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How goes?
If you're reading this, there's a good chance you're intimately acquainted with my second home on the net: Topless Robot. And if you're intimately acquainted with TR, then odds are--for better or worse--you've come to know Fan Fiction Friday, and the horror contained therein. AND if you've come to know FFF, then you've probably noticed the weekly exploits of Topless Roboteer rickicker.
Every week, inspired by the soul-killing nightmare fuel that comprises your typical FFF story, rickicker devises a new spectacular means of ending his mortal suffering.
The most recent, brought on by a Care Bears story whose author has since been hauled before a war crimes tribunal, was such a marvelously clever bit of suicidal whimsy that I promised to go through and anthologize the entire catalog of Mr. Kicker's varied deaths.
This thing is super damn long, so I'll be putting it after a jump--and there's a little surprise waiting at the end...
Ladies and Gentlemen, TTOS is proud to present:
THE MANY DEATHS OF RICKICKER--A HISTORY
Thanks once again to the magic of copy/pasting, I was able to preserve rickicker's unique manner of speech and broad vocabulary--as well as blame him for any typos or grammatical errors!
We begin this May, when a frustrated, injured rickicker gave us a small harbinger of things to come:
....no amount of alcohol and brain bleach can wash the memories of THIS shit away. so i might opted to start drinking gasolines and snacking on dynamite sticks instead.
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/05/fan_fiction_friday_donald_and_daisy_duck_in_donald.php#more
(I'll be providing links to the fics involved with each death, click at your own peril!)
if you need me, i'll be the red smear on the street down there -jumps off 30th floor-
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/05/fan_fiction_friday_professor_trelawney_and_dobby_t.php#more
-sets self on fire, jumps out of building, falls 50 stories down into a manhole, explosion
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/06/fan_fiction_friday_goku_gohan_goten_and_trunks_in.php#more
-swallows cyanide pills-
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/07/fan_fiction_friday_the_pokemon_crew_in_mays_proble.php#more
Topless Roboteers began to take note of rick's weekly suicides around this time, and consequently, he put on his game face:
-douses self in gasoline-
-runs out the window-
This is to kill my body!!
-falls 50 floor down-
And this is to kill my soul: MICHAEL BAY IS A CINEMATOGRAPHY GENIUS!
-lands into a sewage pool-
-explosion in the form of a middle finger-
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/08/fan_fiction_friday_harry_potter_and_draco_malfoy_i.php#more
"A fatal exception has occured at THE BRAIN. The current consciousness will be terminated. Press any key to terminate the current consciousness. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL again to restart Rickicker. He will lose any unsaved memory in his current consciousness."
(not exactly a suicide, but worth including nonetheless)
-sets self on fire-
-tapdances-
-humps Barney-
-runs out the window-
-lands on a trampoline-
-launch into the sky-
-Bat-Signal pose over a full moon-
-crashes into Michael Bay's jet-
-humps Michael Bay-
-takes plane down to an oil tanker-
-crash explosion-
-drives tanker into an oil rig-
-atomic explosion in the form of "FUCK YOU, ROB!"-
-launch into the air-
-crashes into M.Night Shyamalan's jet-
-humps M.Night Shyamalan-
-takes plane down into "World's Largest Pile of Manure"-
-explosion in the form of "WHERE'S YOUR TWIST ENDING NOW?!"-
-launch into the air-
-crashes into George Lucas' jet-
-humps George Lucas-
-takes plane down into a nuclear reactor-
-explosion in the form of a middle finger-
-launch into the air-
-falls into an open manhole-
-explosion-
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/09/fan_fiction_friday_elmo_in_lessons_learned_on_sesa.php#more
-drinks jet fuel-
-lights a match, downs it-
-eyeballs explodes and on fire-
-puts on leather jacket-
-rides a harley, skin melts, skull burns-
-crash against a propane tank-
-explosion-
-flies in the air cackling-
-crashes against a fuel carrier plane-
-more explosion-
-lands on michael bay's house-
-humps his furnitures-
-humps another propane tank-
-explosion-
-flies in the air cackling-
-crashes into meat-packing plant-
-runs through razor blades-
-gets chopped-
-piece of flaming penis hits a propane tank-
-explosion-
-flaming penis flies, stabs michael bay in the eye-
-head explosion, creates more burning dick missiles-
-burning dick missile stabs The Beef in the forehead-
-head explosion, more burning dick missile-
-burning dick missile stabs turturro in the ass-
-ass explosion, more burning dick missiles-
-burning dick missiles carpet bombs hollywood-
-final atomic explosion in the shape of a burning penis-
-rickicker's burning skull rolls to a stop-
Now that's entertainment!
-cackles, gets stabbed by a burning dick missile in the eyesocket-
-explosion in the shape of a vagina-
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/10/fan_fiction_friday_luffy_robin_and_chopper_in_bloo.php#more
He...he he he...ha ha...ha ha ha...ha ha ha ha
...ahahahaha...ahahaha...HA HA...HA HA HA...
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
-drops vat of acid at self-
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
-self mutilates a Joker smile-
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
-stabs Elmo in the eye, burns his corpse-
WAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-turns on radio, dances to "Stuck In the Middle with You", circles Michael Bay tied to a chair-
AAAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
GYAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-slices his ear, douses his crotch in gasoline, lit a match-
HYAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHA
GYAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAH WAAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-dances to The Beef tied to a chair, picks up a crowbar-
MWAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
AHAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAA
-beats The Beef to death with a crowbar-
HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHA
HAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
-burns the crime scene in the form of a smiley face-
AHAHAH HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha...ahaha...ahah ha ha ha...ha ha...ha ha ha ha...wooo.
