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The new Batwoman doesn't work for me. It's not that she's a lesbian. That doesn't bother me.

Tangent: if DC really felt that they needed a lesbian character headlining a book why couldn't they have just decided that Cassandra Cain was gay? I mean, it's not like she's ever had any real relationships with boys. The only guys she ever hooked up with were Superboy (where's he now?) and that Central Asian terrorist. Oh, and that dude who never said more than two sentences near the end of her book. (curse you DC for ending Gabrych's run so early!)

Anyway, the closest thing to a romantic relationship Cass ever had was with Spoiler. I know, you say that they were just friends. But if you tilt your head just right you can see it. Pretty easily.

Anyway, it's obvious that I'm still incredibly pissed about Robin #150. If that doesn't turn out well then DC is going down like the Royal Flush Gang when the Joker's pissed. End tangent.

What was the topic of this again? Right, my not liking the idea of the new Batwoman. It's because she seems so designed to appeal to a certain segment of the population.

Let's see... She's a large-breasted readhead who will likely get naked with other attractive women. Who could they be targeting with that?

That filthy hack "Professor" Expert is at it again over at the 52 site. But I won't give him satisfaction by linking to his "advice column." Though I will say that he's gone a step too far: now he's taking aim at supervillains.

He wasn't so bold in standing up against supervillainy back when Doctor Domino and I were stripping him nude and hanging him from the flagpole in the quad. (ah, college life!) And if that seems childish to you, remember that Domino and I are actually supervillains. (and we actually have doctorates as well!)

Besides, what's this talk of "accepting mad brilliance"? As if Expert would know mad brilliance! Ha! I know mad brilliance! I've played poker with Black Manta! I've teamed with Lex Luthor! Hell, I even dated Emerald Empress for awhile (don't even ask how that worked).

My point is that Expert is a loser. And I won't stop until everyone -- I'm looking at you, DiDio -- recognizes my superior skills at advice columning. And everything else.

Well, my search for an actual job has begun in earnest. However, even armed with a recommendation letter written from Alfred Pennyworth, it's not going well.

Taking the advice from readers here I decided to try the food service industry. Specifically, barbeque. I applied at the local Rib Shack. Though they said my experience was lacking, I had the prerequisite references (thanks again, Alfred!).

I started in the kitchen right away. At first, it was going very. I can slice and burn with the best of them. And really, what else is there to BBQ?

Then things started going wrong.

All the rest of the guys in the kitchen started swearing. Really rough talk. I don't like swearing. Then they took it a step further. They were taking the Lord's name in vain. So what in the name of St. Dumas could I do?

I excused myself to the restroom where I retrieved my costume. After putting it on I did the only thing possible: I burned the Rib Shack to the ground.

As I left behind the smoldering, hickory scented ruins I thought to myself: I'll try retail next.

I have returned.

You see, the real world (curse its name!) has had a hold of me this past week. I had to attend a conference on Port Island in Kobe. Luckily that was easy. Because I live in Japan, you see.

But I was left without internet -- and more importantly without comics -- for that period of time. But now that that's over, expect normal updates to resume on Monday.

And for the record I'm still pissed about Robin #150 and Secret Six kicked my ass (I love you Gail!).

Okay, so I just finished reading Robin #150. I'm sure you can all guess how I'm going to react.

Paging Doctor Psycho! We need a Deus ex Machina here, stat!

Seriously. Give me hackneyed mind control. Give me evil twin or anti-matter universe counterpart. Because the "Cassandra Cain" we see in Robin goes against everything established about the character in 73 issues of her solo series.

So a character who spent more than two-thirds of her life proving that we aren't what we're born to be does a 180 on that?

A character who -- honest to God -- cried when she thought she'd killed the freakin' Shadow Thief decides that murder is the best way to go?

A character who already knew that she was one of many would suddenly go bonkers when she found out Cain had yet another kid?

I could accept her being a villain. Maybe. But not like this. It makes too little sense. It goes against character development. It goes against everything.

But then, maybe others are right. Perhaps I am overreacting. I mean, it's not like DC would ever take a character with a strong fanbase and turn them into a wild-eyed, maniacal killer who...

HAL JORDAN: Hey.

DIAMONDROCK: Oh, hey Hal. Anyway, as I was saying...

...

Waitaminute. This is exactly what they did to you!

HJ: Sure looks that way.

DR: So what's your take on Cassandra Cain's incredibly out of character turn towards villainy?

HJ: Giant yellow space bug. That's the only possible explanation. Well, maybe an orange space bug.

DR: I'll buy that.

DOCTOR POLARIS: JORDAN!

HJ: Oh, hey Neal.

DP: I am Doctor Polaris, fool! What are you doing here? This is my blog!

DR: Actually, it's my...

DP: Silence! I ask again, Jordan: why are you here?

HJ: Just taking care of a few things. I've got a hot date with a lady blogger tonight. *winks*

DP: *shakes fist* Curse you, Jordan!

DR: And... I think that's enough for today.

Well, I'm still searching for a part time job. The big obstacle thus far has been the fact that all the places I've looked require letters of recommendation from "previous employers."

