “Abortion Fetish” is sure to turn heads. The band list their favorite movie on Myspace as “The Davinci Code” a fitting film as they’ll probably be getting hunted down by Opus Dei any time now.
Daggerous
Daggerous are fresh off a tour with My Chemical Romance and ready to push their latest album, “Robocop, It’s So Cold Here” I sat down with lead singer Karl Voldo and guitarist Bill Ivy for a chat. While they fiddled with their black hoodies and strained under the pressure of their ladies cut jeans, they told me about the personal problems that led to songs such as “Hungry Or Ashamed” and “Slowly Splintering Mind” Frankly though, I couldn’t give a toss. 1 star.
Throbbing glory
Throbbing Glory, on the other hand, continue to redefine the genre labeled as emo on a daily basis, while simultaneously rejecting the label. We can forgive them that bit of pretension because their latest album is full of melancholy classics such as “Failing Backwards” and “Random Movements, Gestures” They’re set to play Ozzfest this summer, and while I can’t speak for the rest of our staff here, I intend to be there!
Twin Brother and the Hairy Apes
This band does some genuinely great rock and roll, and in an era when everyone is trying to be different and new, that’s kind of refreshing. Their Drummer, Richard Kennedy, was just released from rehab after a tragic car crash that claimed the life of his six groupies. No idea how they all fit into his Porsche.. Anywho, Twin Brother and the Hairy Apes latest CD is full of fist pumping old style rock that will have aging baby boomers and younger people with taste nodding their heads to songs such as “Rapid Heartbeat Almost Lover” and their Queen inspired anthem “Everyone Here Is In Trouble Now” Send a message to the site mod from Yiffstar, these bad boys of rock are going on tour this summer, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Twat Nipples
Twat Nipples, a disturbed duo who go by the names “Slush” and “Glurp” have been building a following in the mid west, mainly because there is nothing else to do in the mid west. Their angry and insane songs include madness such as “I’m Going To Toss You Down The Goddamn Stairs”, a song their lead wrote about his troubled relationship with his mother, and the time he tossed her down the goddamn stairs, and “Suck A Soft And Redful Hair”, a song apparently written about Glurp’s ample red pubic bush. Avoid if possible.
And No Bra
In the tradition of Shonen Knife comes And No Bra, a femme-punk band that, unlike Old Fashioned Pants Off Spankings, actually know what they’re talking about when they try to make a political statement. Sadly, that doesn’t make them any less annoying. Front-person Loonis Lane is still forcing her agenda on everyone from statements against eating meat in the song “Amazing Salad” to equating Christianity and its holidays with sexual assault in “No More Rape and Presents” Might be soothing to women on their period. 2 Stars.
Mechanical Penis Weekend
Feuding members of MPW have announced that their next world tour will be their last as a band, describing it as a "Departing Rim Job", as the shows occur around the Pacific Rim. This is fitting, as only the Japanese seem to be able to understand just what this band is up to. The lead singer has bitterly claimed that Americans simply don't get their deep messages, but it's hard to look for messages in their latest album "Furiously Onto The Corn" when the animated video for its main song, the experimental electronica "Turn Me Into A Chipunk Or I'll Kill Your Son" features a pair of panties committing tentacle rape on their suddenly androgynous synthesizer player. One might accuse them of pandering.
Alvan feat. Snoop Dog
This single features the song "Equally Naked" from Alvan's "Rappin With Whips and Gear" album. The video is phenomenal, especially when Snoop busts into da house to flip up lines such as "The girls must be hoes because with hoes you don't feel love for them" A throw back to the days when rap was just about bitches and weed, whereas it has now degraded to being about bitches and weed and bling.
Cousin Butt
Cousin Butt, the easy going yet awkward stoner rockers left over from the 90s, are still putting out fantastic music. Their mysterious front man who goes by the title “The Duke” hasn’t lost his ability to pen quirky half poems that will work well in the latest Wes Anderson film or what have you. Acceptable songs from their latest album include “Anxiety Erection” and the delightfully dorky “I Think I Found Narnia” which I’m told came to be when one of their members was shoved into an armoire and wrote the song while he waited to be let out.
Nanaporbes! At The Destro
Rumors that Nanaporbes! Was planning to drop their current guitarist in favor of a Mr. Bricken, may have some merit after all, as shown in these comments from their manager: “They already know who Rob Bricken is and they’re on my side as we speak.” No word yet as to whether they plan to drop the exclamation point from their name though. Regardless of changes in line up, they’ve already produced a fairly danceable album this year “Everyone Does It Sort Of” features the songs “Severed Heads Pass Out”, “Bring Me Four Tranq Rifles A Vial of Nerve Toxins and A Camera” and one that’s already become popular in the clubs titled “That’s Right, Donald, I’m A Bisexual” They’ve also pushed the limit of their song with a long name gimmick with “Even If You Had Nothing To Do With It I Don’t Care And The Mods Agree With Me”
No Way Hose
No Way Hose may not be touring again for some time. Rumor has it that lead singer David Garrett may have mutilated his genitals in his suite at the Mariott Hotel. Despite the fact that during our last interview all he did was leer at me in a creepy fashion and demand “How does it look?” I proceded to summarize his previous album, but was interrupted with “No, not the album. Your cunt.” Despite having to ask him to step out of my office, I still greatly enjoy the grunge themed music his band was creating until his tragic testicular accident. Notable songs from what might well be their last album include “Penetraculating” and “Wet Private Hole”
Buster The T
Buster The T continues his effort to kill rap in his latest release. The album features typical elaboration on the stereotypical rap lifestyle, and especially odes to Buster’s hos, such as “Root Her” and “You Mouth Is Tickling My Wee Wee”. Apparently the video shoot for Yo Mouth was called off when Buster got mixed up and found himself in a hot tub full of money, drinking diamonds, smoking a ho, and having sex with a bag of marijuana. He’s in stable condition and expected to be back on tour once he has his stomach pumped. The ho is also expected to recover once skin grafts are complete.