-flicks butterfly knife-
Why so serious?
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/10/fan_fiction_friday_wolverine_and_prowl_in_night_of.php#more
This isn't a death--ComicsNix stories are too wonderful to inspire thoughts of suicide, but he did want his fans to know he'd be ready for next week:
grenade-laden underpants...check
cyanide tabs...check
a book of vogon poetry...check
justin bieber records...check
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/10/fan_fiction_friday_wonder_woman_and_shrek_in_love.php#more
And now, I present to you, The Amazing Death of Rickicker, Part Three
-strips naked-
-puts on grenade-laden underwear-
-reads Vogon poetry-
-pulls pin-
-explosion-
-flies-
-lands in a shit processing vat-
-backstrokes-
-lit a match-
-explosion-
-flies-
-lands in a meat processing plant-
-gets mutilated by blades-
-hits a propane tank-
-explosion-
-flies into a cow's ass-
-transforms into Shitman-
-flies, shits on Shyamalan's lawn-
-lawn explodes-
-flies, shits on Michael Bay's car hood-
-car explodes-
-flies, shits into Soulja Boy's mouth-
-Soulja Boy explodes-
-fires consecutive burning shits into the sky-
-carpet bombs everything, including self-
-atomic explosion in the form of a turd-
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/10/fan_fiction_friday_the_street_fighter_girls_in_toi.php#more
-produces a cellphone-
-calls Bubba Fett over-
-gets kicked repeatedly in the groin by Bubba Fett-
-gets strapped to a rocket-
-rocket launches-
-rides rocket-
-slams against a wall-
-falls into a women's prison-
-is stomped in the groin repeatedly-
-gets dumped into the sewer-
-gets raped by tentacle monster-
-is kicked back to the surface-
-masturbates-
-fires homing rocket seamen out of dick-
-homing rocket seamen stabs hollywood executives in the ass-
-hollywood executives explode-
-homing rocket seamen stabs George Lucas in the ass-
-George Lucas explodes-
-homing rocket seamen stabs Zac Effron in the ass-
-Zac Effron explodes-
-homing rocket seamen stabs Bono in the ass-
-Bono explodes-
-homing rocket seamen stabs everyone in the ass-
-explosion in the shape of a penis-
-Rickicker watches the destruction and listens to the screams and moans-
...Beautiful.
-homing rocket seaman stabs rickicker in the ass-
-explosion in the shape of an ass-
-penis-shaped explosion penetrates ass-shaped explosion-
-super atomic explosion in the shape of a pair of titties-
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/11/fan_fiction_friday_princess_leia_in_star_wars_sex.php#more
-A wild RICKICKER appeared!-
-RICKICKER reads FFF-
-RICKICKER suffers severe mental trauma!-
-RICKICKER uses CRY-
-RICKICKER is sobbing profusely...-
-RICKICKER uses ALCOHOL-
-RICKICKER is drunk as a skunk-
-RICKICKER uses SEXY DANCE-
-RICKICKER is dancing sexily!-
-RICKICKER uses SELF-HELP BOOKS-
-It's not very effective...-
-RICKICKER uses COUNSELING-
-It's not very effective...-
-RICKICKER uses WRIST-CUT-
-It's super effective!-
-RICKICKER uses CYANIDE-
-It's super effective!-
-RICKICKER uses EYE-GOUGE-
-It's super effective!-
-RICKICKER uses VOGON POETRY-
-It's super effective!-
-RICKICKER uses DOUBLE TEAM-
-A clone RICKICKER appears-
-CLONE RICKICKER rapes RICKICKER mercilessly!-
-It's super effective!-
-RICKICKER uses SELF DESTRUCT-
-It's super effective!-
-RICKICKER fainted-
-What's this? RICKICKER is evolving!-
-Congratulations! Your RICKICKER is now a CORPSEKICKER!-
-Give a name to your CORPSEKICKER?-
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/11/fan_fiction_friday_ash_and_brock_in_a_dark_night.php#more
And the grand finale:
-dumps colorful paint on self-
-lit a match-
-sets self on fire-
-prances around the flower field-
-sniffs flowers-
-flower burns-
-rides on a unicorn shaped rocket-
-lit fuse-
-rides unicorn rocket cackling-
-explodes into fire flowers-
-rickicker's skeleton dunks into a tub of jet fuel-
-lits a cigar-
-explodes into giggling unicorns, flowers and rainbows-
-giggling unicorns stick horns into Bono's ass-
-Bono explodes into giggling rainbow puppies-
-flowers landed on Julie Taymor's head-
-Julie Taymor's head explodes into giggling Swiss Miss-
-rainbows landed on Uwe Boll-
-Uwe Boll exploded into giggling rainbow penis-
-rainbow puppies bites SyFy executives' crotches-
-SyFy executives explodes into rainbows-
-giggling Swiss Miss fucks Turn Off The Dark crew-
-Turn Off The Dark crew explodes into rainbows-
-giggling rainbow penis rapes Dolph Lundgren-
-Dolph Lundgren explodes into rainbow-
-rainbows carpet bombs everything-
-everything explodes into fire flowers and killer rainbows-
-fire flowers and killer rainbows rains the earth-
-explosion in the shape of rainbow-colored ass-
-rickicker's skull floats in space-
Psychedelic, maan
-transforms into yellow submarine and flies into the rainbow ass' hole-
-galactic rainbow flower explosion-
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/12/fan_fiction_friday_the_care_bears_in_slave_bear_of.php#more
Wasn't that uplifting? I hope I got everything, rick--if I missed anything, my bad!
And finally, We dedicate this to rickicker's memory:
Die well!
Scooter's Last Words