Uh-oh.

So I called you-know-who (who is really the only guy who has ever employed me) and asked if he could write me a letter of recommendation. He refused, saying that I was "too unstable."

Then I brought up Brother Eye and he hung up on me.

So I called back after 11 PM when I knew he'd be gone. I talked to Alfred and asked if he could write me a letter. Alfred (being the nicest guy I've ever met) was happy to do so.

Spending money here I come!

There is nothing


more satisfying


than seeing


nazis


get their asses


kicked.


And it's extra satisfying when those ass kickings are drawn by a living legend like Joe Kubert.

Sgt. Rock: The Prophecy is a pretty remarkable book. Oh, it's about heroes like other comic books. And don't get me wrong; I love my Superman and Batman. But guys like Sgt. Rock and Easy Company were real. They really did save the world.

The Nazis weren't just the guys the Justice Society fights in flashbacks. They were a real army led by a real maniac who really did want to conquer the world. And with no Green Lanterns and no Supermen, it was the everyday people who had to stand up to them.

So they did, and they won.

How's that for heroes?

You all know that I am a man of many talents. Genius, doctor, physicist, lover, advice columnist. All these things you know. But were you aware that I am also an inventor?

It's true! Though it's a simple matter to destroy my enemies by manipulating the iron in their blood it is much more satisfying to watch them die at the hands of a complicated death trap that you designed yourself.

To wit, I invented the Asphyxyo-Sphere&trade. It's just what it sounds like. It's a delightful little device which -- unfortunately -- I haven't made much use of lately. I thought I should remedy that.

And on a completely unrelated track... I received a letter for my advice column today. Since a certain someone opened up shop across the street I've been getting fewer and fewer questions (doctorpolaris@gmail.com!). Anyway, here's the one I received:

Dear Doctor Polaris,

For the love of God... Somebody help me! I can't see! It's so dark! So cold... I'm trapped in some sort of... Asphyxyo-Sphere&trade!

Somebody! Somebody help me! I don't want to die like this! You've got to help me! I'm begging you! Can't anyone hear me? Is anyone there?

Sincerely,

"Professor" Charles Expert

I think that letter answers itself.

Occasionally there's good stuff that comes out of Rich Johnston's Lying in the Gutters column. But never have I been so giddy over an usubstantiated rumor as I am over this one:

Look for The Question to get his own series from Greg Rucka.

Greg Rucka. Writing The Question. It's plausible. Oh yes it's plausible. It breaks down like this, you see. Rucka couldn't take on Supergirl because he has too many commitments. The biggest of those commitments is probably 52. Which features The Question. Written by Greg Rucka (c'mon... you just know that he's doing that story). And when 52 is over Greg Rucka will have a hole in his schedule. To be filled by... The Question.

It's the answer to my prayers.

I've been thinking about getting a part time job.

You see, I've really cut back on my pursuit of righteous vengeance in recent years. With Jason Todd being back there's really very little call for my style of brutal vigilantism. He's got it covered.

But what can I do? I never really graduated from college. I did study computers for awhile, but I was never really good at it. There was that brief stint as a janitor at Wayne Industries. But you-know-who got me that job. And he's not exactly aknowledging my existence anymore.

There aren't a lot of options. My skill set is relatively limited. I can barely drive and I'm not exactly good with people. But I need something to fill the downtime other than reruns of Law & Order.

What should I do?

I had a brush with superstardom the other day. See, my two most popular entries have always been The Tragedy of Superboy-Prime and The Insanity of Superboy-Prime. But when I was vainly (oh so vainly) checking my hit counter yesterday I saw that I was getting a lot more hits on them than usual. Where were they coming from?

Wikipedia.

Now that was certainly a surprise. I wasn't expecting to get links from there. Turns out someone edited the Superboy-Prime entry and linked to the aforementioned posts in the "external links" category. Wow! I figured it wouldn't last, though. And I was right.

A few hours later the links were gone. The history page was illuminating. The guy who added my entries called me "insightful" (thanks!). The Other guy called my blog "non-notable" (wow!) and referred to me as an "insignificant blogger."

Then why does it feel like I've hit the big time?

Another few panels from the now (I assume) in continuity Batman: Year Two:

I attribute the fact that Batman is getting his ass kicked by a senior citizen to the fact that Joe Chill is in continuity. And as a result of this brutal beating Batman decides that using a gun is the best way to fight crime. He nearly blows a guy's head off. That's not cool. And that's all thanks to Joe Chill.

So yeah, you've probably figured out that I don't like Joe Chill being in continuity. The idea of making the Waynes' killer unknown was -- in my eyes -- the best thing to come out of Zero Hour.

For me it seems a masterstroke. The Waynes' murder becomes one of those unsolvable crimes that grow dusty in police stations around the country. There really are so many of them. And the idea that "every criminal he catches might be the one" is also a very appealing idea to me. For me it makes Batman's story make sense.

When I read Batman: Year Two and saw Batman pointing a gun at Joe Chill's face it didn't seem like Batman. And it didn't seem like it was about justice. It sure looked like revenge to me. Now I know most people think it's the other way around. But I can't see it that way. Joe Chill will always represent vengeance over justice to me. And I can't explain why.

