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Yo,


Lemme encapsulize the standard plea for forgiveness concerning my delinquence in posting which inevitably precedes every entry: Sorry. I suck.


So, today we're going to look into the strange and disturbing world of those mysterious denizens of the internet known collectively as fanfiction(or fanfic)authors. Of course, no discussion of this subject would be complete without a shout-out to my peeps at Topless Robot, whose marvelously entertaining weekly feature, FFF(FanFictionFriday) is what first introduced me to these fascinating creatures. (story examples are taken from the FFF archive)

Now, previous visitors to this rarely updated waste of cyberspace are likely well aware of the esteem I hold for time-traveling supergenius ComicsNix(and if you're not, scroll down a bit--it's ok, I'll wait), but all fanfic authors are by no means cut from the same cloth. They are a diverse breed of many different shapes, sizes, colors, and textures(and I would imagine, smells). We'll begin our analysis with one of the most commonplace varieties:


CHAPTER ONE: THE LITTLE SCAMP
(example specimen:   http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/06/fan_fiction_friday_goku_gohan_goten_and_trunks_in.php#more)
This prolific species is defined not so much by the quantity of profanity and sexual references present in their work, but by their utterly clueless usage of these devices. They are the literary equivalent of a four year old who writes "Fuck" in crayon on the living room wall--he doesn't know what it means, he only knows that Mommy and Daddy sometimes say it, but if he says it, he gets a spanking. Look for absurd and/or impossible sexual acts as well as a marked lack of understanding of the physical realities behind "normal" sex. The Little Scamp's main goal, like the four year old, is to push buttons--to see how much he or she can get away with before "Mommy and Daddy" step in. When The Little Scamp matures(physically and/or mentally), if he has not grown out of his predilection for fanfic, then a metamorphosis occurs and he emerges as our next subject...


CHAPTER TWO: THE SHOCK-JOCK
(example specimen:           http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/12/fan_fiction_thursday_superman_and_porn_star_chantz.php#more)


Like The Little Scamp, The Shock-Jock delights in disgusting and scandalizing his audience. Unlike The Little Scamp, The Shock-Jock shows signs of actually knowing what he's talking about--plus he cannot be written off as simply immature, he knows exactly what he's doing. It seems probable that at some point, The Shock-Jock has actally had sex--or had someone describe it to him in enough detail that his stories seem remotely plausible, and are thus all the more terrifying. But brutal as his work may seem at first glance, The Shock-Jock almost never brings any actual literary skill to the table, and any pain his tales cause can be easily offset by ridiculing his lack of talent.


There's much more, but I think I'll save it for part 2

Until next time, dear friends.