Free Imagine Blogs

Those of you who know me know that in addition to being a medical doctor I am a scientist of some repute. As such, I often find myself struck by intriguing hypotheses to age old questions. Questions that have bedeviled scientists of lesser intellect for generations. Tonight, I put my mind to just such a question.

And so we begin with the query: exactly what kind of egg is Egg Fu? By "Egg Fu" I am of course referring to Chinese egg mastermind (and jerk who didn't invite me to Oolong Island) Chang Tzu.

It is clear that Chang Tzu is in fact an egg. That could not be more obvious. And as an egg, Chang Tzu must have been laid by some sort of creature. I am no biologist, but that is usually how it works. But there are literally thousands of species upon the Earth that lay eggs. Which one is the source of Chang Tzu's evil?

At first glance, the obvious answer would seem to be a dragon. After all, Chang Tzu is Chinese, a land famous for its beautiful and noble dragons. Unfortunately, a cursory evaluation of the evidence makes this highly unlikely. As I said, dragons are beautiful and noble. Chang Tzu, of course, is hideous and ignoble. After all, is it not noble to invite great minds of scientific evil when populating a sinister island with the greatest minds in scientific evil?

Aside from dragons, what creatures lay giant eggs? Another possible answer is some sort of dinosaur. After all, these great creatures once walked the Earth and laid very large eggs. But this can be quickly discounted as well. By and large, dinosaurs are extinct. It is possible that an egg from some sort of giant saurian was whisked away from Dinosaur Island. But as temporal physics are not one of China's strong suits, we'll leave that aside.

What other possibilities? Other than dragons and dinosaurs, the world's largest egg comes from the ostrich. Ostriches, of course, are known both for their delicious taste and their impressive legs. Chang Tzu has no legs. Strike ostriches from the list.

No, I believe that the answer is simpler than we have all considered. Chang Tzu is an egg that shows not even the slightest courtesy to fellow evil scientists. Only one creature could be the source of such an odious egg: the long extinct dodo.

With that, our scientific investigation is brought to a close. We have looked at all the options... And only one rises from the pack as the incontrovertible truth. And that is what science is all about.

Why do you not return my calls, Chang Tzu?

When it became known to me that you were populating a sinister island with the greatest minds in scientific evil I knew that you would want me. I am the man who has engineered thousands of magnetic-related crimes. I am the man who through sheer force of intellect granted himself astonishing super powers!

And yet, you did not call me. Thinking this to be a simple oversight (my number is unlisted, after all) I immediately called your island. I proceeded to leave a message with one of your Intergang flunkies. Then I left a dozen more. You have yet to respond.

I know that I am no Thomas Oscar Morrow. I am not deluded about my abilities. But I do know that my scientific brilliance dwarfs the likes of "Doctor" Tyme, Baron Bug, and Ira Quimby.

If I do not receive a call in the next seventy-two hours, you will force me to take action. My good friend Half has already agreed to help me if it comes to that. We will use his ship's mighty arsenal to assail your island with doom.

You have been warned.