Oh, and Joe Chill is an incredibly stupid name.

The only good part about Joe Chill (and by extension Batman: Year Two) being returned to continuity?

Batman getting his ass kicked by a sixty year-old.

In a good way. A very good way. I won't go into details about all the glorious things I saw (The Question!) But I will say that for me at least this first issue was all I love about the DC Universe condensed into a single comic. And then covered in chocolate.

Then there were the... Questions. Like this one: what the hell is that? It's not Bizarro; I'm pretty sure it's not Frankenstein either. Frankenstein doesn't scare me. That thing? It scares me.

Then there's this. I get a creepy escoteric kind of vibe from that. Unlike the other image, I've got a pretty good idea of what that is. It's someone dressed in a weird black costume kneeling in the rain and praying in front of a tombstone with an inverted S-shield on it. The fact that it's so strange makes it scary. The fact that it's definitely important (nothing we see on those shards can be unimportant) makes it terrifying.

The editor says that there's a clue on every page. What did you notice about 52?

I am enraged! How dare DC go behind my back! When they apparently needed an advice columnist for 52 did they come to me (the world's most preeminent genius/madman/advice colunist)? No! They instead went to that no talent hack Prof. Expert.

Look, I've worked with a lot of great doctors and professors in my time. Men like Doctor Domino, Doctor Excess, and Doctor Sivana. But "Professor" Expert doesn't hold a candle to those great men. Like certain other "professors" Expert doesn't even have a doctorate!

Back when I did that teaching stint at Midwestern University he was nothing more but a lowly graduate student. And he never rose any higher than that. His dissertation was bunk and even sleeping with the president of the university didn't help.

Expert was a loser then, and he's a loser now.

Way back in January I did a post on Superboy-Prime. That was at the halfway point of Infinite Crisis. And I remember expressing some degree of sympathy for Superboy-Prime.

Not anymore.

That boy who seemed so lost -- who seemed to be a mere pawn in the scheme of a Luthor -- turned out to be something terrifying.

Something happened to unhinge Superboy-Prime. He went from being a troubled youth to a maniacal killer. We saw him casually snapping necks and tearing people in twain. He never blinked; he didn't care. He contemplated genocide on a universal scale. And he attempted it with glee -- and the power to back it up.

What happened to him? What made him that way? When the Flashes pulled him into the Speed Force he still seemed to maintain some degree of sanity. But the years he spent there seem to have warped him.

Did he become bitter as prisoners often do? Did he stew and plot vengeance against his jailors? Did solitude make him mad?

In the end, it doesn't really matter. By the time he returned any bit of humanity he'd had was gone. He'd become what the Anti-Monitor had been: a being a godlike power with no qualms and no morals. And no hold on reality.

To the very end he raved that he would be Superman -- even if it was in a universe where no one else existed. And even now -- stripped of his powers and freedom -- he says he'll get out.

And we know he will.

Infinite Crisis is finally over. It has come to an end. As for the final issue, I don't have all that much to say about it. But I do have a few thoughts. I will share them with you. You will enjoy it, because I will it to be so.

Good things about Infinite Crisis #7:

- Evil, and lots of it

- Alex Luthor's ultimate fate (looks like I can cross him off my list)

- Green Lanterns dying

- Wild eyed insanity

- Black Adam

Bad things about Infinite Crisis #7:

- Too much Hal Jordan

- Hal Jordan not dying

- Restoration of Joe Chill and Superman as Superboy to continuity

- I wasn't it in

I was rereading Legion of Super-Heroes #17 today and I noticed something that I hadn't noticed before. Something more than a little intriguing. Take a look:



Read the last thing the Dominator says. Read it outloud.

"REMEMBER THE FIFFFFDEETU"

"REMEMBER THE FIFFFTEETUU"

"REMEMBER THE FIFFTEETOO"

"REMEMBER THE FIFFTYTWO"

"REMEMBER THE FIFTY-TWO!"

You see what I'm getting at?

Since the usual suspects haven't chimed in on the first issue of Ion: Guardian of the Universe, I thought I'd take a crack at it.

First off: wow! What an ostentatious title! I love it! Guardian of the Universe, huh? That's pretty impressive. Wonder what it means...

Anyway, my most immediate reaction to Ion #1 was a sense of confusion. But it was the good kind of confusion. The kind that intrigues you and leaves you wanting more. I think that's been a hallmark of the better OYL titles thusfar.
I want to know why Kyle has these weird powers. I want to know why the Guardians are doing whatever it is their doing. I have a lot of questions, and I'm willing to come back for the answers. Well done so far, Mr. Marz.

As for the art, I imagine that some people might be turned off by it. But I found it to have an interesting surreal quality (at least what I'd call surreal). To me it fits pretty well with the mystery of the title as it stands now.

Right, so my "analysis" wasn't anything you'd hear from those previously mentioned "usual suspects." But it's all you're going to get from me. I'm honestly not that much of a deep thinker when it comes to comics. I just know what I like. Not why I liked it. And I did like Ion.