Free Imagine Blogs

It seems that every four years around this time the feeble minded fools in the media work themselves into a froth. "Who will be the vice presidential nominee?" they whine impotently. Tonight, the question on everyone's mind is of course: who will Barack Obama choose as his vice presidential nominee?

Know this: I will end the speculation now. It is I, Doctor Polaris.

That is right, you mindless media dogs! Senator Obama has chosen the mighty Polaris as his running mate! Together we will crush all opposition. No one can stand in my way. I will destroy all who attempt to derail my path to the United States Naval Observatory! From there, I shall observe the heavens and plot my domination over all!

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Fools! Did you really think it was me? I have tricked you all! You ran to your "Black Berries" and your "I Phones" to alert your editors... And you have been shamed. Pathetic dupes! I would never accept such a worthless post as Vice President! I am Doctor Polaris... And I will settle for nothing less than Secretary of State.

Greeting loyal readers. It is I, Doctor Polaris -- your next president. I have been busy these past few weeks spending time in the states of Iowa and New Hampshire.

Oh, how I despise them. I am sickened that so much of our nation's future rests upon these pathetic enclaves. They are so damn cold. I am originally from Southern California! Where the weather is glorious much of the year! The ice and snow those two states is an affront to my sensibilities.

And so, I make the following declaration: should I be elected president I will do everything in my power to accelerat the process of global warming. And don't give me any of that "global warming doesn't exist" crap. I'm a scientist. Global warming is real. An I promise to use it to make places like Iowa and New Hampsire actually livable.

Of course, there is one man who will stand in my way -- should my opportunity come to pass. His powers are formidible, but I do not fear him. He will not prevent me from warming the earth and boiling the seas to create year round warmth for all the people of America.

I do not fear you, Al Gore! So swears Polaris!

McCain! Obama! Brownback! Hillary! So many impudent politicians are beginning their runs for the White House. The fools! They dare to believe that they can surpass the likes of Lex Luthor? Or Bill Clinton? They are not fit to lick the boots of men such as these.

No, America needs a visionary for this new century. Someone who understands this modern world and the trials it presents. Someone who isn't afraid to tell it like it is, and then crush anyone who disagrees. Someone like me.

Yes, my friends. I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. Tremble my enemies at the might of my tax plan! Kneel before the awesome power of my healthcare reform package! Quiver in awe at the sight of my roadmap for peace in the Middle East!

No candidate for president brings with him the things I do. Magnetic might and a keen mind together are enough. But adding to that my good looks and raw sex appeal? I am unstoppable..

Give it up, Richardson. Go home, Duncan Hunter. Weep bitter tears of defeat, Dennis Kucinich. It's already over. Polaris for President.